I'm new to this forum but have been consuming information from the Straight Spouse Network for months after seeing Emily Reese's Ted Talk video on YouTube. I am the "other" other because I had an (initially unintentional) affair with a married gay man (and I'm not a woman, lol). I'm glad the Straight Spouse Network is here as a resource for straight spouses mismarried to gay, bi, and/or trans spouses. While other resources for straight spouses are few, resources for the other other are nearly non-existent. I'm grieving over the relationship, need to get it off my chest, and would appreciate perspectives from straight spouses.

I met Josh in October 2019 after a local gay/bi Kik group chat. I live in a mid-sized heartland city that leans socially conservative, although we are big enough to have a gay community, bars, resources, active social media, etc. Ironically, a gay friend believed Josh might be his husband, so he'd asked me to chat with him for intel. After feeding some information to my friend to clear his husband's name, I continued to chat with Josh because I thought he was charming. I get tired of heterosexually married gay or bi men looking for casual hookups, so early in the chat I asked if he was single. He told me he had been married to a woman, but he was now divorced five years, looking for friends, and possibly more. I'm 53 and went a few years without dating much because I was caregiving for my mom until she died, and I'm attracted to men close to my age, but available ones are limited in my community. He was the same age as me. Bingo!

After a few more chats we agreed to meet. It went very well. He was charming, attractive, intelligent, and seemed into me. After a few more get togethers we decided to become boyfriends. Although he was divorced, and he had two kids who were in college, he said he still had a daughter in high school living with him, and he was not out to his family because of her. He wanted her to get into college before coming out. I bought it. Of course, he couldn't host, and he was a professional in a conservative workplace, so he was not out professionally, either. Therefore, we mostly hung out at my place, which was near where he worked. His house was in a suburb quite a drive from me, so I mostly saw him at lunch or in the late afternoon, with occasional weekend time. After four months, I was beginning to grow skeptical. Something didn't seem right. I got that he wasn't fully out, which I hated, but the restraint on time was bothersome. Regardless, the words "I love you" were being used, and he was so affectionate. After years of not dating, and more years since I was in a serious relationship, it felt really good.

Still, something was off. He initially told me he'd been divorced five years, but in another conversation he said three. Once, I was beginning to introduce him to a friend, and before I could say Josh, he extended his hand for a shake, saying "Steve." I asked him later, and he said Josh was his middle name, but he used his first name, Steve, more in professional interactions. I should have asked for his ID, but I hate conflict, so I figured I'd trust, but verify. Once I did more snooping, I found his real name, and I confirmed he was married!!!

It was a Friday night, and he was not responding to my texts saying we need to talk. The next morning, I drove by his house to see if his car was parked in front. It was, but so were about 20 other cars. I thought he must be having a family reunion. I was in turmoil. I'd been conned! Should I tell his wife? No, I thought. I was too emotionally charged. I would do it later so I could be mindful of how I break the news. That's when I started searching closeted gay husbands on YouTube and found Emily Reese's Ted Talk video, and through her, the Straight Spouse Network and its "Straight Spouse Voices" podcasts. It was incredibly helpful to learn what straight spouses go through. Also, I Googled his wife's name, and I learned her mom had just died and the funeral was that weekend. Not a good time to tell her.

That Monday Josh (Steve) got in touch with me (I learned he kept a separate hookup phone). He said he was so incredibly sorry, he never wanted to hurt me, he tells guys he meets he is divorced because saying he's married makes him feel like a creep, and then he didn't know how to unwind the lie. He wanted to talk to me in person. When he did, he looked so hurt, acted so scared, and was so very apologetic. He said he'd been working on coming out, but he didn't know how to go about telling his wife. He was working toward getting the courage to do it. I should have said, let me know after you do, but instead, I offered to hold his hand through the process. I was hooked. I loved him. If he was struggling, I thought, then maybe I could help him do the right thing.

We continued to see each other as before. On our six-month dating anniversary, I brought up his coming out. He said he wants to so bad, but he's not yet ready. I suggested counseling. He said it wasn't for him. He knew he was gay and what needed to be done, but he was worried about his daughter, too. I dropped it, but brought it up again after his birthday. Same story. I was starting to feel like the dirty secret and an enabler. I myself went into therapy to get a handle on it. A few weeks ago he told me to he had to leave early to meet a contractor at his house about putting in a pool next year. I thought this was odd. Pools are expensive, and even though he could afford it, he was always very mindful about how he spent his money. A couple of days later I pressed him about the decision to put in a pool. I said it didn't sound like someone who planned to come out to his wife. He said, "Honestly, I will never come out to her. I've worked hard my whole life to create the image of being straight, and I won't give that up." I was floored! I said we're done. He said he loved me and was happy with the way things are. He started to put on the charm. I said the only way I could continue is if he'd go into therapy to accept his sexuality and understand the impacts his closet has on others. He scoffed,""Therapy?! I'm sure it works for you and others, but that's not who I am!" His response seemed smug, as though people who get therapy are broken, when instead they are smart to recognize the value of emotional wellness. I now recognize this as gaslighting. I had poked at his closet, and he gaslighted me as a defense mechanism. If he was doing this to me, he was likely doing it tenfold to his wife.

After that conversation, we had several text exchanges wherein I shared information about the harmful impacts of closets on straight spouses. I framed it as tough love. He ignored them, said he didn't need to read them, etc. Finally, in an exchange a few days later, I asked if he had any concern at all about what his closet and infidelity is doing to his wife. "She's fine," he said. "Don't worry about her." He provided not one expression of empathy toward her the entire time we were together.

I returned a text message saying he had three choices. (1) He will tell his wife he's gay. He can take a couple of days to contact a lawyer and get his ducks in a row, but she can hear it coming from him and perhaps he can be mindful, listen, and try to minimize her trauma. (2) I would tell her, not out of resentment, but compassion for her being married to a man who has lied and cheated on her for years. I considered this to be abusive. I didn't tell him that I'd already planned to contact a friend of hers on Facebook who was the supportive parent of lesbian daughter and her wife. I thought she might be able to cushion the blow. (3) He would get counseling, work through his closet issues, and come out to her with the support of a counselor. He must provide receipts. He chose #3.

He is now two counseling sessions in. He says he has retained lawyers and is laying the groundwork, but he needs more counseling before he comes out. I hope he is telling the truth. I think he is. But what hurts is he also said he never loved me. Our relationship was meaningless to him. He is sorry if that hurts, but I should know the truth. I don't believe him. I think it's more gaslighting, as well as compartmentalization. But it's not about me, although it hurts tremendously. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Do any of you have experiences with the other other? What are they? Because if he does come out to her, I want to talk with her at some point to apologize for continuing to see him, share my story, let her know how I handled it, and why. I also want to make sure she is aware of the Straight Spouse Network, and to see that she is getting the support she needs. I also realize she might hate me, at least at the beginning. What might I expect?

Finally, while I'm not a straight spouse, I am an ally. I have never been in the closet, dated a woman, led a woman on, or any of the sort. Frankly, I'm baffled that this is still happening in 2020. I thoroughly respect this forum as a resource for straight spouses. As a gay man, I run across far too many married men on the apps looking for hookups. It's breathtaking. I hope to learn from this experience and educate other gay men on dealing with heterosexually married gay and bi cheaters, as well as for them to understand the impacts that hooking up with these guys can have on straight spouses. Thank you!

 

Last edited by buck67209 (November 14, 2020 9:47 pm)