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Support » I officially filed for a divorce today. So many mixed emotions! » March 1, 2024 8:58 pm

Abby
Replies: 9

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With your positive attitude your future should be great! 

General Discussion » First post. First time reaching out » February 14, 2024 3:03 pm

Abby
Replies: 4

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Today's Valentine's Day and that's a rough day for most of us here because it brings back memories we'd rather not revisit. When your partner exits the relationship the urge is to try to get them to come back, trying to come up with an offer that they might accept. Those offers are one-sided: you are offering to give up things that are important to you to get them back.

The healthier thing for you is to realize that she's gone, she's not coming back, and maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Start preparing for a divorce by consulting an attorney and learning what your legal rights are  where you live. While you may have your son most of the time. if there is no custody order in place she could take him to her girlfriend's country if you don't get his physical custody legally established with you.. There is also child support to ask about.

In my marriage to a closeted gay man I thought about cheating to try to get the affection I was missing. What put a halt to that idea was this thought: "What kind of man would be open to that type of relationship? One cheating on his wife?" What I really wanted was to be someone's one and only, not side action in stolen moments. I think in "ethical non-monogamy" someone is usually going along to please/keep a partner but depriving themselves of an all-in, full-time relationship. Respect your heart.

Support » How long for the hurt and pain to go away? » February 4, 2024 6:16 pm

Abby
Replies: 10

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Maybe not only rearrange the rooms but also change the colors to ones that make you feel good? Give the granddaughter a room of her own and personalize it to give her a "center" in case she feels tossed about by the changes?

General Discussion » Feeling trapped in couples therapy » January 22, 2024 3:43 pm

Abby
Replies: 8

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If you are not comfortable with this therapist and what she is telling you, this is not the therapist for you.  Try to find a therapist for yourself who will listen to what you are saying and does not have the goal of keeping you together but, instead, of helping you decide what you want to do. 

Listen to what your body is telling you. Touch should be consensual and no one should be pressured into touching against their will.

General Discussion » Can it work? » January 19, 2024 10:01 am

Abby
Replies: 4

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Welcome to this board and the club that none of us wanted to join. I cannot tell you if this will work. My situation is that as we were approaching retirement my husband decided to come out of the closet, told me that he was gay, and wanted a divorce. Our children were adults. I concluded I did not want to bargain to try to change his mind and we divorced.

There are women here who are, or have been, in your situation and they likely will respond later. The one piece of advice I can offer is to know what your rights will be if you decide that this is not for you and you want a divorce. You are married and he has obligations to you and his child, Knowing the law and how it works is empowering.

Think about your personal resources too. Do you have friends or family who will be supportive if you decide to leave? Do you have the ability to get a therapist for yourself if you think that would help you work your way through what this change means for you and what your needs are?.
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Breathe. You are at the beginning of a journey..

Is He/She Gay » Non Sexual Red Flags Question » January 13, 2024 1:45 pm

Abby
Replies: 15

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my recommendation is to skip the couples therapy and get a therapist for yourself to help you address what you are feeling. Obviously he is getting something from time spent in these friendships but where are you getting positive feedback?

Wine, chocolate and Hallmark movies are not good answers.
 
 

General Discussion » My Story with questions » January 11, 2024 9:15 pm

Abby
Replies: 5

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Like you, I lived in a celibate marriage for many years and shut down the sexual part of my life. When my husband got involved with a man and announced he wanted a divorce it took me a bit to get past the idea of bargaining to stay married before deciding that it you don't want me, I don't want you.

Yes, I was angry but also I came to see it as a way to re-frame and rebuild my life .I was not going to live in his closet. I was approaching retirement age and I was going to make sure I received a fair property settlement so I could own my own place. I was not relying upon what he thought was fair but got an attorney to represent me.

I reclaimed my sexuality by going to see the Magic Mike movie then playing in theaters and by improving my appearance. I smiled more and people were more friendly in return. As I loved myself I also felt a need for a deeper spiritual connection and I am active in my new faith community. ..

I am sharing this to encourage you not to diminish your self to protect him.. .  

General Discussion » Just need to vent » January 6, 2024 8:35 pm

Abby
Replies: 8

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Just my opinion, but if you haven't sent the letter, don't. Why show him your feelings? 

Don't set yourself up to be hurt again.You are going to need to be strong to get through this so focus of the road ahead and not what's behind you. This chapter of your life is ending but there are more chapters to write.

Support » thong underware? » January 4, 2024 1:14 pm

Abby
Replies: 3

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Where is your husband wearing this new underwear before coming to bed?  To a gym or other place where he wants to be noticed by other men? 

Not sure what "gay porn stars" wear but my "bi" who went "bye" husband went that route.


 

Support » I still can't believe it! » December 18, 2023 4:55 pm

Abby
Replies: 14

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It gets better when you accept that if he does not want to be married to you, neither do you want to be married to him. When you set boundaries that make work for you. You do not discuss your days or other things with him and you make clear to him that you do not want to hear about his dates or other aspects of his life.  You are living together for now with the a goal of leaving this marriage in the best financial position you can. It's a business deal. Share your thoughts with your therapist and your friends, not him..

It take time to put yourself first and to stand up and set boundaries because, living for years with a spouse who withholds affection, you've suppressed so much of yourself to just get by. Take cure of your health and appearance. It can make you almost giddy when you accept that the reason you got no affection was NOT because you are (whatever excuse he used) but because you don't have the parts he wants.

Wishing you a happier 2024. .. 

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