Completely heartbroken, devastated, and feels like my world has been torn apart describes my current state. On Christmas Eve, I discovered that my husband of 32 years, and a minister, has been having an affair with a man. In the short time that they have been together (since early Oct), my husband quickly fell in the love with the other guy. Due to the nature of his job, I have no one to talk to and am patiently (not so patiently) waiting to start with my therapist - which is still 2 weeks away. Which is why I am turning to this community for support. 
Before we met, my husband had one brief gay relationship while he was in seminary. He was bisexual at the time and made the conscious decision to live a heterosexual life. (I just recently found out about the early gay relationship.) He was committed to that until recently. In his job, he helps churches with the disaffiliation process. For the last two years he listened to Christians spew hate towards the LGBTQ+ community and it broke him. He’s a very sensitive person, but did nothing to take care of himself during this time.  
We had what I thought was a solid, happy relationship with constant dreams and talk of the future, retirement, etc. Although I suspected he might be gay after 18 years of no sex (he said it was body image issues being overweight), (I feel robbed of my sexuality - I turned that part of me off - why can’t he do the same?), I am still shocked that he had an affair. He is truly one of the best humans I know - an absolutely incredible person. So because of that I have tried to be sensitive to his journey of deciding what he wants. I cannot imagine a future without him and our family being together. Family is everything to me. We talk openly about everything including this situation. We are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. I have forgiven him, but he needs to forgive himself. I feel empty and the thought of having to navigate the future alone is overwhelming. 
My husband has continued communicating with the other guy because he feels like he needs “a friend” to talk to. They’ve even gone to dinner twice since all of this has happened, but I have since asked him not to see him any more. My husband did set boundaries of them not being alone together, but they still talk on the phone and text daily. My husband is a rescuer, and has also given the guy a lot of money. Thoughts on my husband continuing to have a relationship with this guy?
My husband is seeing a really great therapist twice a week. What is a reasonable amount of time for him to decide what he wants?
This is still all so new to me, that I am still in denial, cry every day, unable to sleep, (work full time) and my heart is constantly racing. I met with a dr yesterday to get some meds to help with the trauma.
tMy husband is a well-respected member of the community and at this point is not ready to come out of the closet.  He is looking for another job and we will have to move to another town - most likely in June. I had planned on retiring next year, but won’t be able to do that now. I’ve proposed a transition scenario of getting a rental house in the new town and continuing to live together. But we would each be free to meet new people. He has been a devoted father and husband and I don’t anticipate that he will leave us untaken care of. 
I am great at taking care of myself: eat healthy, exercise, etc, but I have no idea as to how to move forward and get through this. I’ve already read Rising Strong and Ten Things to do When Your Life Falls Apart - both really great books. And have ordered several more. And have started listening to the Our Voices podcast. When will my body calm down?

Last edited by Harper (January 11, 2024 7:44 pm)