OurPath Open Forum
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1 - Josephine
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I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
The more I think about this the more angry I get! How do I get rid of the anger? I know in my heart that my Husband did not do this to hurt me. He did it because he wanted to have a "normal" life with children and a wife that loved him. But he couldn't commit his passion to us, he could only love us to a degree! He couldn't commit to loving us as his final love! He couldn't commit to our family his body! His lifelong loyalty! How did he reconcile the the love that was required to be a FATHER AND HUSBAND? I despise his half-hearted attempt to love us as he should have! I hate to find the. lack of love as his final legacy! It is the awful result of the hiding who he was! Who hates himself more? Me or him?
- LonelyDude
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
Josephine wrote:
Who hates himself more? Me or him?
As a man that hid in his own closet of infidelity for years, my guess is that he hated himself far worse than you are capable of. At least that is what I experienced, and continue to experience. Shame and guilt devoured his soul.
He chose you as his partner-in-hiding because he found some qualities in you that he wanted in his life. In some way, you complemented him. A person would not enter a long-term relationship with somebody they do not find some compatibility with.
He knows that he hurt you. If he was a true psychopath, he probably did not care. If he was not a psychopath, he probably carried shame and guilt for what he did to you. He may not have shown it (some of us men are notorious for burying our feelings), but I imagine that it was there.
You are right to be angry and resentful. He lied to you. You hate him for it, and I think he also hated himself for it. He received his reward, and you received heartache. This was his selfishness that you paid the penalty for.
Be strong, have hope. Better days are ahead.
Last edited by LonelyDude (November 9, 2023 10:20 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
The more I think about this the more angry I get! How do I get rid of the anger?
Personally I needed a certain amount of anger to get through the Mindfuck. Because it's not fair what is done and if I didn't have anger to offset all the other emotions I had to deal with I don't think I would have had the fortitude to not put blame where it belonged.
See your anger as a tool that you use when there are times you think "this is too hard... I can't do this, it's not fair!"
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Anon2222
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
I agree with you Elle - it took a number of months to reach the anger phase for me - but the anger is what motivated me to actually start looking after myself. And to stop listening to him and all his lies, and actually look at what I wanted in all of this. Anger is not a "bad" emotion. Embrace it, use it for as long as it's useful, and then work on letting it go over time, as you deal with the myriad of emotions that all of this is.
This level of abuse is disgusting. And we all have every right to vent, be angry, be hurt, sear with resentment, and wallow in despair. Because this entire thing is incredibly traumatic. And the gay spouse gets off easy in comparison.
- Blackie563
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
Who hates himself more? Me or him?
As a man that hid in his own closet of infidelity for years, my guess is that he hated himself far worse than you are capable of. At least that is what I experienced, and continue to experience. Shame and guilt devoured his soul.
I find this particularly accurate with my ex wife. I spent 24 years (19 married) trying to rescue someone incapable of rescue, because she truly hates everything about herself. Over a year later, she seems to be sticking with the same woman, but she looks just as miserable as ever. I don't notice, don't care, but many have told me, she does not match that of someone who has "finally come out and living their authentic life". She is petty, childish, angry, short tempered and still attempting to lie on the regular.
I was angry, but have not been for a long time now. I am grateful. Grateful every day she choose to have an affair (probably had dozens), but one that I found out about because she knew that would be what would drive me away. She didn't have the maturity to just admit she had been hiding all of these years and simply apologize. Now she is losing her mind because I do not engage with her at all. She lost the best thing that ever happened to her and all I did was become indifferent.
It absolutely better once you reach clear air. You'll experience life like you never knew possible. I am grateful for all of it, because now I am free.
- Josephine
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
Who hates himself more? Me or him?
As a man that hid in his own closet of infidelity for years, my guess is that he hated himself far worse than you are capable of. At least that is what I experienced, and continue to experience. Shame and guilt devoured his soul.
.
I agree that shame and guilt devoured his soul! I saw this over time as all of his goodness and kindness seemed to slowly disappear. This is essentially why I chose to tell my grown children the truth even though my counselor advised me not to. When we lie about something this big it destroys us. They would have watched that same process happen to me.
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Thread Starter- Josephine
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
I agree with you Elle - it took a number of months to reach the anger phase for me - but the anger is what motivated me to actually start looking after myself. And to stop listening to him and all his lies, and actually look at what I wanted in all of this. Anger is not a "bad" emotion. Embrace it, use it for as long as it's useful, and then work on letting it go over time, as you deal with the myriad of emotions that all of this is.
This level of abuse is disgusting. And we all have every right to vent, be angry, be hurt, sear with resentment, and wallow in despair. Because this entire thing is incredibly traumatic. And the gay spouse gets off easy in comparison.
Elle and Anon,
I am trying to do that! I am not an angry person and do not like living with that feeling. I am usually the sort of person who tries to understand what made a person behave in a particular way. In my husband's case I do understand his motives but the horrible consequences far outweigh that! Right now I am trying to use the anger to move on with my life. I feel that he stole 37 years from me and I don't want to give him any more of my life!
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Thread Starter- Josephine
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
It absolutely better once you reach clear air. You'll experience life like you never knew possible. I am grateful for all of it, because now I am free.
I cannot wait to be free of this!
- •
Thread Starter- M-Kate
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
I see that this post was from a few weeks ago, but I can certainly relate to the anger you feel. My husband does not feel that he did anything wrong. He doesn't feel any remorse or guilt. He said that he felt it was best to keep his homosexual activities separate from his marriage to avoid hurting me. LOL I think that he truly didn't think it was any of my business.
- Anon2222
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Re: I am coming to terms that my Husband preferred men!
I see that this post was from a few weeks ago, but I can certainly relate to the anger you feel. My husband does not feel that he did anything wrong. He doesn't feel any remorse or guilt. He said that he felt it was best to keep his homosexual activities separate from his marriage to avoid hurting me. LOL I think that he truly didn't think it was any of my business.
I feel this way as well. When my ex made his announcement about being gay, he then told me he wouldn't talk about it and was divorcing me. So....we have not once sat down and had an adult conversation about what exactly happened in all of this. He has told me he doesn't owe me anything. He has done nothing wrong. None of this is his fault....and yet he obliterated my life and who I was as a person. He used me until he didn't need me anymore and then discarded me like a piece of trash. And yet....after 20 years of marriage...he feels he doesn't even owe me a conversation.