longwayhome wrote:

I

Your post seems to indicate your husband is projecting some type of new life, that seems to exclude you. Although admitting it will make him sad not to have you there to share. Share what, his transitioning?
I think he is coming to terms with the fact that my decision to divorce will not change so he was talking about his life without me where we won't be able to even talk to each other about anything like we have done everyday for the last decade. That he fears that because of his choice, not only is the marriage over but so will be our friendship. The separate rooms, separate sleeping etc only made it more clear to him the finality of it all.

"You took a big one today. Be proud of that. Recognize the effort this is taking of you and be gentle with yourself"

Thank you for making me look at it that way. I am so absorbed by pain that I would not have recognized progress.

Making a mistake by wanting to support your spouse, even if that later turns out to be something that makes separation more painful, is not a mistake to beat yourself up over.  A clear path with no mistakes is, I'm afraid, an impossible ideal.  Maybe the best to be hoped for is that you make whatever mistakes you do make in the spirit of kindness.  

It is really hard to stop being the person who supports and the person he comes to.  It requires you to draw boundaries, change your expectations of yourself and him, and alter behaviors that are contrary to the way you've previously operated in the relationship, and to convey to him that he also must alter his behavior and expectations.  There really is no blueprint or easy, painless way to do this.  It's one reason some people decide to make a clean break as soon as is possible.  

You have been very clear to yourself and to him that you are straight.  He has decided he's a lesbian.  He would therefore like for you to be something you're not: a lesbian.  You have also been very clear to him and to yourself that this reality means you must divorce.  That's the north star you steer by; what happens as you sail will be affected by a lot of "weather," which you will weather as you're able to at the time.  The goal, though, is to plot your course by that "star."  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 13, 2020 8:45 am)

Take a breath.  Get out of the house for a while.  Walk.  If you are so desperate as to think of killing yourself call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
 
It's pretty common that by the time they come out they're deeply immersed and invested in their new persona. 

Troubled soul, Do you have a trusted friend or family member whom you could live with?  If not, please call your emergency line for help. The doctor on call may send you to a hospital for a day or two for observation.  This destruction of items in the home is very, very concerning.

I have had family who have had to do this to pull themselves out of deep pain that may have triggered a short-term fugue or psychosis. They were assigned a social worker and a therapist and a psychiatrist.

Please let us know how you are. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Oh my goodness, thank you for keeping us updated troubledsoul. Today I kept thinking about you and what you’re going through and wishing there’s some way to help. You are doing a great job, just keep riding the ups and downs and observe yourself with no judgement. There are no right or wrong choices during this time.

One podcast was talking about how anger is a step up from depression, so that’s good, and plotting revenge is even better yet, because it means you’re actively planning and moving forward. Eventually (they say) we get to a place of acceptance and interest in our new life and freedom... all that to say, please don’t feel bad about any emotions you need to go through.

I wanted to say also, that I do not at all think you made mistakes by offering to go through the tradition with him, and then realizing that that would not be good for you. You were being noble and generous and selfless to offer (what a kind and loving person you are!) but it was like a person with only a jacket in freezing weather offering to give it up for someone else. Such an awesome offer, but horrifically selfish of anyone to accept it from you.

I too offered to help my husband transition, and over the years I’ve sacrificed every part of me to try to help him find happiness.  It’s too much. And he was too selfish. He took and took with no remorse, thanks or concern for my well being. Even then, he gave up trying to become his “real self” and is back in some sort of closet. Now it’s time for me to be free.