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1 - troubledsoul
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When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
We met in school where we were both making large life changes to pursue our dreams. Fell in love so fast that we moved in together and just never looked back. We got married 5 years ago. We had been having a dead bedroom lately/ he was distant in bed, disconnected it felt like even though we were both making all kinds of efforts. We loved each other very truly and in some very challenging life situations, we stuck together and bailed each other out. There is so much love between us yet the dead bedroom was not making sense. We sought therapy and worked hard to work on all kinds of issues brought forward. We worked hard. I know he did too. I saw him make so many tough changes to make our life better - in bed and outside of it. Yet, our sex life would take 1 step forward and then 10 back. I just could not figure out what it was..until some days ago, my husband realized he is suffering with Gender Dysphoria -he has always wanted to be a woman. He said he had figured it out in the last two weeks through one on one therapy that that was the reason he had always been so uncomfortable, so hateful of himself. The memories from early childhood when he would have the first glimpse of his feelings came rushing back to him. He had repressed them in a deep dark corner, up until now because he had been shamed to do so.
He had brought the news to me as soon as he was himself out of the shock( a little) and mostly because he saw me agonize over the issues in our marriage in our couple's counseling and he saw me blame it on myself and my lacks. He wanted to spare me the pain of that so he told me that all those issues I had always been talking about like feeling disconnected with him despite our deep love for each other as humans, was because he was not ok in his own skin. Our counselor vouched for him on this - that he took the risk of telling me such grave news and so soon after his own realization only because he wanted me to not blame myself for our rocky marriage anymore.
This man had become my life. We are each other's best friends. He is my sanctuary and I know I am his. Our marriage meant so much to me. I am devastated. This is not even something I can fix in any way. I am so straight and he is attracted to girls. Needless to say, our marriage as we had envisioned is over. I can't stay and it gives me immense pain to think of leaving. It freaks me out that this love nest that i had so carefully and lovingly built with him, has been cruelly thrown apart by life, never to be put back together again. Like it never mattered...
A few days after he first told me, we were able to finally have a deep conversation together and he was showing me pictures of him that he had morphed as a woman to see what he would look like.. I had never seen such a twinkle in his eye before, i saw peace on his face and for the first time he looked at his own photo admiringly. I was so happy in that moment for my best friend going after his authentic self yet i felt deep devastation when the realization came hitting that this was my husband. That he wanted to be a woman. a woman. like me. my marriage. the family i wanted to build with him - ALL OVER. All the rejection i have faced in bed all these years that ate away at my self confidence as a woman! I blamed my own instincts for being idiotic for feeling that something was wrong. I blamed myself for having mental issues where i was concocting stories in my head to find issues in my marriage.. for years. I did all that because my man was not yet awakened to his own identity. It feels so unfair. Like i am not deserving of this pain that life has inflicted on me and I inflicted on myself.
From all that i have read in these posts, i feel when someone has angered you by hiding away their secret and keeping it away purposefully, you can feel that anger and use it as a momentum needed to make the required changes in your life. But here I am - my husband told me the second he realized. I know he loves me very deeply and he is constantly hurt by seeing me walk around the house like a zombie, crying, howling. He doesn't know if he should comfort me, but he still tries. Tried to get the therapist on phone for me.. all this time saying he wishes he could take all of this away. That he was so happy with me until he realized..
How do i deal with such much love and so much hurt at the same time. I wish i was angry at him so i could just leave and never look back. I don't know what to do, how to be or not be. What steps to take, who to tell, what to say..or not. I have kept my family away mostly but have told two of my best friends who are really supporting me. I am getting therapy and yet it feels very isolating. I am dreading the next moment as well as my future, a future without him by my side.
Can anyone help
Last edited by troubledsoul (July 12, 2020 10:03 am)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
troubledsoul,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I remember very clearly how devastated I was when my now-ex told me something similar. I remember telling a friend that my husband was going to go down a road and I couldn't follow, because it wasn't my road to walk. The pain of the loss was terrible. I wish I could tell you different, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. It will, however, get better.
I am going to give you some advice, gleaned from my own experience, which can help you avoid even more pain. I realize you'll follow it or not, given your own inclinations.
Your concern right now has to be with yourself. Not with him and his feelings and his transition. For one thing, every step he takes that makes him happier will rip your heart further. Case in point: his showing you his "morphed" photo, and being excited about it.
You need to insulate yourself from any and all such hurts, and make it clear to him that he cannot enlist you as his cheerleader or his confidante or his model for woman--and definitely not as his sex partner. I know it feels wonderful to have those deep conversations, that you feel the honesty is amazing, but the closeness you're feeling will only serve to draw you in and make it more difficult to protect yourself. Moreover, you should realize that this conversation is one-sided in that it is focused on him. Insist that he save those conversations for his therapist. And then enforce that.
At the same time take the steps you can to make it clear to both yourself and to him that you are separating from him. Don't sleep in the same bed with him, and ideally find separate living quarters. Get your own bank account, and put half your joint savings in it. Close down any joint credit cards. Men who are in the grip of feminizing can spend a lot of money, and feel entitled to do so. Visit a lawyer to begin the steps of a divorce--and don't feel you have to tell him you are doing so.
He will want to draw you into it, and for your own mental well-being you need to say no. That goes double with sex--stop sleeping in the same room with him and don't have sex (look up trauma bonding). The most damage I did to myself was to respond to my ex's request for comfort when he was afraid of how hard the transition would be, and then to be drawn into a sexual relation. Having sex with a man who is imagining himself a woman while he's with you, and who asks you to treat him as if he is a woman will gut you.
