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General Discussion » News story triggering old fears » September 22, 2021 2:03 pm

I’ve come a LONG ways. I’m still in the same house, but I have so many boundaries and my own room and bathroom (that I built for myself in the garage) so I have felt safer from his cold hatred of me for a while.
Then this news story comes along, I watched a bit too much, and I’m remembering sooo many times when my trans in denial husband has had me sobbing my guts out over his lack of caring for whether I even live or die. He’s put me in so many risky situations in the past for his own twisted temporary pleasure, and then he’s expressed such fury at me when I didn’t cooperate for my own safety’s sake... and he’s SUCH a nice guy to everyone else... it’s just so triggering. It feels like I will only be safe as long as it coincides with his own plans to look good.
I’ve been working so hard to build up resources to divorce and still be able to support all my kiddos. I’ve released a lot of my old fears that were holding me back.
But I can’t get away from the thought that he wouldn’t be sad if I was rotting in some state park somewhere just like that poor girl. And his family will absolutely always believe he’s such a sweet guy.

General Discussion » Covid19/Coronavirus...how is everyone's situation? » August 13, 2020 4:16 am

In CA, both the rural county I live in and the county I worked in are shut down. I “could” move my business outdoors, but our weather is in the hundreds, up to 107° this week. So no way.
Almost no one wears a mask up here, if you go in the little country stores some men aren’t even wearing shirts, so masks are too big of an ask I suppose. *sigh*
My 4 kids started distance learning, and they have  so many check ins and live classes throughout each day. My stress is through the roof. I’m horrified at being stuck at home solidly five days every week, not able to work on my business or even drive to the lake to study. I’m so worn down from having to deal with my GIDH. He’s thrilled, he gets to work from home plus have us all trapped here. My chest has gotten so tight and painful today that if I hadn’t already had all the tests for my heart I would be going to the doctor tomorrow. 
I’m thankful I have some savings of my own. I’m thankful I have a great support group for my business to help me once the restrictions ease up.  And I’m thankful for all of you staying in touch on here. It’s unfortunate but comforting to not be the only one.

General Discussion » Anyone embarrassed » August 7, 2020 2:48 am

Yes, there are several aspects that are embarrassing. My husband is so...flamboyant... even though he is fully closeted, that I’m embarrassed at how many people must have known or suspected he was gay (trans) and how many people must have been shocked when he married my young 18 yr old self. I know my brother was surprised, but he just never explained it fully to me.
I get embarrassed when I think about how I was bragging to people about how much he loved me, that he wouldn’t have sex before marriage, even though we slept side by side for almost a year before marriage.
It’s embarrassing to think about people wondering how we conceived all the kids. I feel they must know he laid there with his eyes closed fantasizing about penises.
I get embarrassed thinking people might not believe me. Lots of people think gay men CAN’T have sex with a woman, but that’s not true... while they’re still young they can totally just close their eyes and get the job done if necessary.

But on the flip side; I wish so badly that my husband would come out of his closet. I am sick to death of pretending we have any sort of marriage. I can’t wait to get divorced. If he came out it would also help the divorce happen a lot sooner and help him not be so furious at me when I want a divorce but he wants me to hide behind.

General Discussion » Are they really your friend? » July 19, 2020 3:07 am

I’m curious. How many of us had become isolated and felt like our lgbt spouse was our best friend? Or only friend?
I always said my trans-in-denial husband was my best friend, But that’s only because he made me lose all my actual friends. I had been trained to spend every second with my husband, never going out with my friends or even chatting on the phone with them if he was home.
Over the years I became extremely isolated except for an occasional mom-group where people really weren’t my age and weren’t exactly my friends.
Over the years he manipulated and abused me and constantly lied to me, and  I realized he’s not a friend to me. I wouldn’t treat my hypothetical enemies the way he treated me.

Is He/She Gay » Question for a straight man » July 15, 2020 1:52 pm

Wow, your list is pretty conclusive. You came up with things I hadn’t thought of, and it bumped my list of “reasons to leave” up to 105. I would hope you don’t have to stay in your situation until you have years to accumulate 105 reasons... I tell myself one reason is enough to leave. I haven’t even put some things on my list, because I’m keeping it related to his gay or trans in denial side.

I think the common theme to a sudden interest in “manscaping” is that it’s usually (always?) for a reason. Did he suddenly take up swimming or cycling? If he’s not doing it for you, it’s for some other reason. My husband took my epilator and did his whole area down there and wanted me to praise him....he also told friends about it and wanted their attention. He kept praising himself, he was far more impressed and excited with himself than he ever has been when I got waxed or epilated for him. He definitely only did it for attention.

