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1 of 1- Sad and Confused
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5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
Hi everyone,
This is my first post as I'm pretty fresh to the scene. The basic shape of our story is that we have been together for six years and married for 1.5. We recently bought a house together and I am pregnant with our first child. A few months ago my husband started engaging in an emotional affair with a bisexual woman at work who it 10 years his junior. This was surprising for me as we have historically had a very strong, trusting relationship and the betrayal of trust completely blindsided me. One of the things that bonded them together was that my husband was able to fully acknowledge his bisexuality in this relationship, something he was afraid to talk with directly about me (we had talked around it a few times, but never head on). It has been a very tumultuous few months since then, with added stress due to wanting to protect the pregnancy and feel settled before the baby arrives. To further complicate things, it appears that he considers himself someone who needs multiple intimate relationships (not just sexual but emotional as well) to be truly happy. He will not say this directly but he continues to drop breadcrumbs in this direction. My husband has been unrecognizably selfish and almost narcissistic through the process, very focused on "living as his true self" and "not hiding anymore" while at the same time acting and saying things that are very hurtful to me and generally having a lot of trouble acknowledging my hurt and other emotions. I feel really angry that this self-discovery has come up in exactly the moment I am most vulnerable and dependent on our relationship (this does not seem coincidental!!).
My husband has been the love of my life and I was truly fulfilled in the relationship before recent months and I'm really not sure if I should stay and try to understand this all with him, or just cut ties and run. It seems unimaginable to leave a relationship that created so much joy for both of us for many years and we both desperately want to stay in it, but are arguing constantly. I can't ever see myself being happy in a poly relationship and it seems like that is ultimately what he would "need" - is it crazy to stay in it and keep trying to understand and make it work somehow?
Thanks in advance for any insights.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: 5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
Whatever his sexuality your husband is a garden variety cheater, and I strongly recommend you head yourself over to ChumpLady.com and get a dose of her straightforward talk.
You deserve much more than upheaval, upset, hurt, and the necessity of having to minister while pregnant to a man who if he was unhappy and hiding his "true self" had a chance to come clean and divorce before acting on his urges.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 8, 2019 2:15 pm)
- Abby
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Re: 5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
Right now you need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy. Do not let your present vulnerability lead you into opening your marriage to others no matter how much he wants to. If this is not what you want you do not have to accept it.
Your husband does not have a right to be present when you give birth and your doctor will not want anyone with you who will cause you stress. Do you have a mother, sister or friend who has given birth and would be willing and able to help you stay calm and focused? Confide in them and your doctor and develop birth plans that do not include him. Can he temporarily move out?
If you decide that a husband juggling romantic partners while you juggle childcare is not the future you want consult an attorney to find out what the laws are where you live. Another tip, if you nurse your baby it will be a plus for you should you separate and custody and partial custody are being settled.
My children were grown when my marriage finally collapsed. Hopefully others who are younger can offer more useful guidance.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: 5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
You seem like such a kind person, and I’m so very sorry you’re going through this — pregnant, yet! I got pretty angry at your husband just reading this. He is being so incredibly selfish & you and your child deserve so much better than this. Take care of yourself & please don’t agree to anything you are uncomfortable with.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 8, 2019 9:33 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
Sad and Confused wrote:
...Thanks in advance for any insights.
Your husband wants you to accept how he wants to live? Wants you to accept that it's his right to 'be' with other people? And that he can use other people as a soundingboard?
If this is what you DON'T want.....tell him now. It will get harder and more painful for you the longer you leave telling him this is not how you wish your life to be.
Elle xx
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 5 Months Pregnancy, husband is bisexual (and poly??)
.......My husband has been unrecognizably selfish and almost narcissistic through the process, very focused on "living as his true self" and "not hiding anymore" while at the same time acting and saying things that are very hurtful to me and generally having a lot of trouble acknowledging my hurt and other emotions......
I had to rush yesterday and want to say....should have said....more. My partner expressed a need for "more"....the prior few years we'd had an open r'ship which I see now was him exploring and 'readying' me for him wanting more. He once said to me "I'm a 50 year old man, I should be able to do what I want" There was a 3 month period when I can describe my partner exactly how you describe your husbands coldness
There were many arguments/tears/regret but I was adamant I did not want THAT in my life ever. So I told him I would never agree to him what I believe would be cheating. We're still together, he's said he'll stuff it all down (those desires) but we're left in a vacuum of mistrust and unspoken resentment. Apart from this one mindfuck of an aspect of our 35 years together....we have a good life, our children are adults...but I knew I had to take steps to protect my future. I've seen a counselor, and I think couples counselling is a benefit only when one person in the r'ship isn't keeping secrets.
I've also seen a lawyer.
You have the added emotional/hormonal concern of your pregnancy and while that takes priority your needs are as important and you need to confide in somebody other than your husband.
Keep reading the Forum and posting, and think about who you can talk to, somebody who will keep your confidence as you sort out the Mindfuck
KIA KAHA