If you wish to get a little closer to accessing that anger that can help you emotionally detach...ask yourself: how much empathy did your husband display in showing you those photos of himself morphed into a woman? He clearly could not and did not put himself into your shoes, thinking how you might respond, how hurtful it would be to you, to see him transformed in that way. I remember when my then-husband came home from a therapy appointment and said, in a tone of voice that revealed he'd never considered it before and found it difficult to believe, "Trey says you're grieving!" You also might discover that once you start drawing boundaries around what you will and won't accept, he will exhibit anger of his own. Men who are transitioning become quite self-absorbed and self-centered.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 12, 2020 12:39 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
Longwayhome, empathy to the self is definitely in order! I think many of us have empathy for others but have not had much practice extending that empathy to ourselves.
About anger: I didn't mean she should unleash her anger on her husband, but to use any anger she feel, whether it's about her situation or her husband's actions, to power herself forward.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 12, 2020 1:26 pm)
- troubledsoul
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
@outofhiscloset : I take all your points seriously. I think it's sagely advice and at some levels I have just been confused whether it's better to make any of those decisions to move out, to separate money etc a little further down the road when I don't feel SO emotionally bent.
Also, he is still fresh out of the realization so he told me today that he does not even know whether he should pursue that path or if he ever would. My stance to him was clear that what he does, is his decision but his disclosure has changed things for me so they are not reversible. I will read about Trauma Bonding. I see what you are trying to warn me about there. So thank you.
I am just really afraid of my life without him but I guess i have to deal with my therapist on that.
Meanwhile, during this COVID time it feels so vulnerable to move that i am almost considering not moving till there is some settling down of this pandemic. To make the bedroom mine and living room his so we have our own private space to be in while we both continue to live in the same house.
Most of you seem to be suggesting that I am showing more consideration for him than myself.. is that really so? I guess I am so emotionally wrecked right now that I can't tell if it's really the case but point noted.
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Thread Starter- troubledsoul
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
@longwayhome How do i answer what do i want from my life? I am afraid my answers right now are just guided by this tragedy that I want this gone away.. that it never happened .. that i can find a magical fix that will let us continue our dream of growing old together. You become so intertwined with each other in a decade together that I feel like my existence without him is empty.... i know that "should not be" the case but it is..
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
Troubledsoul.....OutOfHisCloset has a wealth of experience of, advice and empathy for your situation. The most pertinent point about this is that your situation is not your husband's situation. Try to see the differences
Welcome to our Forum
Elle
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
I just typed in a long answer and somehow lost it, but I will try to recreate the gist.
"He is still fresh out of the realization so he told me today that he does not even know whether he should pursue that path or if he ever would."
This raises a red flag to me, because it suggests that your husband may try to take the route mine did, which was to decide to stay closeted, to act out his fantasy of being a woman at home, but to continue to live outside the home as a man. If so, he will want you to cooperate in keeping his secret, and the cognitive dissonance can be overwhelming.
The one thing you can count on is that although he may move incrementally, or take two steps forward and then one back, he will always be moving toward putting his ideas of himself as a woman into practice.
Please also be alert to the fact that it's easy to tell yourself that your reasons for not acting are rational and logical, but that you may be rationalizing--finding reasons not to act--but that your conclusions may be driven less by logic than your fear.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 12, 2020 3:00 pm)
- SusanneH
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
"Most of you seem to be suggesting that I am showing more consideration for him than myself.. is that really so?:
No, the good news is: you misunderstood that. Show more consideration for YOURSELF .
In the beginning, most of us feel the need to help our bi/gay spouses feel better about themselves. We women tend to be caretakers anyway. Now is the time to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
(((((HUGS))))))
Susanne
- troubledsoul
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
I moved into the bedroom with my work desk and other stuff all in it so I can have some private space in our small apartment. Mostly, so I can start being "by myself" to not shock my system..He has the other room..I am staring at the bed right now and I am engulfed by a deep sadness. It reminds me of so much we have shared. I will sleep alone today.. my husband was sad too. He said it felt very final. I feel the same way. It feels like the right thing to do but it is also breaking my heart. Why is the right stuff so freaking hard to do?
We were having dinner together and he was sharing how nervous he feels about his life without me and if he was going to transition... I stared at my food in silence and started sobbing. I had to tell him we can discuss every other thing other than this topic. I said it was impossible for me to react to this topic in any way..that he should speak to our therapist. I said If i started discussing with him how i will move on with another man after we separate, how would he feel? i think he understood but he had a little edge to him for a second... He said he doesn't know how to deal with anything without me because we have been each other's confidant, friend, guide, counsel basically the universe..so it's really tough to keep to himself about this really important decision. He said he dreads that our relationship will be over and we would have nothing left..in that he will constantly think about me and things to talk to me but that I won't be there..to actually talk to.
I feel so sad hearing all this but it gave me a gauge of what "trauma bonding" this could lead to. I guess it is exactly what you guys have been warning me about, if i have understood all your comments correctly.
It's hard to dissociate. I am struggling. Tears are not even pouring out anymore, i have cried so much. my face, my eyes.. they look terrible. When will this end? How will this end?
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Thread Starter- troubledsoul
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Re: When you cant even be angry and yet all you feel is devastation
@OutofHisCloset I think what you had predicted happened tonight. I just wrote a note on this thread but then re-read your original post to see that you had already forewarned me of instances where he would attempt to draw me in for his transition stuff. It happened and I think thanks to you, i was able to deflect and divert to therapist. I am grateful.I also must have soaked in your words more sub-consciously earlier in the day since i moved in to the bedroom and we are not in the same room anymore..I just feel really really really sad. It comes over like grief - in waves and without any warning. I am so exhausted from crying..
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Thread Starter