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Is He/She Gay » Joe Kort on SSN Podcast » Today 5:35 am

lily
Replies: 4

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it is weird isn't it.  Straight people might be ignorant of how different it is for gay people but they don't assume they know better than a gay person what it is like to be gay.  But the bisexuals think they know better than everybody, it's mind boggling.

I had a young bisexual friend tell me in all sincerity that gay men were better at having sex with straight men than women were because they knew how the equipment worked.  It was like we women were poor seconds!  Oh goodness.  They just cannot wrap their heads around the difference of being attracted to the opposite sex.

someone else I know started with I'm straight then she says of course, like all women I get my emotional needs met by other women.  now it's well Ive always been binary gender.  

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Today 12:18 am

lily
Replies: 16

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maybe we want undeniable evidence that they are gay because we just know they will deny it.  If it were a friendly or in good faith relationship then you know it would be different wouldn't it - you'd ask are you gay and he'd say oh funny you should say that I have been wondering the same thing myself.  or he'd say oh right I know why you might think that, I am a bit effeminate but really I fancy the hell out of you.  I just completely adore you and please can we etc etc etc.

Robotic sex and no affection.  sometimes the evidence is in what isn't happening.

self doubt is a good thing but the way I saw it I needed to give myself a break, give myself the luxury, give myself the support of not rolling around in it any more - I had done enough already.

It's not that being ready to doubt your own perceptions isn't a good thing in an honest relationship but when you are faced with gay in denial you need to protect yourself from the act of denial.

I gave myself a break from self doubt and I gave myself a break from trying to get an answer from my ex.  I simply accepted he was gay in denial and moved on to what comes next.  I was fortunate enough to be in a position where divorce was achievable and so for me the next thing was to attempt to talk with him about separation - I learned a whole lot more about him that I didn't know beforehand through that process too.

thank you for your kind remarks,  much appreciated.  

ps I thought my ex hadn't been acting on it either.  But looking back now I can identify times where he very likely was.  I never went looking on his phone or computer but don't think I would have found anything if I had.  Yes the perfect husband but always felt aloof from me.  I didn't notice it at the time but he only ever put his arms round me in front of others.
 

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Yesterday 5:48 pm

Karis
Replies: 16

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I read a few of Kel's posts and also OnMyOwnTwoFeet's posts. I resonate with a lot that they say. I struggle with the fact that so many on here have found such undeniable evidence, which I feel like I don't have. I honestly don't believe he has acted on anything. I think he finds comfort in his gay friendships/relationships but I dont think they have had sex or even talked explicitly to each other but I am naive and easily duped so I don't know. He has always maintained this image of being so perfect in every way, so infallible, that it seems incomprehensible that he would allow himself to appease this gratification.

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Yesterday 5:43 pm

Karis
Replies: 16

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OutofHisCloset,
Thank you for having me and my story on your mind. I am grateful for anything that you would like to share!  I am not surprised to discover that you are a professor of literature. Your posts are very insightful and intellectual. I appreciate the use of plot and story. I was an English major a long time ago. I love the fact that you chose a story to give me a better understanding. It gave me a vivid picture of what you were trying to say.
I read what you wrote this morning and it hit me so hard, and I felt it so deeply that I took a long walk (almost 3 miles) just to think about what you said and to mull it over in my mind. 

My personality is such that I am easily manipulated and I know he has gaslighted me on several occasions. Sometimes if feels like he is rewriting our history, in a way in which he is the hero, and I don't always remember things accurately but I know that I would've noticed his heroic actions (had there been any) and I would have felt guilty (its what I do). 

Sometimes, I want to blame his behavior as just his personality. I don't know if you have heard of or follow the Enneagram but he's a 3w4 and Im a 2. Which basically means that he is concerned with success/status/appearances and that I am eager to please and help and accommodate in any way I can, even at the risk of losing myself or not having my needs met. Which is what I have done for 22 years. Then when this man from work came into my life, I suddenly had all these questions. Its as if everything came a crisis moment-a climax in the story maybe? My daughter was also leaving for college and my son is only 2 years behind her. I pictured what my life would look like without my children being at home and it just being me and my husband. I know what it will look like and I don't want that. It will all be about him and I will be following him, always in his shadow. I wonder if maybe he is just a narcissist because I am confident his Dad is and why I look up NPD traits, he fi

Is He/She Gay » Joe Kort on SSN Podcast » Yesterday 4:40 pm

UserNada
Replies: 4

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A lot of comments about "straight" people seemed to be made by someone who has no idea what it is like to be the sort of 100% straight that I am. Its weirding me out.

