I've noticed a commonality in so many straight spouse stories (both here and across the bi-gay web): young children. In some cases, the women are still pregnant (!!!) when their spouses decide to drop the SSA bomb. Why do you think that is? Do you think they (the surprise, I'm not a heterosexual spouses) see it as: I've fulfilled my biological duty; now it's time to live my authentic life?
In my case, my husband dropped the bi bomb when our daughter was 3. If it weren't for her, I would have been gone the next day. But, as so many of you know, children complicate things. I just can't get over the selfishness of it all — especially with those who claim to be "bisexual" and should — theoretically — be able to live satisfied lives in opposite-sex relationships. Perhaps these are two separate topics: TGT + children & the mindscrew that is bisexuality.

Circling back to the beginning: Do you have any theories on why it's so common for men/women to "come out" after having children? 

Hi Carol,
So sorry you are going through this. I second the suggestion of seeing a counselor. This is an incredibly isolating and painful experience (akin to grieving a death IMO...only worse because you’re constantly reminded of the betrayal.) Get a counselor for yourself (not a couples counselor!)...I’d be a bit wary of any professional who dabbles in sex therapy. Some tend to minimize the betrayal and infidelity (or overly empathize with the gay spouse), which is NOT what you need right now. Allow yourself to get angry, and use that powerful emotional to push yourself out of this awful situation.

Sending you strength, peace, and clarity in the days ahead.
Love,
J

Rob wrote:

Julian,

Wow that must have been traumatizing to look on grindr...like a horror show..

Rob,
It truly was. If I'd recognized any of those "down low dads" from my neighborhood, I would definitely out them to their wives because I think it is pretty horrific what they're doing to their families...and no, I can't imagine any straight man would be on that site/app.

I am a "flaming" liberal. I'm not at all religious. I have a gay brother and loads more gay friends. I have an extremely high libido...Even still, I can never see myself wanting sex from another woman (in any context). That's not "society" or internalized homophobia....that's just me. I'm sexually and romantically attracted to men — and I think there's a pretty good chance that is never going to change. I don't think this is a gender thing (men are more "fluid" than women)...This is just the way most of us are naturally inclined.

Hi Steph. So sorry you are going through this. It's a complete mindscrew, isn't it?
You can spend the rest of your precious days trying to figure him/it out — or you can focus on creating your best life: the one where you make new friends, explore (or revisit) new hobbies, and — when you're ready — fall in love with someone who is your true partner in this next chapter. There is light at the end of this effed up tunnel. Many here have found it, and you will as well.

Wishing you love and peace in the days ahead. Post here any time you need to vent. (We all get it).

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Jonathan. I just wanted to second what Rob said: Your kids need you. I know everything seems so hopeless right now (your world's just been turned upside down), but you need to focus on yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve, but take hold of the little things that bring you joy — whether that's reading a book, watching a mindless comedy, or spending time with your children. Seeing a therapist might help...I think talking through the pain helps...even just typing things out helps me. Some therapists will do sessions over Skype even (I have no experience with this, personally, but maybe someone here does). All is not lost.

Hang in there,
J