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Support » Stuck » Today 5:09 pm

Replies: 1

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When you say "this is not my story to tell" I think you are wrong. It is your story. You're ready to move on, she has come out to select individuals, but doesn't want to do so to the people that matter the most to you. This is controlling behaviour. It also suggests she can't handle the guilt from her multiple affairs.

As for what your family might say to your daughter, I think this is also a crock. It sounds like she is around 5 yrs old. Who in your family would dare broach this topic with her until she's an adult ? I'd also mention that your daughter does need an age appropriate explanation for any changes that are about to happen.

Not sure what you can do. Perhaps keep quite for now, but proceed with moving on. Assuming you mean divorce, get the legalities, custody, visitation and stuff settled. Then you can tell your story to whomever you wish. You want the court order that says you get X amount of custody or visitation time so that she cannot use it as more leverage to control you with.

I hope this is helpful.

Support » Idk what I need... » Today 3:38 pm

Hi Gwen,

I didn't even think of that as something I needed to address. It's a family birthday party- family gets invited. I'm sure they are "her chosen family" so to her it's fine, but of course for the rest of us it was completely inappropriate and rude. It's almost like, why didn't I make sure she was straight before I married her? I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries with her and also imagine what scenarios might happen, and set boundaries there too. It's nearly impossible.

The thing is, people with BPD are HYPER sensitive to criticism and abandonment, whether it's perceived or real. Like off the charts sensitive. So any boundary I set, I have to also expect her to blow right through it because that's historically what happens. If I point out that a boundary has been crossed, or any feedback I give that's less than a glowing endorsement at all, is perceived as criticism and becomes an argument or it gets flipped back on me and I get blamed. So to be honest, it often requires less energy to just deal with things as they come instead of putting up boundaries. I wish I knew a better way- if you have suggestions, I'm open to them. Limiting contact is the only thing that helps so far.

Support » Idk what I need... » Today 2:15 pm

Replies: 10

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HereInMpls2717 -  I'm sorry you had to experience such insensitivity during a joyous occasion. Would it help to verbalize your boundaries to her?   I am attending an event to support my GID husband in a few weeks. I am super thrilled to support him in his career but already asked direct questions. I asked if Bill or his other 'friends' are attending the event.  His response was, "No but why does it matter".  My response was, " I will not be there if you want to invite them. I choose not to place myself in the company of those who helped destroy our marriage."

My therapist was happy that I allowed him to make the choice and also provided my boundary.  I have chosen to accept those things that I can't change and look forward to my future. We have 3 young kids so I KNOW boundaries are needed!  Every day is becoming a little easier. Hang in there. 

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown

Support » Idk what I need... » Today 1:20 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

 I try not to think about it because I don't want to get emotional about something that's gone. Almost 4 decades of my life...that's more time with A. than without!.....were with the man I'm now leaving, and even though there were good times the bad times take precedence. I just feel empty and sad.

I'm so sorry Elle. This is such difficult stuff. 

Support » Idk what I need... » Today 1:09 pm

Replies: 10

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HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I'm finding the ability to separate the GID for 2 decades and the subsequent divorce (in process) from the personality stuff. It's incredibly hard to do that.

 I try not to think about it because I don't want to get emotional about something that's gone. Almost 4 decades of my life...that's more time with A. than without!.....were with the man I'm now leaving, and even though there were good times the bad times take precedence. I just feel empty and sad. 



