Hi all,
       Just found this site and podcast today. I have no suspected my man of 20 plus yrs, it was my dr, who did an hour long session with him over his health and depression, she has worked with me for a few yrs and knows some of the issues with my marriage. Well after she say him and I was present, my next time she said "Have you questioned his sexuality?"

I have never, also have never had anyone say anything before, nor my spouse. She referred me to a counselor to talk to and said they both see this often and deal with it. She said hes so depressed and hates himself and there is something buried very deep and she cant say thats it 100% but with everything I have shared and her observations she wanted me to think on this.

Some history.

Dated him in my 20s after coming out of an abusive marriage, that first night together, he didnt come onto me at all, I wanted him badly, he offered to sleep on the floor, said he was a gentleman, I asked him to get in the bed after an hour, and he faced the wall. It took hours to get him to pick up on me sexually, we did end up having sex and it was good. And we have pretty much been together since, we dated long distance for 3 yrs, so I saw him once or twice a wk for a night, and sex seemed to be okay because we were excited to see one another but we really only had our relationship on the phone. He hasnt been one to be turned on by me giving him a look, a seductive touch, an outfit. I havent really felt desired in the relationship. No oral sex, not him wanting it or to perform it, it happened maybe 3 times with either of us for almost 20 yrs. I did miss and desire it and I really felt like he didnt 'like me" or was grossed out by it, but he said that wasnt the case? He did grow up watching porn since he was about 8 but has never said it was gay porn, he likes dominating women. We went through a long stretch of him not really wanting sex, other then once every other wk because I was practically desperate for it, it lasted about 15 min, same way, same place, and I always wished for longer sessions. During that time he had a lot of anger, once pushed me off him during sex, very angrily and I was all confused and hurt as I was in the throws of passion,I asked what was wrong and hed say "IM broken!" he had a big obsession with his "D" not being big enough not being hard enough, not lasting long enough, constantly negative talk about himself. He went to a dr and did T shots for about a yr and i didnt notice any difference. He rarely wanted to kiss, make out, I couldnt drive him crazy by walking by naked. He likes long socks, thats all I do know. I went with him to the hormone Dr and he said "She will be the one to notice if its working" and I said there was no change and the Dr said "Then it could also be depression" He is also Aspie and I really just thought hes aesexual. He has taken viagra, cialis, gets those things but hasnt hidden them, hes used pumps, had the shock wave, says he has "Venous insufficiency?" but then my dr said "He doesnt see drs, how does he know, how did that get diagnosed" and he told me he had chalmydia before we dated and had to call a couple female partners and get treatment. Said there has only been women. We talk openly, I have read sex and kink quizzes and we have asked if we have had thoughts of the other sex, etc, he said no. A few yrs ago I started hormone therapy for myself, not for libido, Im more like the guy in the relationship with my drive and desire. My drive got really strong and even worse and it was hard to deal with, we read lots of sex books "She comes first" and "My secret garden" and he said he didnt have any desire for sex, he just didnt care. But now in the last yr and a half? He got back on Testosterone, we tried edibles, we started to have sex more and spend longer periods for the first time in 20 yrs and I thought things were great now! I entertained pegging with him and went some rounds with that and anal play and he really loves and enjoys it, but after a bit I started to feel ick about it and grossed out and told him I didnt want to do it anymore. He doesnt have interest in meeting my fantasies, still is iffy on oral sex, I started to learn and perform more and he said "Its not really my thing" and has even asked me to stop during it before, and sometimes its okay, now Ive lost all desire to try anymore. I travel often, have asked him to go on cam, have phone or cam sex with me he said hes never done it before??? IM all really? I have fewer sexual partners then him and I had experience and we met on AOL. I would make sexually suggestive comments via phone and he would say "Well im heading to bed" hes been depressed all his life, kind of an angry demeanor. Hes not really connecting it feels with me like "Being made love too" but he is into pleasuring me? So some of its conflicting, he likes breasts, but I dont feel made love to, connected with emotionally. Its all Pleasure, but its like something is missing. He has been masturbating more, i wont do it anymore, he douches, he has anal toys, but its not when Im around. In 20 yrs I havent really met any friends of his, its mostly people he works with, he works at home now and has for yrs, hes hardly gone, but I travel, hes always home. But when I travel? He hardly calls me, like the first 3 days its like I dont exsist, and we can go 2-3 days and no calls and only talk for 5 min, and Ive never wanted it that way, have asked for more. Have asked to be tied up, sexual play all of that. He knows how to make me orgasm, he know wants sex on a weekly average and this has just been in the last yr and a half, so I thought we were turning a corner. As of recent, hes had some health stuff, first one blood in his urine after some events away from home (shooting guns with guys) got into the clinic, had a bladder infection and antibiotics, then a Strep B showed on the next culture. I also tested at my last pap for Urea Plasma, but then the stats say it could just be an imbalance in body bacteria. We had to both do antibiotics. My Dr asked me if I have UTI's, I said no, not really but back when things were really bad between us, I had them repeatedly and even asked my dr why? I was having my yrly exams and tests, and I always made sure we had sex the day before I left for trips, and the UTI would be set off right away.

Im not sure what to think the counselor said at this point its speculation, but urged to try and get him into counseling, he did say it was depression and that he was "broken" as his excuse for most of the marriage, or he was too full after dinner for sex, he was tired, its a work night, I couldnt initiate sex after he fell asleep ever, he had so much control over when it could happen. Now it seems he just can connect to me well if hes had edibles... which I stopped doing mos ago because I want to fully be present....

Sigh, any comments, questions? I had a talk with him tonight about the last time he was tested, and did he do it before we got together, I didnt know? He said yeah before we started dating, and he hasnt felt the need as he says he hasnt been with anyone else.