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Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Today 12:25 am

Diff I guess
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I was debating answering this question and I am not sure if I can give you a good answer. I can’t answer Sean, but I can tell you that choosing the Bachelor route isn’t as easy as it looks.  Lucky for me the internet was in its early days, and I could connect with the gay community using and find information using it. HIV was still a major concern, but the first treatments were available as well as knowledge about safe sex. 
I had never considered having a relationship with a guy or being single were options for me. My plan in life was to find a woman and marry.  For me it was just some unwanted and scarry same sex attractions that I hoped to grow out of. For me it was mostly physical (i.e. wanting to do something vaguely sexual or at least some heavy cuddling) and frustrating (something I could never tell the other guy or act on despite my unwanted wishes). 

They were emotions that happened that I didn’t want to happen and lonely (I couldn’t tell anyone about it). 

Sure, I had had some homoerotic dreams and really liked movies with half naked men (or guys my age) and beside my really liking this one scene in a heterosexual porn movie with a guy was just about nakedness. Who cares if the lesbian scene bored me, or all the women did nothing for me.  Not to mention the men’s underwear pics in the catalogues and sales papers….

To give you how out of touch my logical side was with the more emotional sides\, I can remember starting High School climbing the stairs think about all the girls I would date turning a conner when I first saw the class stud…… Ugh!

Anyway, later in college still attracted almost exclusively to men came the events that forced me to deal with the fact that those same sex attractions didn’t go away, and they were more than just some very strong unwanted thoughts. I had recently ended a relationship with a wonderful girl as she went away to college. I hoped we might get together later but I also figured that it was not

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Yesterday 11:59 pm

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Thank you for replying friends. No excuses. I apologize for triggering and/or offending you. I'll try to do better in the future. If there are any straight spouses with questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them below. Be well! 

Support » I missed my husband today. » Yesterday 10:05 pm

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I'm so sorry for the loss you're experiencing. I'm still living with my wife but I feel the same rejection.  I told her tonight that I'm working to not care about her but this marriage was supposed to last our whole life and I was not prepared for this. Sometimes I walk in the room and I feel like less than nothing to her, like a void. I don't know why she still matters to me or why I can't forget about her and move on.  It hurts and it's damn lonely at times.   Other times I think I can do so much better and I'm able to imagine a time when I'll be happy again.

Support » I missed my husband today. » Yesterday 7:42 pm

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We've started reaching milestone events that he isn't present for. 

He has been in my life, in my family's life, for 17 years. He's been at baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  
Today was my sister's convocation and he wasn't invited. It was never a question or a discussion, he just wasn't.
So I went alone. And I watched my sisters and their partners holding hands. And I watched couples whispering to each other, laughing together. Sharing in celebration with one another. 

A few months shy of our 10th wedding anniversary, the bomb fell. He didn't so much disclose as I ripped it from him.
And still I love him. I found out about the explicit images that he sent, the affair he had, and still I love him. He moved out with little consideration for how it would affect me and our daughter. And someone, the need to hold him close persists. In the last five years of our marriage, I experienced a lot of withdrawal from him, of rejection and loneliness. And still, the sadness and grief and overwhelming sense of loneliness was almost too much. 

I thought we would grow old together. 

General Discussion » Your Kids » Yesterday 5:34 pm

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Thelight wrote:

So those of you with kids, how did you tell them?.....

My 4 children were all grown and able to process the info and I actually told them way before we separated. Like a few years.

A. would never in a million years have said anything to them. Also it was me who insisted on the separation so it was me who told them about that too.
I'm not sure of your children's ages but the information has to be age-appropriate and, most importantly you have to be ready and willing to answer any questions they may have after letting them know you'll answer any questions they do have


Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Yesterday 12:33 pm

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No choice? What about moving to a large urban area with a cloak of anonymity? Even better, the gay meccas across the US such as New York, LA or San Francisco have had  very large number of  LGBT residents. I'm a long time resident of one of those cities as was my late ex-husband. It was very okay to be out at work (I started working in late 80s and I had many out coworkers then - including two gay supervisors) and out on the streets. My late ex chose to deceive me not due to a conservative family or from fear of being attacked.

Sean, many women are trauma bonded to these GID husbands.  Wrongly saying there was no choice can keep a spouse in a lopsided marriage or cause them to be tricked into giving away assets during a divorce or be the unwitting victim of a smear campaign during a divorce.  Many of these spouses, including my ex husband, believe they have a right to get away with what they can as long as they don't get caught and embarrass themselves out of important social connections.

General Discussion » Your Kids » Yesterday 12:17 pm

Blue Bear
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My personal view is that YOU get to tell the kids why the divorce is happening in an age-appropriate way rather than give your spouse the latitude to inject more lies into your life.  My ex-wife - 4.5 years after the divorce was final and the cat was out of the bag - still tells the kids I was a bad husband even though my only fault was that I wasn’t the wife she lacked the courage to admit she needed.

Remember, they chose this and the consequences that come along with it.  Hiding the truth is normalizing the deception that brought you into this place.

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Yesterday 9:55 am

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Exactly OOHC, it's not like there wasn't a choice involved.  My ex was most definitely not in the closet because he didn't feel he had an option to live as a gay man - he loves his closet, it's in his DNA - it is a way of life for him, it's a cloak of deception behind which he can play all his tricky shitty little games.

I met him in England which is where I come from, I came to Australia with him so our friends came from people he knew - husband in closet, his best friend in closet his best friends wife in closet and on it goes.  Nobody said anything to me until after I was divorced then I got to hear how much sex/romance with men my ex was having at art college before he even met me.

The only thing that's changed with the closet in recent times is that with the popularity of the term bisexual has come the push to have same sex attraction accepted as a match for a straight and I feel sorry for the young straights these days,  The closet has just got bigger.  And the simple understanding - a straight needs a straight is no longer recognised.

Being married to a gay man caused me so much heartache and was so painful.  Being a straight I believed I had to take it and stay, for what? 

Then I find this forum and oh god, straight after straight expressing the same pain.  Not something that should be walked over any more.  IMO a lot of the time gay people struggle to admit to the pain their straight parent was in and I don't blame them for it, it's tough.

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Yesterday 8:43 am

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Twice you say that "there wasn't any other option" than to marry a woman.  But that isn't true.  There was an option.  It was not to marry, and live as a bachelor.  You and others who married women made a choice, and it was one that was made for convenience, not because there was "no other option."  You and others chose  to deceive a woman rather than to live as a bachelor.  

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