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Support » I need success stories of marriages that last with transgender spouse » Today 4:08 am

Grace1958
Replies: 4

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I am pretty much where you are. While I've applied for low income senior ADA housing,it will be a min of 18 months now before something is available. Then I  need to decide whether to live alone, poor, disabled the rest of my life, or live in relatve comfort with small luxuries like cable tv and movies and stay with my female-at-home partner.
Part of me wants to run. The sensible part says why should I live in poverty when there's enough space for me to have my own room here? The logistics are the hard part. Am I  talking to him or her? They say both are there and gender shouldn't matter but I am having a very difficult time with that concept.
I can say that allowing myself to mourn the marriage I thought I had helped a bit in accepting what is a new normal.
If you can afford it couples therapy might help.
Honestly though if I was in a better health/financial situation I'd be long gone.
Reality makes for strange bedfellows...

Support » What do I look for in a Therapist?? » Today 3:54 am

Grace1958
Replies: 6

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That's a tough one. You need someone who deals with LGBTQ issues but can see from the straight spouse side. So far I've only found that the 2 I've tried have more compassion for my gender fluid (wishes he could be trans) husband than for me. While that helped me find more compassion for him, now I am looking for someone to help me understand why I attract men who use me. (All 3 long relationships) so I can find my strength.
I think perhaps during this process you need more than 1 therapist.

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 8:42 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 11

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lily wrote:

,..yesterday I discover a whole new secret he was keeping.  We lived together worked together and socialised together - in a small country town, so I didn't really think he had much opportunity but just found out he had a group of cronies he was meeting up with and I had no idea.

 
Damn Lily... That's rubbing a bucketful of salt into an open wound!
You're a strong woman but that's got to suck big time.. Hugs 🤗

Elle

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 7:42 pm

lily
Replies: 11

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Millenial is so right it hurts just as much at any age - and they are so good at deceit it's not funny so it is easy for years to go by while you try and make sense of it.

I was 19 when I met my ex so he stole my 20's, then he stole my 30's then he profoundly trashed me while he stole my 40's and most of my 50's.

so there are aspects that do get worse with time - I do not regret not having children with my ex, I am grateful I didn't but I am sad every day of my life since my last egg dropped in my 40's and still it got worse - hard to explain but the toxicity of his presence increased and increased.  It literally became a situation where I needed to leave.  And you know, when it came down to it, I just didn't want all my life to have been about him so I squared my shoulders to the task of getting away.  I have not regretted it for one nano second.

And just yesterday I discover a whole new secret he was keeping.  We lived together worked together and socialised together - in a small country town, so I didn't really think he had much opportunity but just found out he had a group of cronies he was meeting up with and I had no idea.

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 7:30 pm

Daryl
Replies: 11

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I concur with Rob, answering CL ads is something I would never do and would never get any turn-on from it. I'm sure you remember his first excuse - being hacked. From what I've read here over the years, that one is probably the #1 go-to answer when confronted in this situation. Response #2 is probably "I never actually met anyone". I think #3 is that it was "only sex".

Is guilt-tripping a sign of love and concern? Where's the remorse at hurting you? Instead it seems he goes on the attack. Does he share everything with you such as computer logins, email passwords, phone unlocks, etc.? Does he wander off leaving these types of devices still open and running? Is he only admitting to what you already know? Possibly questioning you to see what else he might have to admit to or find an excuse for?

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 6:19 pm

Rob
Replies: 11

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Meredith,

As a straight male I want to say I would never do anything with CL and gay men. It's not something any normal 100% straight man would do.   Just sayin.

Support » A Rant » Yesterday 3:34 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 4

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Ijaruk....This week there have been 'celebratory and affirming reports about a 17 year old (I think) English sportsman who has come out publicly....after many years of hidden, silent trauma hiding his sexuality.....and it seems every fucking man and his dog is clambering over themselves to be one of the woke people to congratulate his bravery in outing himself and revelling in his authenticity. 
80% of me wants to sneer, rant and rave and scream "what about the people they leave behind!"

The other 20% is saying "thank his self-awareness that he's done it this young and not waited til he's ruined the lives of several loved ones with selfishness and secrecy

After 32 years I've now had 5 years of making choices I never thought I'd have to make but with each choice I make for myself it's one I don't let my partner make. 
About the anger. I was incredibly so at first, because I didn't understand what was happening. Now I have got my head around it all, discovered that yes I will probably stay with him after changing the dynamics of the life we have.....I am no longer angry. And honestly I'm a bit pissed off that I'm not.
I believe if I was still angry I would have left him a couple of years ago. Anger can be a good tool

Elle

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 3:09 pm

LostAtSea
Replies: 11

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Meredith,

This is manipulation and gaslighting at its finest!

This happened to me. Shortly after 8 months of being married, I stumbled upon log in and passwords to a group chat forum. Confronted the ex about it and admitted to it because it got caught. I would try to coax and talk calmly about what the porn sites and forums were, but never got any explanation on what the viewing was about.

Fast forward a few years later, I bring it up again and said are you looking at this stuff again? Now I find out, oh I think I have a porn problem. I drove it to porn addiction therapy, but that didn’t last long. Every few months I would bring it up again and the anger I received and “accusing” it about watch porn, but it ultimately was true but still yelling at me like how could I make these accusations. And now oh you don’t trust me crap?

Fast forward 12 years after being married, I get the bomb shell call that blew up my world. I am a secret cross dresser and I think I’m bisexual. This blew my F mind!! Like how are you now bisexual?

It wasn’t until it all came out and I was grasping the news of not only bi-sexual but now transgender! During the divorce talks, I stumbled upon hookup sites, sext messages and nude pics of it dressed in women’s clothes with terrible makeup. It only told me it was done as a fantasy to see “how it would make me feel to be someone else”. And I needed validation to be a women but never any contact. Well those messages told me otherwise. I have no idea how long this has been going on.

It never admitted outright to me about being trans and wanting to be with a man! I pieced it all together bc it was always lying and half truths. Even through tears and confusing and a marriage failing apart, pieces were picked apart. The truth in one answer and lies in another answer. Those sext messages I found, it told me that would have gone with it the grave. I almost believed the fake cries and suicide talks. I believed oh my partner has told

Support » A Rant » Yesterday 3:06 pm

Marianne
Replies: 4

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Ijaruk, you have every right to be angry. You have right to rage, cry, yell, swear and even to hate. 
The feelings are important and they are here for a reason. 
I understand that you don't want to stay in that anger and hatred. I can promise you that they will change over time. (I still wish to punch my husband in the face for everything he's done to me but it's changing... slowly.)
And yes, it's so hard when even well-meaning people don't understand you. It happened to me too. The situation is so hard to understand for anyone who did not experience it. This forum is the place where people can relate.

Support » Crushed and Heartbroken » Yesterday 2:02 pm

Meredith
Replies: 11

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As of this morning, I’ve gotten Jay to communicate with me a bit more.

He had admitted to sending the emails because it “turns him on” but said there was no action taken, just responded to CL ads.

It’s hard for me to believe that he hasn’t done anything… but I explained that this would have still been inappropriate given the messages were sent to women. Trust is still gone.

He is now guilt tripping me into staying with him - saying if I leave after his confession that he’ll take it as a rejection. Has anyone believed their partners when they say it’s just a fantasy? He says he is not gay but those emails read differently to me.

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