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December 8, 2019 10:19 pm  #1


The young child(ren) factor

I've noticed a commonality in so many straight spouse stories (both here and across the bi-gay web): young children. In some cases, the women are still pregnant (!!!) when their spouses decide to drop the SSA bomb. Why do you think that is? Do you think they (the surprise, I'm not a heterosexual spouses) see it as: I've fulfilled my biological duty; now it's time to live my authentic life?
In my case, my husband dropped the bi bomb when our daughter was 3. If it weren't for her, I would have been gone the next day. But, as so many of you know, children complicate things. I just can't get over the selfishness of it all — especially with those who claim to be "bisexual" and should — theoretically — be able to live satisfied lives in opposite-sex relationships. Perhaps these are two separate topics: TGT + children & the mindscrew that is bisexuality.

Circling back to the beginning: Do you have any theories on why it's so common for men/women to "come out" after having children? 

 

December 9, 2019 6:26 am  #2


Re: The young child(ren) factor

Good question. Here are my thoughts:

In my case, I believe that my wife was mainly in our relationship to have a child. Once she received what she was “owed” for her time invested she could more freely be the self she’d wanted to be. A little one is great cover because their arrival changes everything. Her new routines of spending all hours with friends were to benefit her, under the guise of benefitting our child. I found something she wrote to herself which said “Now that the baby is born it will be time for those in my life to support themselves”, which is a flowery way of saying I no longer owe them what I did before. “Support” was any form of care.

I personally believe that biology is heavily at play. There does seem to be a desire to run away in many relationships post kid stress, which I can imagine might be increased if you’re hiding your sexuality. In my wife’s case specifically, she was taking large amounts of Estrogen after not producing any for a half decade. This occurred with her massive behavior changes and sudden secrecy toward her close “friendships”. She was on these for two years, turning her into a completely different person. I was at fault and her secrets were her cure.

My wife also believed that with a child I’d be much less willing to leave. I never imagined I would divorce her, so she isn’t wrong. But I think this made her feel invincible, making very risky and aggressive decisions. Many almost felt like taunts to dare me to find out as her resentment of me grew.

There tends to be a genuine searching of the soul for what one wants in life after kids. This may lead many LGBTQA+ spouses to face reality more harshly as mortality becomes in focus. A realization that time is short and they should explore this side of themselves.

Kids make life busy. You make edits to your life. If you have lies, they get harder to hide. In my case, it seems my wife was actively cheating for over 10 years, but I was unaware until our child was born. Her exhaustion led to sloppy lies, which across a few more years eventually led to me finding out the truth. She was such an expert liar that without kids I’m not sure I’d ever have known.

I often hear stories of narcissistic spouses playing games of manipulation on this board around TGT. With kids in the picture the narcissist has more people to manipulate us with. Kids are the ideal pawn, because they can’t fight back. If we as partners or even codependents have problems building boundaries with ourselves, it stands to reason it might be tough for us to handle with our children as well.

But oddly enough, I found that I was much more willing to create and defend boundaries for my child. That is why I’m here...for them. I don’t want or even expect happiness for myself, but I will crawl through Hell for my little one. I grew a backbone for them.

 

December 9, 2019 3:53 pm  #3


Re: The young child(ren) factor

I’m prefacing this with why I’m here. My late ex-husband glued himself inside his closet. He was personality disordered and was violent. He harmed me instead of admitting the truth.

I noticed his stress levels/abuse increased when I requested us to have a child by artificial insemination (me trying to get around his ED “problems”) or adoption.  It’s the exclusive attention I give him disappears with a child. And he has to stay home and curtail his secret activities.

As an aside, have read divorce is least stressful for children before age 2 or as adults. They don’t remember the other parent at home or they are mature enough to realize they aren’t to blame.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

December 9, 2019 4:58 pm  #4


Re: The young child(ren) factor

MJM,
 I hope no one with children between 2 and 18 reads your post and thinks that in order to prevent harm to their children they have to stay in a soul sucking marriage to a disordered and deceptive spouse, because it's also the case that life in a dysfunctional household, in which one spouse is abusing the other, whether subtly or overtly, also does damage to a child.  Children pick up on atmosphere, they hear arguments and crying, and they learn terrible life ways that will hurt them in later relationships in their own life.
 

 

December 9, 2019 5:29 pm  #5


Re: The young child(ren) factor

I agree! Thanks for stating this and sorry for implying that one should stay together for the sake of the kids.

I was in a soul sucking marriage for 20+ years. He also messed up the possibility of me ever having children.

I don’t have the day-to-day experience with kids & this issue. Again, my apologies.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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