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1 - Tiggerslife
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How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
It has been six months ago that he left. We were married 35 years and I was replaced with a meth addiction, sex with men, and orgies with anyone and everyone. He was living another life for years that I was unaware of, under the guise of traveling for work. I found his sniffies account, photos, text messages, sex toys and his drug stash. We have been divorced for a month and things seemed to be moving along ok.
Today I’m rearranging the rooms in my house so my Granddaughter can have her own room and I keep running into things that remind me of our life together. I have cried multiple times today which are little outbursts of tears and are gone in a minute or so. My heart is still breaking at what has happened.
When will all this heartache end? I know we were married a long time but it is still breaking my heart. How long will it be until these outbursts stop and I’ll be fine on my own. I’m tied of crying and want to move on.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
How long is a piece of string? It can be as long or as short as you want it to be.
The crying at the drop of a hat, several times a day.....boy! I thought it would never end. I thought "how could I possibly feel better about what happened?"
But it did get better, slowly, and depending on your personality...your values...your feelings about it all and how you approach your recovery from it all, you will get through this. It's a situation we mostly go through alone because, well I do anyway, because nobody seems to want to talk about it/ask how I am etc.
I left A after 38 years. With big change comes new possibility. Am I sometimes sad and a bit scared of where I am in my life, who I am and where I belong? Hell yes, but I'm taking it slow...one day at a time.
Your granddaughter must be a delight to have with you 
If any of the things that remind you of him are small enough
to throw away or big enough to give away or sell....do it.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Tiggerslife
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Elle…The part about going through it alone is pretty true. Most don’t want to hear about it, especially the details.It is scary to be alone in the unknown, but it is better than where I was at when I was being lied to. Thank you for your comments. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts.
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Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
I wish I knew. I hated hearing - it takes as long as it takes - during the worst of it. It's true though.
It helped me to remember how lonely I was in my marriage even with my then h in the same room. It wasn't a real marriage for him, even from the beginning. It helped to keep going and doing things when I didn't feel like it.
Enjoy your time with your granddaughter. I know that'll help!
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Abby
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Maybe not only rearrange the rooms but also change the colors to ones that make you feel good? Give the granddaughter a room of her own and personalize it to give her a "center" in case she feels tossed about by the changes?
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- ellierigg
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Hey. I can tell you what I am going through right now, and it’s a new feeling, (had ups and downs since I separated 11 months ago). Ihad different phases (sometimes good for one or even two months, just short grief attacks). Right now my inside is teling me “ it’s enough, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I am letting it go”.
And I’m telling you, so much space opened up inside me. I feel like everything is possible.
- Rob
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Tigger,
".. I’m tied of crying and want to move on. .."
For me I cried less and less each day. Certainly the day she moved out I bawled (but it was also like a weight of bricks being lifted off my chest.. that do mainly to how abusive she was during the divorce). I think the pain and crying is normal and proves we are empathetic, feeling, normal people. I can count on half a hand the times if any I saw my GX cry..didnt realize it at the time but now I can look back and see
(like that movie the sixth sense) that this was not normal.
Does the pain go away fully.. I think it gets reduced to a tolerable and small amount. At some point I declared I want to move on... that is was safe to move on.
An e-hug on your courageous new journey.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Blackie563
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
You are right where you need to be at this time. Everyone's journey is different. Just don't throw in the towel now. It is important for you to know its possible to choose your own future, its necessary! As you remove the energy drainers out of your life, everything opens up. Give yourself the grace, 35 years is a long time. You will make it, each day, focus on living in the present. The pain we experience is due to living in the past, or anxiety about the future. As I have learned to enjoy the present, it has made a world of difference in my life. My best to you
- lily
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Tigger, I'm a hippy, I still am, love to grow food, cooking, gardening, make clay pots and fond of my chickens. Way back then, when I was a teenager amongst the music and the dancing there was a book called Be Here Now by Baba Ram Das on all the coffee tables along with the joints, the incense, pretty stones and candles.
It sounds like such a good idea, doesn't it. The irony is how neatly it disenfranchises you from managing your own present. In my early 40's I stopped meditating and I remember Promising myself that I would let myself think about the past and the future as much as I wanted.
If I hadn't done that, if I hadn't stopped jamming my brain from building a grounded picture that has a past and a future I don't know if I'd ever have got away from that marriage.
When I discovered my ex (together 37 years) was gay my first thought was this is my get out of jail free card, but I didn't think of getting away, I still loved him. When I realised he was going to keep lying to my face I took a step back and watched him. The point where I realised he expected me to care for him and look after him and do what he wanted me to the same as ever, something happened - it was a distinct feeling, like the last coin rolling out of the piggy bank he had used up my love. I didn't love him any more.
It took 18 months to get a divorce but when I finally moved here my bursts of tears over our marriage were me feeling sorry for me, not missing him.
edited to add having enjoyment in the present is great, Blackie, glad to hear things are going well for you.
Last edited by lily (February 6, 2024 6:30 pm)
- Tiggerslife
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Re: How long for the hurt and pain to go away?
Abby, part of the rearranging was moving my office into my bedroom so my Granddaughter could have her own room. She has lit up and can’t wait to play with her dolls all over the floor.
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