Is He/She Gay » When he denies but here are the facts » Yesterday 4:36 pm

UserNada
Replies: 8

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Just reinforcing prior comments. Straight guy here. NOPE to those ideas. Just NOOOOOPE!

Support » SSN Podcast 4/1 » Yesterday 4:28 pm

MJM017
Replies: 2

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I listened to the most recent podcast with guest Claudia Coenen.  Psychotherapy had its limits for me for many reasons for life events, TGT included. I listen to my intuition and read a lot for healing.

I do not agree with her or the host at the 37:00 mark-he didn’t know how to do any better than hide in the closet. Their experience or opinion doesn’t match what happened to me.  My GIDXH made a choice to lie and cheat. He did know better.

My GIDXH chose to suppress his conscience to take advantage of me. Am glad I dumped him. Am glad I cut off communication. I’ll be angry with him forever.

That’s helped me move on. Thinking about his behavior sentimentally has been the worst thing for me, & has prolonged my grief. Again, just my take on this. We’re all different.

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Yesterday 11:16 am

Karis,
    Your story is so much on my mind that I hope you won't mind my writing more, and coming at what you said in your first post from a different perspective other than the judicial metaphor implied by "building a case" and "weighing evidence" and "pronouncing and carrying out a sentence."

   I'm a professor of literature, and when I read your post I thought about what you were relating as "the story of my marriage."  There's a distinction in literary studies between "plot" and "story," with "plot" being the events of what happens in the narrative: the "this happened, then this."  "Story" is what the events add up to or indicate; we often call this the meaning or significance of a story.  We talk, too, about "text" and "subtext," the spoken versus the unspoken (and then there's the silences in a text, or what's not there, as in studiously avoided).  So, for example, in the novel "Towelhead," an older man who is grooming a young teenager for a sexual relationship, and has previously crossed one boundary with her, asks her out to dinner; she agrees, and when he picks her up, he offers her a knife, ostensibly so she can feel safe with him because she can protect herself.  The offer of the knife, and his telling her it's so she can feel safe because she can protect yourself, would be "the text."  The subtext, of course, is that he seems to be equalizing the power dynamic between them, even making himself vulnerable to her, and acknowledging that he earlier crossed a boundary with her--having a knife will keep her "safe."  He means: "I'm safe, and my willingness to give you the knife and make myself vulnerable to you if I cross a line proves it."  When she accepts the offer of the knife, however, she is torn by wanting to believe she really is safe and that he has offered it as a gesture of apology--she perceives, that is, the "subtext" of equalizing the power.  But she also analyzes this gesture, questions this "subtext," thinking to herself that alt

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Yesterday 9:32 am

Dear Karis,
   Wanting "love/concern/empathy/affection" in your marriage is not selfish.  It is the foundation of marriage.  It is necessary for reciprocity.  Our ideas and concern about "the marriage" sometimes overshadow our considering the more basic reality of the love and commitment between the two people in the marriage.. That is, the idea of Marriage predominates over the reality of our marriage. The institution comes to matter more than the two people in it, and we begin to confuse the two.  I think something like this tends to happen when considering "what's best for the children."  We think in terms of "intact" or "broken" homes, rather than in terms of healthy or unhealthy environments.  One of the more eye-opening phrases I heard was "you don't stay for the children, you leave for the children."  You leave so your children don't grow up in a home in which unhealthy patterns become normalized; you leave to model self respect and honesty; you leave to show your children how to go about seeking fulfillment and not "settling" because somehow the semblance of a marriage is better than the real thing.   

 I am currently re-reading Rebecca Solnit's "The Faraway Nearby," which I first read before my now-ex's revelation to me, and just yesterday the following jumped out at me as a perfect description of the evolution of a closeted personality and its effects on others: 

    "Not to know yourself is dangerous, to that self and to others.  Those...who cause great suffering, kill off some portion of themselves first, or hide from the knowledge of their acts and from their own emotion, and their internal landscape fills with partitions, caves, minefields, blank spots, pit traps, and more, a landscape turned against itself, a landscape that does not know itself, a landscape through which they may not travel....
   You see it...in the small acts of everyday life, of the person who feels perfectly justified, of the person who doesn't know he's just c

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