Hey Dashu, I'm so sorry to hear your pain. I think I may have been one of the Redditors that replied to you.

It is normal for straight men to feel emasculated and feminized when we find out our partners are more attracted to woman than to us. Many of us feel like we were used, just a prop in their quest to be "normal" in the eyes of their community. Why would they choose to be with us if they really wanted a woman? Were we a "close enough" option for them? Was it something about us that made them choose to turn away from men, and run into the arms of women? Were all those fights really just a series of attacks on my manliness?

These thoughts are normal, but they are also false and unhealthy. I urge you to not let them eat you up. The simple fact that you did not choose to leave the relationship at the first sign of trouble tells me that you are a strong, quality man.

You are not weak. You are in a moment of internal pain and self-doubt, and probably trying to hide your pain from those around you. Find some close friends or family to confide in, and let them build you up. Even superheroes need somebody to believe in them, and remind them who they are, from time to time. We are only human.

For your own self-care, continue to do what you are doing. You are a good person, and I encourage you to nurture those qualities through counseling and physical activity. If you have not already started building a new skill or putting time into a hobby, I would encourage you to do that as well. 

You don't have to continue to invest emotion into a person that will never return them in the way that you need. Save those emotions for yourself, until you find somebody worthy of them. 

Hang strong, friend. We are all on your side.
 

Kate,
The struggle is real. I have watched my wife's eyes appreciate women in a way that they have never done for me, or any other man that I am aware of. She checks them out the exact same way I do. It's kinda funny to me, in a way. I always wished we had found a way to have some fun with this similarity in our tastes.

You might be feeling that his attraction to other people detracts from his attraction to you, and that is a fair and valid feeling. You are becoming hyper-aware of his gazing and commentary (as I also became) and just now noticing things that were probably there all along. But that doesn't mean that you are any less beautiful or loveable than you would be if his eyes were focused only on you. 

You'll never be able to control his attractions, but you can choose how they affect you. If you choose to stay in the relationship, I hope you can find a place somewhere between "tolerance" and "enjoyment". After all, you seem to have a common interest--maybe you can even have some fun with it (watching Mr. Universe together?).

If you don't see a path where you can accept this as a normal, even enjoyable, part of your marriage, then it's hard for me to see how you can be in a different emotional place than you are today. It's a weird place to be in, and I'm still there myself. I haven't yet found the guidebook to tell us what the right answer is.
 

doc,
It's coming up on the end of the week. You have been mighty quiet. I sincerely hope you are OK. If you have been keeping your head down and avoiding thinking about all this, we completely understand. But we also want you to know that you don't have to remain in a place of anxiety about your past, present, and future. I hope you come to a place where you can engage this community shortly after your wife returns. I have no doubt that you will have some pain, especially as you see her newfound joy that doesn't include you. We have been there. Some of us are still there. We share one another's burdens here.

We are looking forward to your return, buddy.
 

Former cheater here, albeit a heterosexual one.

My own experience was that I used every trick in the book to justify my behavior to myself and override the guilt of living with the secret. I definitely adopted the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude. I did not see until later that the closet I was living in had effects on the family that I was unable to see.

I came clean and went through the rounds of therapy and support groups. But that did little to address the underlying issues in the marriage that made infidelity seem like a good idea in the first place. I can tell you from personal experience that the temptation is always there: it's as attractive an escape from this miserable reality as any drug, alcohol, gambling, or other addictive/compulsive behavior.

A homosexual/bisexual cheater has 2 closets they are hiding inside: one for their orientation, and one for their extracurricular activities. I completely understand the self-justification and search for approval. To me, the fact that he is trying to justify it to you as a positive experience is an indication that he truly believes it was a good thing for him, for the marriage. 

If you choose to stay in such a relationship, know that you will face 2 battles on a daily basis: (1) the knowledge that he has strong desires that you will never be able to meet, and (2) he knows exactly how he can get them met with or without your approval. On his strongest days, where he feels the most committed and connected to you, he may be able to suppress them. On his weakest days, where he feels disconnected or resentful of marrying you, his mind will go right back to the memories of his days of exploring and getting the satisfaction he could never get from you.

I'm very unqualified to give you any advice one way or the other, but I think I can verbalize what might be going through his head. I don't doubt that he loves you and is mentally willing to commit to living out his days with you, perhaps even faithful

PJ wrote:

When she says "doesn't want to give you ammo", what she is displaying here is her own homophobia that lies at the root of the deceit.

100%. Mine continuously uses the phrase "You're just building a case against me". If that is so, it has been a case 20 years in the making, based on 20 years of evidence, and I only recently realized this summer that there was a case at all. Late to the GID party I guess.

I hope that we are a generation away from homophobia being completely eradicated, that people can feel empowered to be honest about their attractions early in life, even if married or a committed relationship. It sure would cause less pain.

Sadly, I feel that religious communities will be the last to adopt this posture. I think religion makes it twice as hard: harder for the GID spouse to address their true self, and harder for the straight spouse to do something about it.

I'm overcome by loneliness today. Apologies for coming off as ranting.