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General Discussion » Has anyone read "The Body Keeps the Score"? Addressing trauma » Yesterday 8:24 pm

lily
Replies: 1

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Hi, sorry I'm not much of a reader these days either but I went through the same experience of not recognising I was being emotionally abused, thinking the pain I was experiencing was my fault somehow and ending up scared - it was my lawyer who said to me do you realise you are being emotionally abused.  omg, immediately I realised she was right.

It is so hard to understand it is intentional.  I ended up recognising he was intentionally trying to scare me - all about using my emotions to assert control over my actions - it didn't work, he dropped it.

So there was one thing that jumped out at me from your post - "...get ready to discuss with him what I had discovered.  I knew I needed to--how could I have any self respect if I did not?"  

immediately I am scratching my head thinking what makes you believe that?  Isn't your self respect enhanced by just believing in yourself and not discussing it with him?  so I read on and you say how the next ten months has been like being beaten up all over again.

I cannot stress enough how hard it was to divorce my reluctant ex.  It just about did for me and I had strength and a few things going my way to help.  As I have read the stories here I have learnt there are gay spouses who make it even harder than mine did and I just don't have any advice and wish I did.

so wishing you all the best, I hope you find a way to get away from him.  It is 6 years for me now and I am able to see how my bruises have healed an awful lot simply from not being with him.

Lily

General Discussion » Has anyone read "The Body Keeps the Score"? Addressing trauma » Yesterday 5:10 pm

I was reminded of this book today.  Has anybody read it?  I would love to hear people's takeaways.  Whether you have read it or not, I would love hearing thoughts on trauma, dealing with trauma, the straight spouse experience as trauma, etc. I am working with this intelletually now, and I know that when my mind starts spinning around an idea, it usually means I'm working toward some personal breakthrough in my healing process.

I had seen a reference to the book at some point online.  My JeffBezosWallet order history shows me I ordered it just a week or so after telling my husband my discoveries about his sexuality--so this would be about 10 weeks or so after I discovered TGT. 

It was also about 4.5 years after a particularly traumatic experience with my husband, that marked the beginning of what I would now say is 5.5 years of really heightened emotional hostility from him.  The hostility had been there before, but this was at a whole different level.  During this particular event 5 years ago, his emotional and verbal attacks toward me were so hurtful, and so obvious (I think I've used the word "brazen" before on SSN) that I could finally see how really impossible and contradictory they were.  I mean that my brain finally registered it because it was all at once.  I had known it before, but this event was pivotal.  However, I was truly frightened, and it was still all that psychological stuff that makes a person scared and believing it is their fault at some level. It was also by then after almost 25 years of what I now would call "grooming" me, and a pattern of increasing control and criticism over time.  I still felt I had to work on things, and I did--but I realized it was survival stuff, and I also still being the "I can solve problems" person--I did not understand it as abuse. 

As an aside, I would recommend the work of Susan Weitzman on this, "Not to People Like Us," where she researches upscale and middle class abuse and why people (especially

General Discussion » My anger » Yesterday 4:45 pm

WalkBM: I sent you a PM

General Discussion » Crowdsourcing content for a new SSN article » Yesterday 2:28 pm

Paraphrasing others in concise terms that they use on us about acceptance.

“You just voided the fundamental terms of the marriage that I signed on for. There’s no logic to expecting acceptance if I don’t want those terms. I don’t want those terms. “

“Isn’t every death grieved? You just killed the marriage, so why are you surprised at my grief?”

General Discussion » Crowdsourcing content for a new SSN article » Yesterday 11:22 am

lily
Replies: 11

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Yes, practically speaking they aren't listening to what the straights say other than how can I spin this to my advantage.

But - the times they.are a'changing - and I predict the time is coming when the straight is an endangered species and highly prized. 

General Discussion » Crowdsourcing content for a new SSN article » Yesterday 9:17 am

itsabouther
Replies: 11

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Phoenix,  

Theoretically I think the SSN article you mention would be a great idea.  Practically speaking I think the article will go unread.   The non-strait spouse (and his/her counselor)  doesn't care about the straight spouse,  hell you can barely get them to care about their children.  The  gay spouse is on to his/her new life only touching base with  straight spouse when they want something.   My STBX wife says she knows that I'm hurt and that our son is struggling.   When I tell her it is a result of her actions she looks at me with a blank expression like that can't be everybody is happy for me.    She doesn't care and would not read an article about the difficulties the straight spouse has.

General Discussion » Crowdsourcing content for a new SSN article » Yesterday 7:31 am

     Personally I believe that the trans experience is different enough from the gay/straight one that you should deal with it separately.  
   
      When a spouse is gay or lesbian, it is sexual orientation that is at issue.  When a spouse declares themselves transgendered, it is sexual orientation AND gender identity. 

     The gay/lesbian spouse does not seek to alter the body with hormones and surgery or believe they need to--and can--change their sex (which in any case is an impossibility, as the basic chromosomal building blocks of female (XX) and male (XY) are not alterable).  Nor does the gay/lesbian spouse suddenly and drastically alter their behavior and appearance and begin performing an exaggerated version of femininity.  Nor does the gay/lesbian spouse seek to redefine the sexuality of the straight spouse; but a transgender spouse, having declared themselves lesbian, now declare themselves to be in a lesbian relationship with us.  Last, straight spouses of gays/lesbians are not told they should be willing to remain in the marriage in order to show their acceptance of their spouse's sexual orientation (and gender identity).

    As for advice? 
      
   Have the courage to accept that in order to become the person you wish to become your have effectively ended the marriage.  Realize and accept as normal and natural that your wife is going to grieve the loss of the person she fell in love with and married.  Every change that is exciting to you is devastating to her.  She fell in love with and married a man; you don't want to be a man.  You want her to love the person you are becoming; she loves the person you were.  Don't lie to yourself; your desire to become a new person means that you are not and will not be--and don't want to be!--"the same person inside."   Don't ask or expect your spouse to "adjust," and don't make her promise to remain in the marriage or ask her to help you, and especially don't suggest that h

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