He'll no doubt find it easier to be vindictive to keep a space between you both and keep you on the back foot. 

Somewhere inside him there'll be a part of him, a very small piece, that doesn't want to acknowledge the pain he's caused. Vindictiveness will be the perfect cover

Your words about finding memories of happier times.....I have a catalog of them in my head. They pop up at all times of the day and night. Things/events/times I haven't thought of for years

OMOTF:
    In its outline, you have written the story I went through, the story we all (I suspect) go through, but with your own painful details.
    I, too, lay on the floor, arms outspread, on top of my Navajo rug with its symbols of the four directions and the central sacred mountain, breathing, breathing, trying to breathe and draw in the strength of the world, to get myself centered in the world, to try to remember how once again to, as the Navajos say, "Walk in beauty."     
    I, too, went through decades of stored memories and saved documents, and uncovered at the bottom of a filing drawer the box from the stationery we chose to have the calligrapher use for our wedding invitations--and at the bottom of that box were not only an archived hand-lettered invitation, kept "for posterity," but the wedding vows we wrote.  
  I, too, wept uncontrollably when my mind veered in an instant from the business at hand and off into the past, that now over-written past, because it simultaneously was what it was (and that's how we lived it), but wasn't what it seemed (and that's what we see now), and the part that "was what it was" was actually something, we now realize, seeing with our newly opened eyes, quite other than we had seen it as then when we were living it.  
   The pain of ripping a decades long marriage apart is compounded by the cruelty inflicted on us by the lies and secrets of the past, and, both then and now, the words and deeds of those locked in the closet of their denial.  And yes, when we stand up for ourselves and indicate we are no longer manipulable or willing ourselves into compliance, when we discard that training, we become in their eyes their adversary, because we no longer serve their purpose, and they drop the mask and hurt us in this new way.
   You are right in the middle of such a painful stage of uncoupling.  So much grief and processing at the very time we must fight for our futures (and for our children, too)!
  Whirligig's question--is there someone who can sit with you while you fill out the paperwork, or help you do so?--is so full of wisdom and caring.  
   Beckett wasn't much for sunny optimism, but "I can't go on; I'll go on" is in its own dark way useful, if not exactly inspirational. 
   You write whenever you need to and can, OMOTF.  And "keep on, keepin' on." (Curtis Mayfield)
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 18, 2019 5:09 am)

OMOTF,

I used to cry all the time.. Tears streaming down my face as I sat in the bank opening my own checking account,  hands shaking as I signed every paper in my lawyers office..my cheating GX raging and throwing things at me at home..because I stood up a tiny bit for myself by saying "no I will not do this".

You are not breaking up the marriage..it is pomp and circumstance...these spouses broke up the marriage long ago with their actions..  Their actions carry consequences and they will rage at us as they cannot accept any consequences or repercussions.

Also a true narcissist will store our words to use against us at a later time...they have a bank they store it in..   That word you said to them 20 years ago that you said you were sorry for..no they never accepted that apology and forgave you..they banked it and carried it..

Deep in your bones you know what is true and right and moral.  And you can see the anger and rage as he tries to negate moral reality. 

Crying is ok, you are surrounded by triggers and stress..but if it is debilitating seek medical help...antidepresants can help you navigate and cope through this season..know that is not forever..
Know that you did not cause this and are merely doing what needs to be done..

A sincere ehug and prayer.

Dear OMOTF, 

Take comfort in the fact that his opinion is warped and his comments are only projections of his lack of value. Don't let them in!  And do fight your corner as best you can.  I caved in and trusted my GIDX, now I see what he said and did was all to serve his interests.  I was still being compliant at that stage hoping to make it 'better' so we could have an 'amicable' divorce.  Now I see the manipulations and the play acting of his outrage and abusive words that always put me on the back foot.  

I wish I could come over and help you!  It is hard to reach out for help, but Whirligig is right.  Surely in your community you can find some support?  I look back and wish I had been able to reach out honestly to a few trusted friends to ask for more help when I was struggling.  People do want to help, but I know when you are so vulnerable it is tough. 

Sending you so much strength and ehugs!  

Lxx