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February 12, 2024 12:40 pm  #1

First post. First time reaching out

I was married for 9 years and we have a 4 year old boy. My ex wife and I come from similar religious backgrounds. She came out two years ago as bi and we tried to have an open marriage for her at the time. Eventually she admitted she was gay, not bi.

During this time I was dealing with burnout and PTSD from being in healthcare during the pandemic. She asked for a divorce last summer. The months prevous to that were rough and I kept asking what she wanted and she always said she loved me and wanted to stay married.  It felt though like she was trying to make me angry enough to ask for a divorce myself.

She's since moved out and has a GF. I'm trying to be supportive and there for her, taking our boy the majority of the time, especially when she flies off to she her Gf who lives in another country.

I'd like to explore Ethical Non-monogamy and keep our marriage together, but she doesn't seem to want to discuss it. It's always been a hard part of our marriage, she had a hard time being honest with me about her emotions and thoughts.

I just feel lied to and tricked about the last 10 years of my life.  On top of my own mental health issues I'm burdened with this and it's hard to not be angry all the time.


February 12, 2024 6:31 pm  #2

Re: First post. First time reaching out

Welcome to our Forum Daveg..
In my opinion there's nothing ethical about non-monogamy. It's simply another term for open r'ship. There is always one person who gives up a piece of themselves to accommodate the needs of the other who wants to share that piece with somebody else.
Why are you so supportive of her?


KIA KAHA                       

February 12, 2024 10:58 pm  #3

Re: First post. First time reaching out

Daveg,  I understand the anger at being lied to and being tricked by your ex wife.  I was lucky we did not have children.  She has moved on.  I don’t  understand you wanting to being supportive and there for her.  How supportive was she there for you when you were going through this trauma.  Don’t look in the rear view mirror, look forward.  It takes time for the anger to subside.  Sending you a hug, as well as all  of us here need hugs from someone who has walked in our shoes.
Amazing how my ex used to claim a strong belief  in monogamy for 17 years of our 20 year relationship, until he had a sudden switch of claiming a different gender, and multiple labels of sexuality.   About a year into his transition, he was reading a book called The Ethical Slut, recommended by a trans friend.  His belief about monogamy changed.  I was just “too vanilla”, and made it sound like I was too weird to believe in monogamy.  He also was intrigued with BDSM with his new friends.  Crazy!  

Last edited by Norah (February 12, 2024 11:01 pm)


February 14, 2024 3:03 pm  #4

Re: First post. First time reaching out

Today's Valentine's Day and that's a rough day for most of us here because it brings back memories we'd rather not revisit. When your partner exits the relationship the urge is to try to get them to come back, trying to come up with an offer that they might accept. Those offers are one-sided: you are offering to give up things that are important to you to get them back.

The healthier thing for you is to realize that she's gone, she's not coming back, and maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Start preparing for a divorce by consulting an attorney and learning what your legal rights are  where you live. While you may have your son most of the time. if there is no custody order in place she could take him to her girlfriend's country if you don't get his physical custody legally established with you.. There is also child support to ask about.

In my marriage to a closeted gay man I thought about cheating to try to get the affection I was missing. What put a halt to that idea was this thought: "What kind of man would be open to that type of relationship? One cheating on his wife?" What I really wanted was to be someone's one and only, not side action in stolen moments. I think in "ethical non-monogamy" someone is usually going along to please/keep a partner but depriving themselves of an all-in, full-time relationship. Respect your heart.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

February 14, 2024 3:16 pm  #5

Re: First post. First time reaching out

My gay first ex-wife moved out also. I wanted her back desperately. It took months to come to the realization that, if I got her back, I would be looking over my shoulder, wondering when she was going to leave again, for the rest of that time. I decided that I did not want to live like that. I then closed my mind to any thought of reunion.


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