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1 of 1- Lookingforthelight
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Bi without experience?
I’m new to this group and posted in the support section but was also looking to see if anyone has experience with a partner coming out as bisexual later in the marriage, but has had no actual experiences with the same gender? And I’m pretty certain my partner is honest about this. Also he just turned 40 in July so this revelation is definitely coming at mid-life.
So the bisexuality comes more in the form of thoughts, a sexual attraction to both men and women. I guess my question is, in this position, it feels as though we will never know for sure the extent of the attraction or satisfaction with a same-sex partner because we are married and monogamous. He says he wants to be with me and chooses me, but can he really know this? And in our dating and married life, our intimacy has always been very much lacking, because of his lack of interest (and frankly, mine too as I don’t feel desired). He hardly ever initiates.
He claims to be attracted to women (and I have seen him on occasion checking out women- though subtly and respectfully), and I do believe it to be true. I actually have never caught him checking out men...but maybe he was and I just didn’t know it. He also said he is very attracted to me, but has a low sex drive in general, and doesn’t initiate for a variety of reasons- we have a young daughter and we are tired, stress from work, etc. It has always been that way, and though I knew we really “should” be intimate more often, it didn’t seem to bother either of us so we kinda just let it go. There are so many wonderful things about our relationship, and I just came to accept and even appreciate our situation. But now the bisexuality makes things a little more confusing.
I am 2 days post our initial conversation and still reeling (not only with the bisexual part but that he has also stated he is genderqueer which has another set of emotions attached to it for me). It has been helpful to read the posts here and I’m grateful to have found this group.
- TangledOil
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Re: Bi without experience?
Hi Looking,
Our situation is somewhat similar to yours, but my husband had very little experience when he was a teen. Not zero experience. We are now in our 50s. I had the same question you do as to the extent of what that attraction might look like and, a year in, I’m 95% confident that I understand what my husband’s attractions are. I can’t be 100% because I don’t know how he’d know unless he gave it a try. I’m not sure he can even be sure because he hasn’t gone down that road. But knowing what I know about how he works has relieved my discomfort greatly.
I think this often comes in the form of a midlife crisis. That’s how it presented here as well.
My husband and I have never lacked for sexual intimacy. And since he came out to me we’ve grown even closer. The challenging days are getting fewer and further between. We still talk about all of this probably a couple times per week and I’m the one bringing it up and he’s happy to discuss.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (December 7, 2020 4:58 pm)
- Lookingforthelight
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Re: Bi without experience?
Tangled,
Thanks so much for your response. It is terrible to be going through this alone and in a pandemic.
Your story gives me hope that these things can become clearer and that you can even grow closer as partners. It’s wonderful that you have open communication and we do as well. We have talked about this exhaustively since Saturday. These initial days of shock are gut wrenching.
If you don’t mind my asking, what did your partner say about this idea of “thoughts” not coming to fruition? Has he stuffed them down? My partner says he feels fulfilled by me, and always has, and has no desire to go looking elsewhere.
Has your partner told other people? In one way, I understand wanting to- to be authentic in the world, and for political reasons (if we are all honest about who we are, perhaps we can lessen the stigma of marginalized groups a bit). But I also see that doing so would cause a lot of heartache for his conservative family (and they would likely disown him). And while I am hurting badly as an individual, I also have a lot of empathy for his situation.
Thanks again
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Thread Starter- TangledOil
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Re: Bi without experience?
Hello again Looking,
No, he doesn’t stuff them down. He acknowledges them and accepts they for what they are, but he doesn’t act on them with an outsider. My husband says the same as yours... he’s completely satisfied by me, but there’s the other side I think they’ll always have a curiosity for. Like I said it often seems to arise as somewhat of a midlife crises... like “crap, I’m at such an such an age... if I don’t explore this now it’ll never happen.” My husband went through that, but the thought of what would potentially be if he went that route was worse... he has no desire whatsoever to change anything about his life situation, yet he had the curiosity. Overtime he’s become more at peace with how things are, but I’m not completely trusting this won’t rear it’s ugly head again. I feel like I’ll forever be considering that it may come up again.
