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1 of 1- OhOhNo
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Feeling trapped in couples therapy
I'll try to spare you all the context. My husband is openly queer and has been open about it since the beginning. We've been together seven years, but he has showed no interest in sex with me for about three years (he says it's from stress and trauma and life changes). At the same time, he started expressing his queerness more loudly, acting like everyone's gay best friend. After trying to work on our sex life with him for a couple years, at my urging, we started talking about opening our relationship (not the right solution for us, in hindsight) and I jumped the gun and slept with someone else. He was extremely shocked and hurt by this; I was surprised he even cared.
Now we have started couples therapy. We've had six or so sessions, but the last two sessions the therapist has focused only on me. She gave us an assignment to have 30 minutes of physical touch (doesn't have to be sexual) every day, and I have had a huge block up about even trying to do it. He keeps saying he IS attracted to me and does desire me and wants to work on our intimacy, but I just don't believe him. I keep trying to tell the couples therapist that our intimacy just feels off because I don't feel like he is attracted to me that much as a woman. (And weirdly enough, sleeping with a straight man, the person I cheated with, has shown me the difference in how it feels.)
She keeps encouraging me to be open and to try, to really decide if I even want to work on it. And I am starting to feel backed into a corner for something that is not fully my responsibility. Every time I try to bring up his sexuality and the fact that I may have lost attraction to him, that my gut is telling me its not right, she seems to pivot to something else. I am feeling forced into trying to have intimacy with someone when it doesn't feel right to me anymore.
Just curious if anyone has had a similar experience with couples therapy.
Last edited by OhOhNo (January 22, 2024 3:10 pm)
- Abby
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
If you are not comfortable with this therapist and what she is telling you, this is not the therapist for you. Try to find a therapist for yourself who will listen to what you are saying and does not have the goal of keeping you together but, instead, of helping you decide what you want to do.
Listen to what your body is telling you. Touch should be consensual and no one should be pressured into touching against their will.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
Believe in what your intuition is telling you, not what the therapist is suggesting you do.
Who found the therapist?
Do a Google search on the therapist just to check her/his stance on LGBTQ issues
Elle
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- OhOhNo
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
Our couples therapist is very pro-LGBTQ which was important to us in choosing a therapist. My husband's personal therapist recommended her.
I think there is an issue there, tho, in that she has shared with us she is experiencing some transference. Apparently she was raised by an openly gay man and straight woman who adopted her. They were married and then later divorced. She brought up something in our last session that made me feel like she was comparing me to her mother.
There is a third wrinkle in that my husband is currently in school to be a therapist and we live in a small enough community that this person could be considered his future colleauge.
Last edited by OhOhNo (January 23, 2024 12:09 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
Ohohno
Sounds like two or more against you in this therapy. If your body is telling you your husband is not all into you. Your body is literally trying to protect you telling you something is off..and now you know what.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
OhOhNo wrote:
Our couples therapist is very pro-LGBTQ which was important to us in choosing a therapist. My husband's personal therapist recommended her. ......
One of the first therapists I saw was lgbtq but I engaged because I was still trying to save the r'ship/understand it.
"how can I help, what can I say/do?"
Almost immediately I could feel the therapists air of superiority towards me and the up-shot of the appointment was the therapist telling me I should let A. be his authentic self (blah). I didn't go back but after that I researched every therapist before even considering contacting them.
Elle
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- MJM017
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
Every time I try to bring up his sexuality and the fact that I may have lost attraction to him, that my gut is telling me its not right, she seems to pivot to something else. I am feeling forced into trying to have intimacy with someone when it doesn't feel right to me anymore.
Just curious if anyone has had a similar experience with couples therapy.
I had something similar that I wanted to end my marriage and told my therapist at the time -- I was 35 -- due to a lot of reasons including no sex. She basically told me divorce is difficult and it's difficult to start over at my age.
I was really overweight then so I assumed, rightly or wrongly, she meant starting over was difficult due to that. I wished I had listened to my gut feeling then and left. I stayed and couldn't stand touching my GIDH and was repulsed by his body scent.
It's human to look at the labels we have for ourselves and loved ones -- gay, straight, married, single, young, old -- and make life altering decisions based on what cultural script you follow. I do that more than I like to admit.
With marriage, you have to look at how your spouse is consistently treating you. Is he fair, is he honest, is he respectful? If you follow a cultural script which overrides the answers being important to you, you'll feel more and more numb and confused.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- hoppyfrog
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
"OhOhNo"
I just saw the line "repulsed by his body scent"
I was too, he always smelt bad!
Hoping the next man smells better!
- MJM017
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Re: Feeling trapped in couples therapy
"OhOhNo"
I just saw the line "repulsed by his body scent"
I was too, he always smelt bad!
Hoping the next man smells better!
I don't mean to offend anyone, but that's funny. He smelled ok, but I couldn't stand being near him. His behavior stank! 😷
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa