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October 17, 2019 8:33 pm  #1


I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

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Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (December 11, 2019 9:18 pm)

 

October 17, 2019 10:06 pm  #2


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

He'll no doubt find it easier to be vindictive to keep a space between you both and keep you on the back foot. 

Somewhere inside him there'll be a part of him, a very small piece, that doesn't want to acknowledge the pain he's caused. Vindictiveness will be the perfect cover

Your words about finding memories of happier times.....I have a catalog of them in my head. They pop up at all times of the day and night. Things/events/times I haven't thought of for years


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 18, 2019 12:57 am  #3


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

I'm so sorry OMOTF! He is being cruel to you! Do you have someone kind who would be willing to help you fill out your paperwork? Ask them. I'm sure you are used to shouldering so many of your burdens alone that you would hesitate, but do it anyway. Even if they can just sit with you while you do it, it might be of some help.

You have value! You are kind! And when you are free he will still be the same unhappy and hurtful person he has always been. You just won't be there for his abuse. He will be alone in his lies. In the absence of your goodness he will have only the rotten fruit he has cultivated. What poor company to be left with!

 

October 18, 2019 5:03 am  #4


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

OMOTF:
    In its outline, you have written the story I went through, the story we all (I suspect) go through, but with your own painful details.
    I, too, lay on the floor, arms outspread, on top of my Navajo rug with its symbols of the four directions and the central sacred mountain, breathing, breathing, trying to breathe and draw in the strength of the world, to get myself centered in the world, to try to remember how once again to, as the Navajos say, "Walk in beauty."     
    I, too, went through decades of stored memories and saved documents, and uncovered at the bottom of a filing drawer the box from the stationery we chose to have the calligrapher use for our wedding invitations--and at the bottom of that box were not only an archived hand-lettered invitation, kept "for posterity," but the wedding vows we wrote.  
  I, too, wept uncontrollably when my mind veered in an instant from the business at hand and off into the past, that now over-written past, because it simultaneously was what it was (and that's how we lived it), but wasn't what it seemed (and that's what we see now), and the part that "was what it was" was actually something, we now realize, seeing with our newly opened eyes, quite other than we had seen it as then when we were living it.  
   The pain of ripping a decades long marriage apart is compounded by the cruelty inflicted on us by the lies and secrets of the past, and, both then and now, the words and deeds of those locked in the closet of their denial.  And yes, when we stand up for ourselves and indicate we are no longer manipulable or willing ourselves into compliance, when we discard that training, we become in their eyes their adversary, because we no longer serve their purpose, and they drop the mask and hurt us in this new way.
   You are right in the middle of such a painful stage of uncoupling.  So much grief and processing at the very time we must fight for our futures (and for our children, too)!
  Whirligig's question--is there someone who can sit with you while you fill out the paperwork, or help you do so?--is so full of wisdom and caring.  
   Beckett wasn't much for sunny optimism, but "I can't go on; I'll go on" is in its own dark way useful, if not exactly inspirational. 
   You write whenever you need to and can, OMOTF.  And "keep on, keepin' on." (Curtis Mayfield)
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 18, 2019 5:09 am)

 

October 18, 2019 6:53 am  #5


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

OMOTF,
   I want to add this: Now that you're no longer compliant, no longer doing his work for him by internalizing his subtle and not so subtle devaluation, you are seeing him with the mask removed.  His actions and words now are designed to beat you down into accepting the terms of the divorce as he wants them to be.  He wants no consequences for his actions, and he wants what he wants, and he thinks he's entitled to it, just as he believed he was entitled to do what he did all those years. 
   I trust that your lawyer has made clear to you what the law says you are entitled to, and I hope you can hold fast to that, and to the fact that the law doesn't care what he thinks he's entitled to.  One of the hardest things I did in my divorce--which was itself the hardest thing I've ever done in my life--was to confront my then-husband during that process, and tell him that I had since learned that the agreement I'd agreed to in principle was not in the eyes of the law an equitable distribution of marital property, and I wanted more.  He blew up!  But I knew that I had the weight of the law on my side, and I insisted, because I knew, and told my then-husband, that I was actually entitled to more than I was asking him for.  (I had made a strategic calculation of what he would be willing to concede and what he would be likely to get a lawyer to contest.)  Standing up for myself in that way was a huge boost to my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 18, 2019 6:54 am)

 

October 18, 2019 11:14 pm  #6


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

OMOTF,

I used to cry all the time.. Tears streaming down my face as I sat in the bank opening my own checking account,  hands shaking as I signed every paper in my lawyers office..my cheating GX raging and throwing things at me at home..because I stood up a tiny bit for myself by saying "no I will not do this".

You are not breaking up the marriage..it is pomp and circumstance...these spouses broke up the marriage long ago with their actions..  Their actions carry consequences and they will rage at us as they cannot accept any consequences or repercussions.

Also a true narcissist will store our words to use against us at a later time...they have a bank they store it in..   That word you said to them 20 years ago that you said you were sorry for..no they never accepted that apology and forgave you..they banked it and carried it..

Deep in your bones you know what is true and right and moral.  And you can see the anger and rage as he tries to negate moral reality. 

Crying is ok, you are surrounded by triggers and stress..but if it is debilitating seek medical help...antidepresants can help you navigate and cope through this season..know that is not forever..
Know that you did not cause this and are merely doing what needs to be done..

A sincere ehug and prayer.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 18, 2019 11:15 pm  #7


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

OMOTF-
I feel your struggles reading your posts.  I’ve been through this recently with similarities, although with my own details. You are so right about the difficulties of even so much as getting the required paperwork completed to get this to finality. I would have to take one day at a time, even one small goal at a time to get this done. It seemed like it would never end, and we do have these memories that continue, but the peace & freedom feels so great when the legal ties are over. Mine too plays victim, telling so many lies to try to make himself look better in the eyes of friends/family/community.

It is a struggle that I doubt will ever completely be gone, but it does improve with time.  And a weight is lifted with finalization of divorce from someone who intentionally lied & misled us for many, many years. 

If anyone here is from DFW area PM me. I hope things move smooth & quickly for you.

All the best!

 

October 22, 2019 12:43 pm  #8


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

Dear OMOTF, 

Take comfort in the fact that his opinion is warped and his comments are only projections of his lack of value. Don't let them in!  And do fight your corner as best you can.  I caved in and trusted my GIDX, now I see what he said and did was all to serve his interests.  I was still being compliant at that stage hoping to make it 'better' so we could have an 'amicable' divorce.  Now I see the manipulations and the play acting of his outrage and abusive words that always put me on the back foot.  

I wish I could come over and help you!  It is hard to reach out for help, but Whirligig is right.  Surely in your community you can find some support?  I look back and wish I had been able to reach out honestly to a few trusted friends to ask for more help when I was struggling.  People do want to help, but I know when you are so vulnerable it is tough. 

Sending you so much strength and ehugs!  

Lxx 

 

October 22, 2019 9:29 pm  #9


Re: I can't go on; I'll go on. (Samuel Beckett)

I woke up in the middle of the night and read this and cried my eyes out. I hadn't had a good cry in a while, but what you'd written really opened the floodgates because I know that I, too, may be filling out that form one day...and feeling the tremendous weight of those questions. The feeling of mourning an unreliable past & a future that will never be really resonated with me....The good memories and the bad (all of those times I'd think "Does this guy even like me?") are constantly battling one another. I would not wish this pain on anyone.

I think it is especially cruel that so many of our spouses force us to be the ones to leave....in the midst of all of the mindf**kery, shock, and absolute confusion, we're suddenly put in the driver's seat to make (in many cases) the most difficult decision of our lives. 

OMOTF, I'm so sorry you're here in this club that none of us ever wanted to have to find — but I'm grateful for your support, your words, your wisdom & your kindness, which you give in abundance to everyone here.

You must go on — You'll go on.
<3

Last edited by Julian_Stone (October 22, 2019 9:31 pm)

 

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