Support » Stuck » Today 1:05 pm

I am not sure what to do my wife is a lesbian. It’s a long story but I feel it’s a story you all have shared a similar experience and can relate. I did post it under our story if you want to know more. After the multiple affairs, I’m at a place where I am no longer going forward with our marriage. I feel like I haven’t been married for the last two based on behaviors but I was still honoring it. I’m ready to move on but she has still not came out yet to anyone but close friends and these women she was cheating on me with. I really have not shared with anyone and planned to tell my family but she is telling me I do not owe them anything. She does not want me to share the details nor the fact that she’s gay. I do understand that is not my story to tell but I’m still part of the story. She says she’s afraid of what my family might say to our daughter at some point. She is actually how  I ended up here saying I’d I needed to share I should seek something out like this page. How did you all handle this is it wrong for me to share what’s been happening so those closest to me and who support me. How do they understand what’s going on with me or do I have to continue to keep this secret until she’s ready to share with the world? I’m exhausted and I’m tired. She asked me to wait I did but learned what she really wanted was to continue what she was doing but was afraid to lose me. I am done waiting or putting my life on hold and I’m tired of suppressing my feelings of the situation. Would love to hear all of your experiences with similar situations. What did you all find helpful what would you avoid. Thanks in advance to those who reach out.


Support » Idk what I need... » Today 11:10 am

I'm finding the ability to separate the GID for 2 decades and the subsequent divorce (in process) from the personality stuff. It's incredibly hard to do that. I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's a resource for those in relationship with someone with BPD (borderline). I'm not exaggerating here- I read the 5-page introduction and nearly had a panic attack. It took 30 minutes of tears and deep slow breathing to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. That's what I've lived through. And I'm finally able to know that I'm not awful like she said. I'm not crazy and I'm not abusive. 

It could have been so different. We could at least be friends. I'm mourning that. 

On a good note, I got coffee with someone yesterday. I'd messaged with her for a few days and invited her out. We spent 45 minutes talking and I can't believe the difference. That little bit of a connection was more than I'd felt for decades. My ex had flirted with me, sure, but there was always something missing. Something that felt forced. This was like... I don't know. Like it was supposed to be I guess. 

I appreciate you all. 

Our Stories » My Fairytale » Today 8:40 am

I will do my best to keep this short I just need to share my story. I’m at my wife 10+ years ago and instantly we were good friends. Our friendship grew ultimately we started dating which eventually led to our marriage back in 2016.

She was my best friend. Over the course of our first few months she revealed her past in bits. First she told me she had dated women before but as our relationship grew she confided more and ultimately I would learn she had a girlfriend named (out of respect I’ll just say S) and they got engaged. I do not believe her family knew or knows about this. According to my wife this ended due to her partner leaving her for a previous ex. I share this detail because it comes up later. Despite all of these revelations our friendship grew and are feelings grew for each other. Eventually we got engaged. Yes we were intimate and both initiated it it never felt forced and I truly think we were in love at this point of our lives.

Knowing what I knew of her past, prior to getting married I did go to her and ask if this was something she truly wanted. I even asked if she still needed to explore her past feeling for women or seek closure from what happened with S. She assured me these were all non-issues and that this is what she truly wanted. Seven 2016 we got married. In 2017 we moved closer to our family and away from mine. In 2018 we struggled some but all marriages have ups and downs. However, during this time I caught her being way too cozy with an old male friend from her past to the point she was sending inappropriate snaps. Looking back I should’ve realized what this would mean later and ended it all right then. However after his event I really truly thought we were stronger and we seem to be better. A year later we ended up having our first and only child. Life seemed good.

Kids definitely change the marriage anyone who says they don’t is lying a little bit I think if we’re all being honest. I was ready for this. I was not ready fo

Is He/She Gay » Found Gayfriendlydating in cookies on laptop » Today 8:10 am

Replies: 2

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I think that there is a strong possibility that he is gay. I hope that he will be honest with you when you confront him. I wish you the best.

Support » What do you do when you are overwhelmed? » Yesterday 9:27 pm

Replies: 16

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I went on Pinterest (https://www.pinterest.com/)  to create photo boards for hobbies I had or wanted to have. I collected photos for redecorating my living room and photos of pets for choosing a future buddy.

You can follow people's photo selection boards and they follow you.  Facebook has hobby/interest groups. I joined one and interact with fellow posters there only. I don't meet offline or in person.

The above can be a nice bridge while you're getting used to your new area, seeking virtual meetings to make new acquaintances.

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