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1 - M-Kate
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cheating
I've just had another intense conversation with my bisexual husband (of 29 years). Apparently, he really doesn't consider his sexual experience with a man 10 years ago "cheating" or "deceitful". He looks at it as a positive experience that he needed since he had suppressed his homosexual desires for so long. It was all part of his sexual journey and not meant to hurt me. I'm trying to empathize, but I believe that it was indeed cheating. Perhaps it doesn't matter, but is this attitude typical?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: cheating
I think bisexual men, by their very nature, can separate who they really are from what you, as their significant other, think they are.
A. would say to me "but it's a man....that's different" because he's wired differently (if only I knew then what I now know and could understand the consequences!) but I have realised I had to go through all this hurt and confusion...
...learning about who he really was....to emerge from it knowing more about my own self, my own strength.
It doesn't matter that your husband doesn't think it's cheating, because a cheater never likes admitting it so forget the empathy.....believe in yourself, your values, because in the end you have to live with your choices.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: cheating
sorry but I think just the fact that he can say that means he is not being honest in his conversation with you, is whitewashing his infidelity and subtly making you feel guilty for creating the situation. And also he says he had been suppressing his homosexual desires so it begs the question has he gone back to suppressing his homosexual desires ever since?
- Blue Bear
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Re: cheating
I'm assuming you didn't ok your husband having extramarital gay sex when you got married, so no wonder you have having difficulty trying to empathize. And guess what? You don't have to empathize with selfish behavior that is incompatible with your vision of a healthy marriage.
Cheaters are ridiculous when it comes to justifying their selfish behaviors. Don't take this the wrong way, but his ultimate disrespect of you is that he thinks you might be stupid enough to look past his extramarital gay sex as a "positive experience" (um, it certainly wasn't a "positive experience" for YOU) that was part of his "sexual journey" (sorry, but wasn't that journey supposed to end on the wedding altar?).
And the fact that his extramarital gay sex was "not meant to hurt" you? Well, what exactly was it meant to do to you? Make you feel good about yourself and build up your self worth?
Cheaters are all the same -- full of garbage.
- Blackie563
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Re: cheating
What Blue Bear said, full stop. Agreed. The disrespect is so bad it is actually appalling.
- Marta.m
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Re: cheating
M-Kate wrote:
Apparently, he really doesn't consider his sexual experience with a man 10 years ago "cheating" or "deceitful".
Hi M-Kate, it happened exactly the same with me. When I found out that my husband (of 33 years) had had sexual experiences with men, he told me that he didn’t consider it as cheating. On the contrary, he wanted to clarify this side of his sexuality that had been hidden till then, so that he could move forward with me. So in a way, it was as if I should be grateful for his efforts LOL.
I believe that this was the story that he told to himself in order to feel less guilty. It was not, of course, the way I interpreted his behavior. And with this, it started for me the horrible nightmare that most of the people in this forum know very well about.
But the worse of all was his change of behavior towards me, which was in the first place the cause of me searching his laptop for answers (and finding them). From the moment he cheated, he started acting differently with me, detached, absent, cold. Totally different from before, when we had for decades an incredible and fulfilling relationship. And he was also willing to try more, with different men, in different ways… That finally unbalanced our relationship completely, and that was it.
So my advice would be, evaluate the balance, is there anything in your relationship worth fighting for? Are you willing to? Are you capable of doing it without putting your physical and mental health at risk?
Take care, be kind to yourself.
- Rob
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Re: cheating
I think they say that to make themselves feel better. Because deep in their bones they know what they did is wrong. Over and over they will tell themselves even untrue things about us so as to make what they did ok. Get their lover to join in and now they have no problem hurting us..the ones they promised to love till death.
Best to get away from such morally broken people. If they can break their vows and promises before God..what are their words and actions worth? What stress to think at any unknown time, even our death bed, they could still abandon us.
Wishing everyone a blessed and peaceful holiday...full of strength and fierce fortitude.
Last edited by Rob (November 23, 2023 9:42 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- M-Kate
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Re: cheating
Yes, he says that he thought it best to keep that part of his life "separate" so that it wouldn't hurt me, but clearly he didn't want my finding out to hurt him. He really doesn't see that his actions were dishonorable.
It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I sometimes wish that I could be more objective about the whole thing. I tend to interrogate him over and over. I think I do it because I'm trying to understand his "journey" so that I could perhaps "accept" it.
I depend on him so much and I've been with him for so long. He doesn't want a divorce and is acting committed to me and our marriage. He's been on his best behavior. We've discussed that our marriage is now more honest. I think that I should hang in there and re-evaluate in the future. I hope that one day I won't obsess about his sexuality and infidelity constantly.
Last edited by M-Kate (November 23, 2023 12:31 pm)
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: cheating
My comments in red
..... I sometimes wish that I could be more objective about the whole thing. I tend to interrogate him over and over. I think I do it because I'm trying to understand his "journey" so that I could perhaps "accept" it. and why should you accept something you feel is wrong for you M-Kate? Is this honestly something you want to accept?
Do you interrogate to understand? or do you interrogate hoping he'll suddenly realise his mistakes and beg for forgiveness and immediately attempt to prove to you that he loves you truly and he's so sorry he hurt you? Can you ever ever see that happening?
I depend on him so much and I've been with him for so long. He doesn't want a divorce and is acting committed to me and our marriage. He's been on his best behavior. We've discussed that our marriage is now more honest. I think that I should hang in there and re-evaluate in the future. I hope that one day I won't obsess about his sexuality and infidelity constantly. No no....keep on obsessing. It's the only way to get through this, but if you keep the obsession balanced with the resentment you feel at what he's done there's a good chance the discontentment with what's happening will overtake your obsession and allow you space to see things clearly enough that you can finally see you can breakaway from the co-dependent r'ship you are in. There will be a day when obsessing over this won't be necessary because even though you may still be with him...you will have broken away from his hold on you. Be strong M-Kate
Elle
Remember it's a marathon not a sprint. You have to work on you not him.
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 23, 2023 2:29 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Blue Bear
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Re: cheating
Just gonna be blunt. Don’t you think you deserve someone who doesn’t make you doubt yourself, lie to “protect” you, cheat on you, and make you go crazy like this?
This sounds more like abuse than something you should wait in vain to get better. Having been there and struggled myself, I assure you that this is as good as it’s going to get.