Hi everyone. This is my first post here. Just last night my husband told me he thinks he is gay. I don't think I've ever experienced so many feelings simultaneously and I could really use any and all support and guidance. This might be a long post but I just need to unload all this.

In late May of this year I mentioned to my husband that I noticed a distance between us, a change in his affection and regard for me. He ended up confessing that he was very confused about our relationship and was unsure whether or not he was in love with me. He told me he hadn't considered leaving and wanted to work on things.

We started couples counseling. He got his own individual therapist, and also started seeing a psychiatrist again. He has trauma history; physical, emotional and sexual. He has a few mental health issues as a result, but hadn't taken medication for years because he'd been over prescribed and hated the zombie like feeling. Long story short, therapy seemed helpful, his new meds (upped very slowly as to not have him have the experience he'd had the first time around) also seemed helpful. We both sort of agreed things were improving in our relationship.

He said he was still questioning being "in love." I chalked it up to confusion due to his mental health issues, especially because in many regards we had a great relationship. I should mention as well. Sex had stopped. He said his anxiety was causing him to overthink things and he was very afraid to have sex with me. He said the sexual attraction was still there.

Fast forward to last night. He had an appointment with his therapist. When he got home I asked him how it went. I noticed he immediately looked panicked. Apparently in their session, for the first time ever he expressed to someone that he was feeling more sexually attracted to men than women. This wasn't too surprising to me. He'd always been fairly sexually open and I knew he'd had a few third base bisexual experiences. But then he said he thought he was gay. My first reaction was non-belief. For several years we had a very good sex-life that we both said was satisfying. I asked how he could be sexually attracted to me if he were gay? He said maybe he was bi. However, he did say currently his sexual attraction to me was few and far between and his daily sexual thoughts were about men.

At first he said he didn't know what to do. Stay with me or leave. But as the conversation progressed, he confessed that he thought he'd be better suited to a man and wanted a life with a man. No particular one. But that's what he wants. He wants to leave. 

So I guess I'm confused? How can he express loving me as a person, feeling an intimate connection with me, having at least some sexual attraction to me but he's willing to throw out our marriage? I'm angry and I don't want to be. He deserves to be who he is, but what about the life we built? I would never want to make the coming out process more difficult for someone who has clearly struggled for a long time, but WHAT THE HELL. I have spent years of my life trying to be supportive and helpful and understanding, not only because that's what a wife does but because he has had a difficult life. But what about me? When do I get to tell him how angry I am, how used I feel, how taken advantage of I feel?

After one conversation with his therapist and one conversation with me he is suddenly sure in all this? I can't make sense of it. And I think I'm grasping at straws because I'm devastated. I don't know if he would have said it if he weren't sure. He cried more then I did and told me how he didn't want to hurt me. But I am hurt and I don't want to have to hide it to make him feel better. But at the same time I do want to make him feel better. He is probably just as scared as I am right now.

I don't know what more to say, honestly. He's moved into our spare bedroom and after a few months of getting finances organized he will get his own place. And he gets to go get a brand new life. Meanwhile, I'm just the older, grayer, fatter woman I was when we met, no family besides the one I gained with him and his parents/siblings, a dog that has cancer, and friends that live hours away.  What a whiny, self-pitying last paragraph. But I'm gonna tell myself I deserve at least that right now.