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1 - broomhilda2
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Want to tell my son. Need advice
On Oct 14 it will be 2 years since my divorce was finalized. Yay, me!
I have an 18 year old son who still doesn’t know that I left his father because he is gay.
He still doesn’t know that I stayed with his father 9 more years after disclosure, developing stomach ulcers, mental health issues, and unexplained physical pain.
The divorce papers stated that neither party should discuss the details with minor children or speak disparagingly about one another so I didn’t. I had always felt that we should be honest with our son so that he could grow up to know that there are different types of families and it’s OK. My ex absolutely refused.
So now that my son is 18, I want to tell him. He made a comment over a year ago that he thought I probably got mad over something stupid and that’s why I wanted a divorce. I assured him that my heart was broken and it wasn’t something stupid… today he made a comment that was somewhat disrespectful and has been generally disregarding me. He’s a sweet boy but something isn’t right.
My son lives 100% with me and sees his dad for a few hours during the week. Of course, when he’s with dad, it’s all good times. I’m the one that has to deal with the vaping and struggling with School, all the moods & feelings, enforcing rules and chores, etc. He hardly wants to do anything fun with me and I sense that he has some resentment towards me about the divorce.
So, my question is, do I tell him or wait for my son to ask? Do I give my Ex fair warning that I’m going to expose him or have I done enough for him? He’s had more than 2 years to come out on his own. We don’t talk to each other. He never apologized to me and, in the end, I had to go grey rock for the sake of my health.
I’d love to hear from those who have grown children and what happened with your parent/child relationships.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
Edited to add....2 years Broom..!! Wow. 🤗
All 4 of my adult children know why I left A.
None of them ask questions though they all know the basics.
It has helped that there is no acrimony between A and me.
I do think at 18 your son is old enough to know but yeah... it's a tough spot to put him, and you, in.
Do you think your son might have heard something from somebody else? A bit of gossip that's weighing on his mind?
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 23, 2024 2:55 am)
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Edited to add....2 years Broom..!! Wow. 🤗
yes!! How about you? It’s been a while since I’ve logged in.
All 4 of my adult children know why I left A.
None of them ask questions though they all know the basics. It has helped that there is no acrimony between A and me.
So is A out of the house now? Did you sit down & tell the kids? Was your husband involved in telling them? What were their reactions?
As far as acrimony… long story for this post. I’ll have to do another with a life update. In a nutshell, I tried my best to move forward & reimagine our family but he continued the mindfuck instead, so I had to resort to not talking to him inside our home. In front of our son I did my best, but by then, my best wasn’t very good at all.
Do you think your son might have heard something from somebody else? A bit of gossip that's weighing on his mind?
I think that the covid times, while we were all stuck in our toxic home, are catching up with him. He’s shaping thoughts, opinions, & memories about me based on the last few years. He’s comparing his fun dad to his psycho mom. If he had the right context about the situation, perhaps he would have a healthier mindset.
2 of his good friends, are children of two of my friends, whom , I did tell. I have been very worried about one of them telling her son. She didn’t deserve to hear my story. She basically bullied it out of me and I regretted it ever since. That was over 10 years ago now. She took my Ex’s side as the poor gay man not living his life. I Absolutely believe she gossiped about us to our friends and wouldn’t be surprised if she told her son, framing it as a life lesson to be authentic and blah blah blah. Not sure if her son would be cruel enough to say something, BUT they have recently had a falling out. My son hasn’t wanted to hang out with him or talk to him for about a month now.
Elle, you might be on to something.
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Thread Starter- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
Kudos for making it to your son's 18th birthday without revealing his secret. Do you think your Ex is a narcissist and manipulative? I asked because you mentioned your son's behavior towards you. Your Ex isn’t trying to help by telling your Son to respect his Mom, and you had every right to get a divorce!
I will share with my Children whether he decides to tell them or not when they are older. I also believe children will pick up on some of the signs. My Ex is all about his image and how he looks in front of everyone.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
...yes!! How about you? It’s been a while since I’ve logged in. This separating from a non-straight spouse never gets old no matter how long ago you made the decision to leave. My life was changed/will never be the same. I wake up every morning to an emptiness.
