Nuntucket, I am sorry to see you in this situation. I hate to put labels on people, but your partner really doesn't sound straight. I think he is somewhere on the bi/gay spectrum (don't panic, however, many people are!).

However, I think you are facing far worse problems than his sexuality and these are:
- Secretive behavior
- Being giddy when texting other people and not filling you in on the conversation
- Not meeting and ignoring your emotional needs
- Minimizing or ridiculing your concerns, when you raise them
- Not seeking intimacy with you
- Depression and porn overuse could also be concerns and signs that something in your relationship isn't working 

Based on the behaviors there could also be lying and cheating, however it doesn't sound like you have proof.

It doesn't matter if he is straight, bi or gay. As you read more on the topic, you will find that many bi and even gay husbands are able to meet all of their female wives' needs. I am one of those examples (together for 9 years, 8 months post-disclosure). Likewise, if he was straight and all of the above behaviors were directed towards women - would it make it any better? They are still secretive, dismissive behaviors. Read about "secret sexual basements" and how this secrecy can sometimes equate to abuse:
https://www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/

I would say, don't wait for the bomb to drop, address your concerns with him - again and again. If he doesn't want to talk about being "gay" (as you will read more on this topic, you will discover no gay-in-denial or bi-in-denial husband does) ask him if his sexual and emotional needs are satisfied in your relationship. Approach with as much love and care as you can - you might get a confession. If you can't get him to open up and he continues to be secretive - I would ask myself whether it is worth staying in the partnership.

If you do get him to open up and decide to work on your marriage - I recommend looking at therapy and other forums, too. Many people here have been disillusioned about mixed-orientation marriages (they can be hard work, particularly in the first three years, even if both parties are willing to put in the effort). 

Be patient with him, but, more importantly, kind to yourself. Always put your oxygen mask on first!

Sending you all the love and strength.

Nice post, Alex, but 'disillusioned'?  I have to take issue with that - you have to know you're in a MOR to be disillusioned by it.

Perhaps you're saying we've been disillusioned over all MORs because ours were so bad.

Personally, my view is that when there is a straight involved in a MOR it might make it more possible to stay together, but it is at the straight's expense.



 

I met ex when I was 19, he was a few years older than me and I and stayed with him until my late 50's.

I consider myself lucky to have got away from him when I did - it happened thanks to the straight spouse forum.  Well first it was a bit of logic - when I asked him if he was gay and he said no why didn't that satisfy me?, why years later am I asking him if he might be a little bit gay, and now years later again I've just asked him again.  By this stage the internet had arrived and I asked Google why does a straight woman marry a gay man and it came up with the Straight Spouse Forum.  There I got the confirmation I needed that he was gay and I got an answer to my question - because she didn't know.  I also heard the term GID - Gay In Denial for the first time.

I'm in my late 60's now.  So let's get this down if I can - my healing has come in a series of shockwaves.

1) he's gay.   This is the first and biggest one, like a lightning bolt in the night it lit up the landscape around me and I'm starting to think for myself again.  Then followed a series of aftershocks.

2) he is Gay In Denial.  It had never occurred to me someone would lie about something so important - it's his happiness as well as mine, isn't it?

3) he still is GID.  Initially I had thought we might get on better, be more friendly now his secret was out between us, but then I see how much his closet matters to him and I am a threat to it.

4) he is not my friend.  still crying over that.  I was his friend.

5) On a psychological level I've been seriously abused.  You do realise he is emotionally abusing you, my solicitor asked.  adding that he was financially abusing me too.  No I didn't, not til she said it, I had never heard the term emotional abuse, I just knew he didn't hit me, he didn't even yell at me, he was nice to me all the time.
 
6) he is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Mr Nice Guy.  He's so nice his response to my saying that to him was to draw me a Christmas card with a wolf in dressing gown and slippers posing under the tree.  It was nicely coloured, very cute and disarming.

7) he really is ruthless.  and his clothing works really well for him.  He co-opted my closest friends to his side before I'd even spoken to them.
 
8) things got pretty scary for a while there - that was another shock in itself.

9) I have moved into my new home, and I wake up in the morning.  OMG.  I can barely believe it I am so relaxed.  One night away from him, and I recognise the underlying anxiety I had become increasingly aware of was caused by my proximity to him, emotionally when we were together and then til I physically moved away.  It was luxury to lie on the living room carpet and cry my eyes out.

So yes, that is how my healing happened - I got away from him.

From there on it is to live with the consequences which is not all stuff I can recover from - he hoodwinked me into doubting myself rather than blaming him for the hurt I felt.  I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until I was ending it.  Over the years minutes and decades it mounts up to a lot of hurt. 

In the years here I have seen so many stories that reflect the same basic journey of hey something's not adding up, to uh oh, oh no, and the great escape. 

Last time I played bridge my partner said "life is a series of mistakes" - the whole table instantly laughed with her.

He admitted to being bisexual for a couple of weeks but took it back when I kept saying it's not straight and you should have told me.  During that two weeks he opened up about his feelings a bit - he loved the attention of men.  He got all pink and girly talking about it.  something I had not seen before, the limited sex we'd had was well, hollow of emotion.  Not that it wasn't enough for me to feel bonded, like we were partners.  

I don't know if I'll ever get over it, Alex.  I think part of my healing is to contribute here.  Right now it is a sunny morning and I have a cup of coffee on the verandah, glad to be alive and feeling happy.


 

Hi Alex,

Thanks for your reply.  Hope you had a nice time doing the meditation retreat but it makes me think oh no - how did I manage to put up with being in an abusive relationship all those years?  by meditating a lot.  

By thinking it was up to me to be happy for myself, and not to look to him for happiness.

And that's the point - it was an abusive relationship, it's not that he didn't tell me he had SSA and if he had everything would be fine, it's everything about the relationship.  I fell in love, I was ready to stand by him through thick and thin while he was seeing what he could get from me and weighing it up against the attentions of the good-looking gay man who was so into him.  I think he must have decided that he'd rather have the protection of the closet than love - with hindsight I can see he had more than one boyfriend while we were married, but I think he enjoyed the bit where he dumped them even more than the sex.





 

Last edited by lily (August 10, 2024 4:52 pm)