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Strategies for MOM's » Cis hetero F with MTF partner... Resources? / Can this work? » Today 1:22 am

roka
Replies: 2

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Dear Rae.123, 
I feel you, I really do!

When the man I fell in love with told me that he has been attracted to men since he was young, but decided to stay alone rather than enter into a relationship, it broke my heart. It has evolved that we have entered into a relationship, it is not always and not everything easy, but it is good for both of us. And also I feel lonely in my position. There is not much acceptance for his decision, and I also cannot cheerfully tell everyone what the reason for our challenges is without exposing him - which I definitely don't want to do. 
In that respect, you really have my fullest sympathy!

You asked for positive stories and that´s the main reason I´m writing
I had a school friend who always had something exalted-feminine. Even back then he was dating a girl, whom he later married as well. They went through the process of his sex change together and are still married today and happy too. 
I understand that in addition to the personal burden that such a process brings, the societal reaction here must really be an enormous challenge. And I cannot imagine mastering such a situation alone. It needs good pastoral / psychological care. 
I wish you only the best for your further path!

Hugs,
Kate

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 9:42 pm

lily
Replies: 16

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he wasn't a lot older than me - 19 to 23.  He was a lot more experienced.  He was on the opposite side of the world, so when I went back to Australia with him I was now on the other side of the world and no family or friends who could maybe have warned me but you know all those people, his friends and family not one of them said to me do you know he's gay?  it's more like they thought oh good she will take care of him.  He'd already had a full blown love affair with a school friend which had ended with a theatrical head in the oven scene.  Why did I only find out about that 40 years later once I worked out all by myself he was gay in denial and got divorced?

Look sorry MOJ but I doubt if closet dwelling women will stop wanting to fool straight men into marriage and having a family any time soon.  The worst of it is it looks more like a competitive urge to me, rather than a simple maternal instinct.  By the time you get to my age the pain in a closet carrying family is making the dogs howl. 

It's a lot to face up to. 

I'm in my 60's, there's been a lot more divorce in our generation than in the previous one - and so many times it is out of the frying pan into the next one.  ie even after the children, a lot of in denial gay people will continue to remarry, going for another straight spouse again.  The closet is a way of life like the hermit crab with it's borrowed shell.

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 5:01 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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MiddleOfJuly wrote:

...Why does my presence here bother you so much? .....
....It's not a topic most gay people are familiar with, whereas the people on this forum obviously are very familiar with it and can give way better advice.

 

I'm simply challenging your reasons for being here instead of confronting the community who perpetuate the behavior and dishonesty towards the people they marry/live with/make promises to.

Elle

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 4:14 pm

MJM017
Replies: 16

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MiddleofJuly,

Glad you'll be warning her! Longwayhome's suggestion is good, but may be for someone with more life experience.

I would suggest short and to the point so she'll remember it.  She may think a detailed letter is a prank, boring & not go past the first sentence.  22 year olds deal better with short texts rather than long emails. 

I met my late GIDXH at work when I was 25. He love bombed me, future faked...the whole narcissist script. A coworker told me he wasn't my type. I didn't know her well so didn't press on. I asked him what she meant. She was jealous. That seemed reasonable since I was younger, he was older and had a good job. She was 40ish. I dropped it.

His mask fell during our marriage. I knew what she meant finally.

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 3:23 pm

MiddleOfJuly
Replies: 16

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

MiddleofJuly....why have you not posted this on an LGBTQ support board? Is it because you know that here, on a website full of straightspouses you'll get kind, helpful, encouraging advice and you won't get that if you ask it in the LGBTQ community? 
Would this question about your concern for a straightspouse be rejected there? 
 

Why does my presence here bother you so much? I'm containing myself to this thread only. Most gay people have probably never been in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex unless they're maybe at least 50. I certainly haven't been - I've never even been in a relationship with a woman or even been physical with a women. It's not a topic most gay people are familiar with, whereas the people on this forum obviously are very familiar with it and can give way better advice.

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 3:18 pm

MiddleOfJuly
Replies: 16

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lily wrote:

Hi, yes I appreciate your input too, thanks.

Your description of your then co worker was chilling for me - a little bit less dweeby and it could have been my ex.  And it is validating - I was 19 when he decided I would make good wallpaper for his closet.  so I have been trying to think back to see what might have helped me at the time.  The thing I come up with is I had no idea he was gay.  None whatsoever, I had not come across the concept of gay in denial.

If I had received a letter at the time I would have been so surprised I don't think I'd know what to make of it, so I reckon it might help to explain it to her - that he is gay and pretending not to be, and a link to here.

Thanks for the encouragement Lily. Oh creepy that your ex is similar to my former coworker - was he a lot older than you and narcissistic too? I wonder if long distance is considered a red flag that might indicate this kind of relationship.

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 3:18 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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MiddleofJuly....why have you not posted this on an LGBTQ support board? Is it because you know that here, on a website full of straightspouses you'll get kind, helpful, encouraging advice and you won't get that if you ask it in the LGBTQ community? 
Would this question about your concern for a straightspouse be rejected there? 
 

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 3:11 pm

MiddleOfJuly
Replies: 16

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Daryl wrote:

Thank you, we need more people in the LGBTQ community to understand the real pain and damage that can occur when someone chooses to disguise their orientation by entering into a hetero-normal relationship. I understand the impulse to celebrate when people come out, but there can be another side to the story that is often overlooked. Moving on can often be easier said than done.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Actually, that was one of the things that helped me to come to terms with my sexuality as a teenager - that I didn't want to hurt someone. I remember asking my best friend when I was about 14 how she'd feel if she had a husband in the future who came out as gay. Obviously the response was a negative one! So, I was considering it from that perspective even at a young age. I feel so lucky that it couldn't happen to me and it saddens me what your community goes through as an indirect result of societal homophobia.
 

Support » What to do if you see it happening to someone else? » Yesterday 3:07 pm

MiddleOfJuly
Replies: 16

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longwayhome wrote:

I think what you are trying to do is commendable, I really mean that. I think it’s so important that each side understands the other.

In your letter, if I may suggest, emphasize future faking, challenge her to put it to a test, by trying to move something promised, move it up, try to get him to deliver on the promise made. Also, if they aren’t religious, ask her to send him a sexual message, see what type of response she gets back.

Good luck and thank you for your effort, it may not help, but at least you are willing to involve yourself to try to make something so wrong, right. For that, I sincerely say thank you.

Edited to clarify: seductive message, not sexual, sorry English is not my first language.

Thanks longwayhome, I really appreciate you encouraging me to do this. I will try to include your suggestions in my message to her.
 

Support » Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer » Yesterday 2:38 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 25

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Iamsoconfused wrote:

.Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit? 

 

Nope, I have a bisexual partner who messed me up so much emotionally that for a while I didn't know which way was up! It always seemed he was trying to pull me back into sexual/open r'ship he was comfortable with. 
Thankfully I pulled myself up out of the hole I was in, the dark, deep hole where I was too afraid to be apart from my partner for any length of time.... and arranged for my own 5 week holiday. My 4 children all live in different parts of the country so I visited them all. 
Once upon a time I would be suspicious (just like you) that my partner had ulterior motives. It's a draining space to be in right?

That guys weekend sounds like a great chance to work on being away from your wife

Elle
 

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