So is A out of the house now? Long story. I filed for separation, stayed in the home til I could move cities with my son & partner. Then A moved back as well (this was his city to move back to as well). But then 2 things happened...my oldest son (alcoholic, adhd, depression) needed somewhere to live so my younger son found a place for just them (broke up with his partner) and A offered me a room in his apartment. So I've been here for the last 6 months but treating it like a rental and flatmate situation. I'm gratefuland A has accepted that he is, financially, better off than me and feels like he "owes me"
Did you sit down & tell the kids? Was your husband involved in telling them? What were their reactions? I'm pretty open with all my kids, A not so much but this Mindfuck taught me that I no longer need to care so much about the r'ship A has with our children. In fact the best thing is to make a line in the sand and not cross over it. Although whenever one of them has a question, seems to want to talk or is receptive of me opening up to them....I grab it with both hands.
As far as acrimony… long story for this post. I’ll have to do another with a life update. In a nutshell, I tried my best to move forward & reimagine our family but he continued the mindfuck instead, so I had to resort to not talking to him inside our home. In front of our son I did my best, but by then, my best wasn’t very good at all. When this happens it happens to us not our non-straight/gay, lesbian, bisexual others so when you put what they have done to change the dynamics of our lives against all we have to do to keep ourselves & families together...I reckon our best is anything we do to not stand still and keep moving forward.
I think that the covid times, while we were all stuck in our toxic home, are catching up with him. He’s shaping thoughts, opinions, & memories about me based on the last few years. He’s comparing his fun dad to his psycho mom. If he had the right context about the situation, perhaps he would have a healthier mindset. I can only talk for myself but yip....getting the truth is better than being kept in the dark. Ask him if his father has told him why you're no longer together..and if not would he like to hear it from you.
I started an email to my children, years ago, it's in Draft. It's SO long, I add to it like a diary and I hope they get to read it one day.
2 of his good friends, are children of two of my friends, whom , I did tell. I have been very worried about one of them telling her son. She didn’t deserve to hear my story. She basically bullied it out of me and I regretted it ever since. That was over 10 years ago now. She took my Ex’s side as the poor gay man not living his life. I Absolutely believe she gossiped about us to our friends and wouldn’t be surprised if she told her son, framing it as a life lesson to be authentic and blah blah blah. Not sure if her son would be cruel enough to say something, BUT they have recently had a falling out. My son hasn’t wanted to hang out with him or talk to him for about a month now.
Elle, you might be on to something. I reckon you need to carefully open a conversation with your son. In the right circumstances, when you're both calm. Young people these days have a lot on their plate. And as I said to my older son....who has just asked for help for his struggles.....you can't eat the elephant in one sitting. One step at a time.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- broomhilda2
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
Kudos for making it to your son's 18th birthday without revealing his secret.
Thank You!! I appreciate that someone who relates, get's how hard this was
Do you think your Ex is a narcissist and manipulative?
Absolutely. He's a Covert Narcissist. He was not a supportive co-parent and in hindsight, I see how he got supply from me needing & groveling for his help; convincing me I can't be on my own. My Ex has always been very sarcastic & gossipy. I imagine when my son vents to him about me that my Ex wells up with happiness and acts as though it's all relatable instead of encouraging a respectful relationship with his mom.
I will share with my Children whether he decides to tell them or not when they are older.
How old are your children?
I also believe children will pick up on some of the signs. My Ex is all about his image and how he looks in front of everyone.
Yep. Image is everything, they are very good at pretending.
They will pickup on things but also absorb our negative energy and learn about relationships from us. I worry about that. I think my son has made some incorrect assumptions along the way and now he's treating me weirdly, experiencing anxiety, has trouble making friends, vaping, and has fits of rage here & there. New behaviors for him. In fact, I've actually been worried that his behaviors toward ME are all too familiar of his father lately.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
what if your son is gay?
me I would tell him about why you broke up with his father as soon as I could - tell him how much I love him and then may the chips fall where they do.
by not telling him I think you are leaving room for ex to put a wedge into your relationship with him.
- broomhilda2
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
Me I would tell him about why you broke up with his father as soon as I could - tell him how much I love him and then may the chips fall where they do.
Do you have kids, Lily?
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
...........by not telling him I think you are leaving room for ex to put a wedge into your relationship with him.
Good point Lily
E
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Want to tell my son. Need advice
No I don't, Broom - my ex didn't want to have children and when I refused to do contraception any more he took to having fake orgasms - it's okay It's alright to laugh, I laugh about it too though it is of course a painful topic for me.
I would have made a good mother, like my own mother was.
Me I probably couldn't help myself, wise or not, I would want to talk with him, but my thinking re your situation has shifted in that you have expressed some concern over the way he's behaving so really it's going to come down to your gut instinct, I think.