Support » When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation » July 15, 2020 1:55 am

Oh my goodness, thank you for keeping us updated troubledsoul. Today I kept thinking about you and what you’re going through and wishing there’s some way to help. You are doing a great job, just keep riding the ups and downs and observe yourself with no judgement. There are no right or wrong choices during this time.

One podcast was talking about how anger is a step up from depression, so that’s good, and plotting revenge is even better yet, because it means you’re actively planning and moving forward. Eventually (they say) we get to a place of acceptance and interest in our new life and freedom... all that to say, please don’t feel bad about any emotions you need to go through.

I wanted to say also, that I do not at all think you made mistakes by offering to go through the tradition with him, and then realizing that that would not be good for you. You were being noble and generous and selfless to offer (what a kind and loving person you are!) but it was like a person with only a jacket in freezing weather offering to give it up for someone else. Such an awesome offer, but horrifically selfish of anyone to accept it from you.

I too offered to help my husband transition, and over the years I’ve sacrificed every part of me to try to help him find happiness.  It’s too much. And he was too selfish. He took and took with no remorse, thanks or concern for my well being. Even then, he gave up trying to become his “real self” and is back in some sort of closet. Now it’s time for me to be free.

General Discussion » LGBT ... Q? » July 8, 2020 3:05 am

I think the word queer describes people who are not very strongly one or the other gender, and not necessarily attracted to just one gender. I have a friend who describes himself as queer. In the past he has dated both men and women, for him it’s more about the connection than the gender I think. But I think he also feels  both feminine and masculine sides to himself.

He’s really a wonderfulMy open and honest person, and his friendship has helped a lot as I navigate the pain and betrayal from my GIDH... I weirdly enough have a lot of LGBTQ friends, (my GIDH has always been homophobic) and they’ve all been really supportive and helpful with my questions figuring out my marriage.

Support » How do I stay secretive enough to stay safe until I can get free, with » July 6, 2020 3:38 am

Thank you Rob, I appreciate your clear thinking and good advice. 

One thing I keep thinking about is how your ex would be cruel to you but like a light switch would then be nice to the kids. I’m so scared of being like that. Of course I’m not being cruel to my GIDH, but I’m being way colder than I ever was. Friends that met me when I was still trying to make the marriage work have told me they were shocked at how sweet and obedient and considerate of him I was... so I’ve now cooled it down to a kind of roommate situation, but I’m trying to be polite and sort of friendly but not too friendly.
As much as he’s made me suffer, I don’t want to be cruel, and I especially don’t want to ruin the possibility of any sort of amicableness through the divorce.
So I’m trying to find the balance of not being cruel but not being too friendly, but it constantly feels like I’m being so mean by having boundaries. Are there any specifics that your ex did that was just terrible and something I should avoid? Or am I pretty safe from doing that since I’m still being polite, just trying to not have to sit next to him on the couch or do anything longer than a quick hug and peck when I see him (we have separate rooms.) Both of us try to do the dishes and try to back each other up on the rare occasion we have to change rules for the kids or whatever... he’s basically copying some of my supportive behavior I’ve always had towards him.

General Discussion » YouTube Music Video, It May Be Triggering » July 6, 2020 3:19 am

I’m curious... why couldn’t he get a gay sugar daddy? Was it his narcissism? My GIDH can usually get people to like him short term, he’s an extremely well hidden narc, but he can’t carry through on longer friendships/ relationships. He gets exhausted trying to pretend to be normal, and in group gatherings prefers to hang out with the kids who won’t expect adult behavior and can be easily distracted by funny videos in his phone.
My kids have no idea it’s not normal that he absolutely can’t walk past a pretty article of clothing without trying it on... as a “joke” of course.
Mine has always been and will always be in hiding because he’s terrified of his brothers. One is an angry dysfunctional punk type (hates gays and everyone else) and one is a narrow minded judgmental religious type. My GIDH was going to rocky horror every week since he was 12, but that was his only outlet. He has a story he tells people... that he liked it because he got to see the women in corsets. But he really liked to dress up AS a woman in a corset.

General Discussion » YouTube Music Video, It May Be Triggering » July 4, 2020 7:05 pm

Oh wow... now that’s just sad.
I wish I’d seen stuff like that when I was growing up. Maybe it wouldn’t have taken me 21 years to figure out, even though he’s so obviously flamboyant.  But I was too sheltered. I had only first HEARD about homosexuality just two years before I got engaged to my GIDH

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