OurPath Open Forum
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1 - M-Kate
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I still can't believe it!
I have to admit that I've had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. My husband revealed his bisexuality about 7 months ago. I still can't believe that he told me that about 9 years ago he sought out a guy on Craigs list and hooked up with him for sex. WTF! He said that I should empathize and understand how this could happen. He said that he wanted to keep this part of his life "separate from me" since he didn't want to hurt me. LOL These thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I can't empathize because I would never do something like that. I think that he never should have gotten married, but here we are together for 29 years. Our lives are so intertwined, I can't imagine living without him. He says that he wants to focus on our marriage. I don't know whether I'll be able to accept that he would like to have sex with men on the side and that he may do so (he assures me that he won't). I'm living one day at a time.
- Salgal1960
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Re: I still can't believe it!
I suppose everyone is different about what they can accept in their marriage. I had a twenty yr marriage and no matter what I can not live with a lie. We had a business and child together but I left him, the house, and business, and took the child and started over again in middle age. To say it wasn't extremely hard would be putting it mildly, but the only thing I had left was a tiny little shred of respect for myself and I used the rage inside me to pick myself up. I had no emotional support, as I was too ashamed to tell anyone in 1996 in the Southern bible belt. Churches teach women that WE are the ones responsible for making our husbands happy and if he's seeking sex somewhere else then it's our fault. NO, IT IS NOT! The straight spouse left behind was the one betrayed, AFTER they betray themselves! My ex is STILL in the closet, 40 years after our marriage, still in complete denial! It has taken ME, over twenty years to even utter a word about it. My hope for you is that you will be inspired here and know that you have others who have walked in your shoes! It's hard to disengage, and maybe you can't for financial reasons, but if you can't then try your best to find some outside interests and live your own life on your side of the house! If he all of a sudden decides to dump YOU, then take him for everything he's worth, do NOT hold back. He should literally PAY for his lie and making you suffer. Your well being depends on financial security in your elderly years! I know for a fact that my personal peace of mind that I now have from standing up for myself did not have a price tag. If I had it to do over again, I would have left a lot sooner and not wasted time trying to convince myself that he was not gay and hanging around because of our child. Hang in there and I am praying for your answers to come sooner than later!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I still can't believe it!
M-Kate wrote:
.... Our lives are so intertwined, I can't imagine living without him. He says that he wants to focus on our marriage. I don't know whether I'll be able to accept that he would like to have sex with men on the side and that he may do so (he assures me that he won't). I'm living one day at a time.
You're almost there M-Kate 
Closer to the end of the Mindfuck than the beginning. Believe in yourself and what you see, but remember to sit it all beside what you now know about your husband. Assurances and promises mean nothing without the security in your r'ship you originally must have once had.
One day at a time....is okay! Methodical is good. Time isn't your enemy, not using it well...is.
I thought I'd never leave A. Our legal separation should be finalised early next year and I won't dress it up for you...
it's bloody hard some days. But I tell myself "you can't go back and undo what he did. You can't go back at all"
You're stronger than you think M-Kate
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I still can't believe it!
.... Churches teach women that WE are the ones responsible for making our husbands happy and if he's seeking sex somewhere else then it's our fault. NO, IT IS NOT! ...
You sound like a strong woman Salgal. ( stronger than the church ) And I mean no offense but how can you use prayer when the very house that taught you how to pray....is the one who told you it was your fault if your husband had sex with others?
I'm not a believer in religion. The harm done to women and children by men tells me god is a figment
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: I still can't believe it!
M-kate,
Therin lies the horribleness of TGT..there are no take backs. The anxiety was too much for once I knew.. is she shopping with her female friend or having sex? Why should I have to wonder? At least when they are straight it eliminates 50% of the anxiety..
It all comes down their morality really.. but if they can keep a secret for so long. It's a scary thing ..if we were to get sick or injured..would they take care of us as they promised and vowed or take to grindr and blame us?
Wishing you strength and peace.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Rob
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Re: I still can't believe it!
Elle,
Yeah a lot of religions by men don't advise well. But I will say even my catholic priest said I could not remain married to a lying cheating spouse.
TGT reminds of those Damien Rice lyrics.."why did you sing Alleluia, if meant nothing to ya?, why did you sing with me at all?"
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Supriseimgay
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Re: I still can't believe it!
Well, I’m new here after 22 years of marriage my husband said one night and I quote you know I’m gay, right?
I want to say I had no clue, but there was a couple of things during our marriage that made me question, but I never sincerely thought that he was. Now that he’s in middle age he’s decided that he wants to finish his life living the life that he missed out on and asked for a divorce.
To say I’m broken is putting it mildly. This only happened a couple months ago and we are in the middle of a divorce now but I’m stuck in the same house with him until the finances can be worked out and it’s really odd because it feels normal. He comes home we talk about our day, he goes golfing talks about his score etc. But he’s lied about it but tried to hook up with two different people and hasn’t worked out yet but it will. I don’t understand why he has to tell me these things but it’s like he’s so giddy. He can’t help sharing his happiness and it’s like so in your face to me. He says things to me like I wanna hold somebody’s hand just not yours! That was something that was really important in my life that he would never do. He could not or would not show affection or simply hold my hand.
I don’t sleep I don’t eat I take medication for depression and hes trying to start dating! Meanwhile, I cried and have cried every day for 76 days. Does this ever stop? Do you ever get over it?
Last edited by Supriseimgay (December 18, 2023 3:54 pm)
- Abby
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Re: I still can't believe it!
It gets better when you accept that if he does not want to be married to you, neither do you want to be married to him. When you set boundaries that make work for you. You do not discuss your days or other things with him and you make clear to him that you do not want to hear about his dates or other aspects of his life. You are living together for now with the a goal of leaving this marriage in the best financial position you can. It's a business deal. Share your thoughts with your therapist and your friends, not him..
It take time to put yourself first and to stand up and set boundaries because, living for years with a spouse who withholds affection, you've suppressed so much of yourself to just get by. Take cure of your health and appearance. It can make you almost giddy when you accept that the reason you got no affection was NOT because you are (whatever excuse he used) but because you don't have the parts he wants.
Wishing you a happier 2024. ..
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- lily
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Re: I still can't believe it!
The way I see it the 'normal' where he tells you his golf score is the surface reality and now the subterranean reality has surfaced it is bringing divorce. None of this is news to him but it is a massive shock for you. And your world is spinning.
Accepting the reality is steadying. Talking to you about his dating is truly unkind - it doesn't sound like he is putting a single thought into caring for you. Personally I wouldn't want to hear his golf score, why should you listen to his stories?
You are in the critical stage of divorce - working out the finances - how it goes will affect your future. You are in the same house and you are under a lot of pressure - do you have a room you can claim as your own? hope you have family to talk to - this is like being on a rollercoaster it takes a while to feel normal again but it does happen you will feel fine again..
Last edited by lily (December 18, 2023 5:13 pm)
- Daryl
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Re: I still can't believe it!
Surprise, remember that this is not your fault. "Are you gay?" isn't a question anyone should have to clarify after, or during, 22 years of marriage. Now he's going through 'gay adolescence'. Find ways to detach your daily life from his, especially things like cooking and laundry. He's a big-boy, let him figure it out. Find someone you can talk to, even if it's just to unload. Look into things you can do for you, hobbies are great at putting your mind on something else for a while. Good luck, the next few weeks may be difficult but there is a path. One step per day.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer