Hi Doug,

married 9 years, three weeks in from the bomb going off.  Doug, you need to think about that.   Nine years and more before she told you.  just something like - oh excuse me, something feels wrong, and it's not you it's me, I'm still feeling so attracted to women - would make a difference.

how much does it hurt?  three weeks with no sleep says how much.

I think this might be a sort of wired in response.  I didn't stop sleeping for three weeks but I walked around and did things like putting a bed in my studio and a visit to the doctor and set myself up, all the time knowing that the point was coming when I was just going to drop and not be able to get up for a while.

So I think that's where you are at - spent three weeks setting yourself up to handle it as best you may before the shock sets in.  One of the things you have done is write a post here so I am responding. 

Having a stressful job is tough.  You need to support yourself in this.  Just do what is in front of you to do, one step at a time and give yourself a hug as often as you think of it.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Doug,
   I hate to break it to you but you are by no means the first person to come here at the stage you're in with a desire to "stand by" your spouse, and with rosy expectations of what "we" will do to make it work.  Nor are you the first person to come here with a history of pro-LGBT rights.  
  If your role eventually is to "bow out gracefully" I hope you will before that point go and visit an attorney to see what your rights in divorce are under the law, and to find out if there are things to watch out for that you don't realize might bite you in the rear later (like moving out of the house, which can be construed as "abandonment" and affect a custody agreement).  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 14, 2019 12:16 pm)

Doug42 wrote:

Doug42...Welcome to the Forum. First bit of advice; don't try and run before you can walk. Your wife hasn't just realised she's gay, she's known it for a while and has had more time to think about and get used to what it means for her, you, your children and your life together. 
Before you try to fix what's broken you need to post more to the Forum, listen to the stories and advice from those who have been there, are living it too.....and even come out the other side

Being "liberal" and enjoying the company of gay men is a 'chasm away' from having a partner whose sexual focus is not on the man she married but a person of the same gender. She may not have told you some things even though you say your communication is good

Second, and most important, piece of advice is....you need to talk to somebody. A friend, family member who will have your back, keep your confidence as you navigate these initial confusing first weeks. No trusting friends, no family you feel you can talk to? Then go see a counselor. Soon. Don't try to shoulder this alone.
 

If you already knew, then what was the bomb that went off? 

in my imagined quote she isn't making a hopeful statement and saying I'm bisexual but it's just teen-age exploration and really you are the one I love.  she is making an honest statement and saying this doesn't feel right no matter how much I want it, I really am attracted to women. 

no she left the clock to tick away (great analogy).  and I am sorry to say it but it is likely the bomb has gone off now because she has a serious girlfriend.

bisexuals come out of the closet in mid life in plentiful numbers.  bisexuals staying in the closet but having relationships outside their marriage are plentiful.  bisexuals discovering they are really straight and love their husband?  not one case that I've heard of.  ever.

fantasising about two women paying attention to you is one thing but sharing a bed with two women who are into each other?

you are being manipulated my friend.

don't believe me?  stand back and watch.  change what you do, don't fall into line, make her work to get you to do what she wants.  then you will see for yourself.

there's a reason you feel hurt.  there's a reason you feel like a bomb has gone off.

and yes, this is a common theme.  the first post is you telling your story like it is.  then it is either silence or a second post in which you are feeling more comfortable in the marriage - she is soft-soaping you.  It doesn't last.  

I feel for you, we all do, we have been there.  You're being manipulated by the very things that make you the man you are.  Your loyalty to your wife is strong and feels great, it's you, it stays with you even if you get divorced you keep your good heart - you will be okay in the long run.

Look after yourself.  wishing you all the best, Lily.



 

Last edited by lily (November 14, 2019 2:33 pm)

Doug42.....hey there How's it been, have you been logging on and checking in...reading?

One of the hardest bits about the Forum is when we get to hear things we're not ready to hear. When 
I joined I found the stories were all so much the same yet each one was so different that it was actually 
realising that learning to listen to the stories and advice of others was what strengthened and made clear 
my resolve to figure out my own path. 

I hope you're well