Hi prettysure,

Actions speak louder than words. He's showing you who he is, and now you get to believe him, or not, as you choose. Your gut knows what his actions are, and how his words don't match up. That's why it feels icky.

Trust yourself. Whether you stay with him, or whether you leave. Don't let his mis-matched actions and words undermine your trust in yourself. It's a slow erosion.

Can you be happy in this marriage without being sexually fulfilled? Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason for ending a relationship.

My ex watched gay porn in secret, first came out as bi a few years before we separated, and is now engaged to his boyfriend. I do believe he loved me, and I also am 99% certain he never cheated on me. But he also was never fully himself with me. That's not a recipe for the type of relationship I deserve.

Do what is right for you.

Wishing you the best,

Anon 765

Hi Prettysure, welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. One way or another you have a tough ride ahead.

My husband is bi and 9 months post-disclosure (married for almost 10 years). It has been a wild and often very painful ride, but I love our relationship today and wouldn't want to go back.

My story is similar to yours, but with a few differences that may or may not be concerning.

I also never had any evidence of cheating and my gut says he never had. We always had sex. Less often before disclosure, but pretty much as often as I wanted, if felt like he was always "ready to go", I just wasn't always interested, busy life, etc. He also asked for some anal play early in the relationship and, like you, I also liked that he was open minded. He never seemed to be that much into it and we did it very occasionally. He definitely preferred PIV most of the time. Now that all of this came out, I spoke to his ex-wife about it and she was not getting much action at all, which formed a big part of her leaving him. When we got together (we were friends and colleagues first for many years) he also suspected he had ED and confessed to me about it (damn, it would have been a good time to say "oh yeah, and also I'm attracted to men"... lol). You'll think I'm weird but I loved him so much, I said I didn't care and that if he can't get hard he can just play with me in other ways. Maybe my reaction took the pressure off, maybe our chemistry just matched, but he never really struggled getting hard thereafter.

Discovery was similar - I found lots of gay porn. When I asked him about it, he said he was maybe bisexual. It caught me off guard and was very painful, but it was also the beggining of the most accelerated personal growth journey of my life (and his for that matter). You can read some of my posts if you search by my name.

To answer your questions:

Q:Am I just being paranoid or closed-minded?
A:You are most definitely not, but if you decide to stay in this relationship and ride this ride, your mind is likely to be blown and expanded

Q:Is he more likely gay than bi?
A:This is something only he can answer. Likely only after a year or so of therapy. He is clearly in denial.

Q:Is he just not into me in general?
A:This is something only you can answer. Is he meeting your needs? If he's not meeting all your needs, write your needs out in order of priority. Is he meeting the top ones?

Waiting won't help. Whether you want to stay in the relationship or start rebuilding your life - you need to address all of your concerns with him. If he opens up and you both are ready for the rollercoaster - your marriage stands a chance. If he clings onto his closet - the lies and deception will kill your relationship way before his sexual fantasies will.

Good luck and stay strong! My heart goes out to you 💔