Interesting topic for sure. I think for some it’s just about having fun and getting off. And for others it’s about the emotional component. Both my husband and I believe his curiosity was because he was sexually abused by an older male when he was quite young and it was pleasurable. He was young enough that he didn’t know it was wrong until many years later. My husband has come to the conclusion that he is what he’d call heteroflexible. He’s mostly into women, but if he had an exceptionally trustworthy male friend he wound consider him for very occasional opportunities for “penis play,” The thing is, my husband doesn’t think he would likely find anyone he’d trust anyway, along with me not being on board. The abuse really messed him up in that regard. He had one male friend that he trusted when he was 19. That didn’t last long and they both went their separate ways. My husband has never had any romantic interest in men or crushes on men. It popped into my husband’s head that maybe he can consider that again with the same person. That’s what started all this nonsense about a year ago. Nothing happened. The friend lives states away and isn’t aware of my husband’s recent thoughts. 

I think many people would consider anyone that can offer them pleasure. Out of curiosity I made an account on a threesome app recently. Holy freaking cow... I was not prepared for the shit people are into. I never through of myself as prudish, but I now realize both my husband and I are quite prudish/conservative/vanilla in our sexuality. 

Last edited by TangledOil (October 24, 2020 4:39 pm)

Reading a lot of the stories in here (and other forums), the unfaithful partner very rarely confesses to more than there is discovered evidence for. Trickle-truthing, minimizing & blame-shifting are very common.

I only have the experience of being a full-time straight person—so I can't say whether or not a "gay phase" is a thing—but my instinct tells me it's probably not. Deep denial, repression, and shame are very real....and very common, though...I think that's why so many rationalize it as "just sex..." or "just a penis fetish" (I see this one a lot.) Bisexuals often lament what they call the "bi-cycle" where attraction to same-sex people is very intense at times...and muted during other times. Maybe that is what your ex-partner is experiencing....

I also think it's entirely possible that his same-sex experiences weren't enjoyable for him without the emotional element. That is true for many people (men/women/straight/gay/and everyone in between).

I totally understand that you want answers...and some sense of closure—but if you're not married/no longer partnered & have no children—maybe it's best (for your own mental health) to get some distance so you can heal from what was no doubt a pretty traumatizing experience. 
 

Totally not cool I would suggest you counter argue with you checking off the list of men opposite to him ( just to be sure you arent missing something!!) eg- fair as opposed to dark, Black/white  tall/short , slight /muscular etc and check out his reaction , it wont go well let me tell you !

Why these men think that its not cheating technically if its same sex is beyond me !

Last edited by Virion (October 27, 2020 2:12 pm)

Guess I want to reply ..as a straight guy..if you put a gun to my head..there is no list.  Its not something any straight guy has on a list.   Just wanted to say that..

I found in my snooping my GXs list..things on it like get stupid drunk etc.   At our age some of the things seemed childish ..but I didn't see kiss a girl on there ..because she was already doing that..

Thing is..she never shared any these goals or list with me.  It was like I was holding her back..like a parent holding a teenager back..I was suddenly a determent to her..keeping her from woman and other things..I was the source of all problems and unhappiness in her life.  This is her reasoning to this day. 

TGT is a terrible thing for us straight spouses ..it creates this doubt, anxiety and  mistrust that is, now, always there. It creates self loathing..as if we are or never were enough for them. 

But we used to be enough.  Reality is we are enough..this is all them. This is their list. But just because they write it down does not make it moral and right..

Marta.m, thank you for this.....!  Exactly my story! He's only owned up to the one that I know the name. Denies denies denies any more, but I have proof. I don't want to put all my cards on the table.  I'm letting him get into his therapy and perhaps he will come out with more truth. I'm being a much kinder human than I thought I ever could be. Perhaps even stupid! Thank you again!