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February 13, 2023 5:30 pm  #1

Non Sexual Red Flags Question

First time posting but have been reading. I appreciate the stories shared here it has helped significantly. Wife wondering if husband is bisexual or gay in denial. 

My question is around non-sexual red flags and to see if anyone has relatable experiences (with sexual ones listed below):
- relationship issues began around a complete lack of emotional support. There seems to be a genuine disinterest in me on a personal level. Seemed narcissistic and we are seeking therapy around this. but i find it completely odd someone would have to learn how to seem genuinely engaged. 
- Ignores a lot of texts / calls when at work.  Even when there is an emergency. 
- Lies a LOT for no understandable reason. So much of my life the last few years has been a lie. 
- spends a lot of time away from home to work even when i ask for help. Was not coming home essentially 7 days a week until bed time etc.. until i threatened to have us separate. 
- definitely have had issues where he's supposed to be home and not sure where he is. they are not usually long amounts of time (maybe 30-40 minutes) but no explanation thats rationally explains his disappearance. 

Sexual issues
- Never had a lot of issues around him wanting sex with me but over the last year I have been more distant, just feeling something is off. 

- I have recently discovered text messages from several male friends (Whom i know) that contain very explicit sexual banter. He is brushing it off as male jokes. Has anyone had experience with this?

- When I attempted to have a conversation about boundaries (looking to insert some LOL) he has hinted things over the years that he would be ok with me 'exploring' and mentioned me having a sexual encounter with another man that he could watch. I was in no way proposing this but instead saying i wanted more boundaries and this has come up a few times. 

- During the same boundaries talks, says he doesn't feel jealousy towards me and other people and therefore doesn't feel there need to be boundaries. 

While definitely interested in input on the sexual stuff curious about hearing more of the signs that were maybe not only sex related? My first concerns were around a complete emotional disconnect that seems abnormal for a relationship... then i found the texts ....



February 14, 2023 11:24 am  #2

Re: Non Sexual Red Flags Question

Hello roxie,

Sorry this is happening to you.

IMO, your h doesn't sound straight. I'm a woman and don't have sexual banter with female friends.  I'd assume your h has a sexual interest in these men since he's flirting.

My late GIDXH started out kind and caring during our courtship. He did a 180 by acting like your h, uncaring and extremely self-centered.  I felt like a mom or caregiver to a rebellious teen.  There to give support, money and housekeeping. Lied to and ridiculed when I challenged him. Am sympathetic about being in the closet. He knew I would support a coming out and end of our marriage. He didn't want it. Some people love getting goodies for little effort. This character defect has nothing to do with sexual preference.

You were able to set boundaries with his not coming home at night.  I'd suggest setting boundaries with your actions. No need for permission. This is your right as a human being. Don't tell him. Actions speak louder than words. He'll manipulate you into not standing up for yourself if you tell him. He knows he can. He enjoys his freewheeling ways.

I'd suggest changing the focus of therapy onto only you. You can't control or change him.

Hoping things get better for you.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 15, 2023 4:41 pm  #3

Re: Non Sexual Red Flags Question

I’m a straight man, currently legally married to my lesbian wife. These are my opinions:

The non-sexual things you ask about (work, general disinterest, etc) could be for any reason. Lack of emotional depth or connection within himself, personality disorder, response to childhood trauma, etc. None of those say anything to me about his sexuality on their own.

Not being jealous means he’s not bonded to you. There isn’t much connection to speak of, you’re his wife but it’s more like a job, a role you’re filing. The normal, even minimally emotionally available man is naturally protective and defensive over his wife. Nothing crazy but being okay with you sleeping with another man? Clearly lack of connection to you.

Straight men generally do not engage in sexually explicit banter directed toward each other. Being critical or insulting of each other? Yes. Hyping each other up some? Sure. If his “friends” and him are talking about doing sexual things to each other or sexualizing eachother, they aren’t straight. Period.

If a woman is even minimally attractive and good to him (especially if he also loves her), he’s going to want to have sex with her. Barring some physical abnormality, hormonal issue, mental illness or its medication, or indoctrination or beliefs from childhood that have shut him down. It can be complicated but it really sounds like he’s not straight and is focused on his desire for men.

For examples of some of those caveats, read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.


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