Hi Lily and Alex, 

Funny I think it was getting very still and quiet thru meditation that lead to the ending of my marriage to my Bi? husband.  I stopped reacting to the bait that he would lay for me emotionally which would lead to me losing my cool in a discussion of disagreement.  That abuse of power when one person in a relationship has all the truth and can manipulate the other with 'niceness'  (omg my ex was seen as such a nice man!) is so hard to see when you are reacting and trying to 'think' thru things. 

I'm 8 years past my divorce and Lily I feel like I will never really recover fully either.  The discard by my ex was so swift and complete that I was shocked, but perhaps lucky in some ways when I hear of long drawn out divorces.  But now it is still hard as I navigate the void between us.  My three sons are grown and recently my eldest son married and so I was there with all the ex- family and him with his new wife.  16 mos post divorce he married.  I thought he might go thru a gay adolescence, but he insists that is 20+ years of cottaging etc was a phase that he is over.  Somehow the denial part is so hard to deal with for me.  I somehow hoped that he would come out and at least acknowledge his behaviours, but no, he is 'cured' somehow.  Do you have any contact with your ex Lily?  I don't and it is still such a sad thing for me after 27 years together.  

Alex I'm happy you seem to be able to navigate a MOR, I had hoped that I could, but the lack of accountability for the infidelity and the absolute reluctance to admit to it made that impossible.  Also for my part I was enraged as I found out about an affair with a woman during a time I was raising three young children and very isolated in a foreign country.  I am better out, but it is such a wrench when your whole life seems to crumble in your 50s. 

Anyway.  this forum is helpful in seeing the variety of ways people navigate this difficult journey.  

Hugs to you Tired Mom!  This was my haven during the worst of my divorce from my GIDXH now 8 years ago.  Writing here helped me.  

I love broomhilda's suggestions - be ruthlessly selfish and look out for YOU.  This is so traumatic. 

And remember -  He is not looking out for you and this new revelation is NOT new to him.  Most likely he has had some experience to confirm his decision to reveal this to you.  Suppression is what I thought my GIDX was doing, but no he was active for most of our marriage.  I hope this is not the case for you, but please protect yourself first and the kids and be circumspect with him and distance yourself as much as you can while remaining respectful.  The surges of emotion and sympathy you have for him and the sadness intermingle in such painful ways....or at least that was my experience, but I what I wish I would have been able to see clearly that this is not a revelation that just comes up..... there may be fire, in fact I'd almost guarantee there is infidelity.  My ex did not disclose the extent of his experimentation til late in the divorce process and I mediated with him which was a mistake.  I should have been more interested in getting a better settlement now that I am dealing with the financial implications as I near retirement.  Be your best advocate and find as many friends and professionals as you need to help you thru this turbulence - it will end and it will be hard, but you got this sister! 

Oh how wonderful Kel!  Your posts/work here were a life-saver to me!  Count on my donation too! 

Thanks!  I hope people do listen!   -it speaks so clearly to the WTF-ness of what a straightspouse goes thru, the shattering of your reality, the existential crisis and life crisis that this betrayal trauma puts you thru.  It just felt so good to hear it all named and really explained.  Time does not heal all wounds.... there are things you can do and look at that help - this is one....

I wouldn't expect too much 'truth' from someone who is exploring something he is loathe to admit to.  It is just toooo hard....

I was told by my GIDX that his decades of cottaging was just acting out to be naughty, that he had never had sex with anyone...highly unlikely scenarios by any standard.  The ironic thing that still makes me laugh/cry is when he was confronted and confessed that had an affair with a woman - he told me his motivation was -  to 'check' if he was gay!  I guess the wife and three kids was just not enough 'proof'!!  

Excuses for bad behaviour are just that - excuses.  Lies and deceiving someone you love is not something you put on a 'list'.  Seriously!