You can read through my posts to see a bit more on my story.
No, my husband has told no one, but me. He has zero desire to tell anyone and he feels no kinship to the LGBTQ community.
I’m going to send you a link to a Reddit subreddit you may find helpful. I’ll message it to you.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (December 7, 2020 6:30 pm)
- Leah
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Re: Bi without experience?
Okay, I hate to be a bit of a damp squib here, but I had a lot of trust in my X too, I heard and thought all of the above thoughts. We had many conversations where he was so sincere in telling me it was just curiousity and he had zero interest in living “that’ life. And how he wanted only me... turns out he wanted a lot more than just lil ole me! And so I wrote this article... There are many reasons to hide....the....truth!!!
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However, he was a very, very good liar. He had dozens of experiences with men over our entire marriage. I was crushed. It was so upsetting. Of course, no one’s experience is ever the same. BUT many of these people who come out to their spouses are deceitful as that is why they deny that they have had the ‘experience’ our society does not support their journey and I’d say if you are religious at all and this is a ‘thing’ in your life, then I would urge you to at the very least see a counsellor who you can use to mediate an honest (if that is possible) conversation.
But sorry I just realized this is in the MOM section...my ex is bisexual and remarried a woman with whom he is in a MOM, so.... if you know I guess it is different. God I hope so for your sake's....honesty is good...
Last edited by Leah (December 10, 2020 10:52 pm)
- TangledOil
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Re: Bi without experience?
Leah,
As for myself, I know without a doubt that my husband has not cheated. Everyone is different. There are bi men that cheat for sure, but there are also people of every sexual orientation that cheat. My husband is very careful generally speaking. That’s the way he lives life. He’s not a risk taker at all. He was depressed over his sexuality and revealed it all to me. It’s been a year. He answers every question. We’re doing well. He’s never agitated by any questions I ask, no matter how bizarre. We love each other dearly. Yes, this adds a new dimension to who he is, but I saw evidence of it from the beginning. He only recently came to terms with it 30 years in. I saw a poll recently and it seems 1 in 3 bisexual men say they’ve had no bisexual experience whatsoever because they realized their bisexuality well into straight marriages in many cases.
Tangled
- Lookingforthelight
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Re: Bi without experience?
Tangled,
Thanks for chiming in here. I’m already stressed to the max. I do trust my partner when he says he has no experience. He also said that he doesn’t really have “urges” of any kind, nor brought it up because he was unfulfilled or wanted anything different. He said he could have just as well not told me about the bisexuality because it really has no impact on how he feels about me or wanting to exclusively be with me. And he doesn’t want anything to change. But wanted to be completely open with me because we are partners and want to know each other entirely. Just like I can find another man attractive, but have no urge to be intimate with him- because I love my partner and am loyal to him. I think there is a stereotype that bisexual people are just attracted to anything that moves- but this is just as ridiculous as saying that I am attracted to all men.
In all honesty I am doing better coping with the bisexuality than the gender identity issue he is having- That one has really thrown me. And while I suspected the bisexuality, I did not expect non-binary. It’s a lot. And makes me have to re-evaluate my own sexuality/attraction. In other words, if I am married to someone who doesn’t identify as male or female and I am in a relationship with them, then am I still heterosexual? Labels are so confusing. And the crazy thing is, this person hasn’t CHANGED as far as how I love them. The person is exactly the same: the same person that makes stupid dad jokes, the same person that rubs my head at night, the same person that puts my bread in the toaster. The first person I want to tell about my day. The person I have been through many tough times with- it is still the same person! So confusing.
I will also add- when I thought about my dating history, all the men I have dated are somewhat feminine. Because I value sensitivity and listening and so forth. And I’m not a fan of some of the more masculine traits or activities (eg hunting). I bet if you went back and interviewed all my exes, there might be one or two more that would honestly identify as bisexual or feel less than totally masculine. So I have to unpack that a bit with my counselor. It could be that I am attracted to a certain kind of man, and that even if we separated and I found another partner, I would wind up right back here in 10 years.
Last edited by Lookingforthelight (December 11, 2020 6:17 pm)
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