Allison, I'm so sorry you're here, it's a struggle I wouldn't wish on anyone, but this forum, these generous, soulful, gracious snarkers......they'll get u thru it! Like OOHC said, even the non TG spouses stories & advice will be immeasurable in your strength to keep moving forward & get you back to stable footing. It takes time though, so know that & don't get discouraged. Better days are ahead when you take back your life xxx

OOHC, if I could only save my own life!!! Still a shitshow, but feeling more blasse, than devistated. It's a slow process, made slower for me because of my health & an inability to get out my cape & hit the road. It's been a lesson in power though, I'll say that. I've learned that I'm STILL worthy of love, respect & kindness, no matter whether I can physically & financially support myself. A lesson I needed to learn & one I think was at the crux of my dependance on a shithead....and how said "shithead" actually depended on me feeling *less than* and unworthy. I'm also seeing flashbacks now how he also nurtured that weakness, to ensure his own survival. 

Baby steps. You can't expect to undo or correct a debilitating pattern that's been in the making for decades...or a lifetime. (yes, that affirmation was mostly for my benefit)

Bless you fellow Shitstorm Troopers. Troop on xxxxx
Sham

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Sham,
   I love your fighting spirit, your anger, and the mightiness you demonstrated in getting free of a soul-crushing marriage that nearly killed you.  
 

Oh, but I'm not free. Not even close OOHC. So many years spent in this hell has left me seriously flattened. As everyone here knows, the real work begins after separation. I'm sure I'd be doing much better if I had better health, but physically & mentally, I'm pretty bankrupt. The longer one stays in these relationships, the harder it is to unwind all the damage. My heart aches for all the young partners who think it only takes small compromises to make the marriage work because we all know how insanely cruel & exhausting those compounding sacrifices are as the years pass. 

Trunte: I'm sorry it's such an ugly, tortured & crass outlook we tell, I truly wish we could be a shining-bright-with-love declaration of making a straight spouse/TG  marriage work. There are other opinions & forums out there that are less harsh for sure. They talk about "compromises & consolations" (on the straight spouse's part mind you, NEVER on the part of the TG/crossdressing part, unless you agree their "sufferring & slow pace" is a compromise). In 25 years though, I have yet to hear a single story of how joyous, fulfilling & positive such a marriage is & that they highly recommend it. Not one. That's telling enough in my opinion, to strive for more from a marriage & life. At the very least, please put yourself at the TOP of your list and don't fall victim to the Transcentric focus or him being the foundation & axis of everything. If allowed any freedom, it will turn your life upside down & your "new normals" will progress so far beyond your initial & authentic comfort zone.

So much time & energy is spent on Trans once it's been disclosed, it's the same all consuming shift not unlike coming home from the hospital with your first child. You forget what life was like before your life took on this cha

Hilder, I'm so sorry about the place you have been thrown into. More like "catapulted" eh? Sure, in hind site, you look back & see all the markers & warnings, but everything is blown apart in one swift, ugly detonation. You will come thru this to a much better place. It's never okay, but you will not be in that "elephants sitting on my chest" phase eventually. I promise! 

My husband was never outwardly nasty like yours seems to have been. That is horrid!! this ugly darkness is all him, not you. Calling his "partner" a c*nt says waaaay more about his dark spirit & it needs to be handed right back to him to deal with (even figurativly) and not you carrying that shit around. I know, easier said than done at the beginning. I'm sure someone has already suggested but it merits repeating; get a lawyer, a therapist, find a bff who you trust with your broken heart and be kind to yourself. Always. It's okay to cry, get pissed, scream, question. You are not going to be superwoman right out of the starting gate, but tell yourself "In time, I will be okay & survive this crap. I have faith in this because I deserve love & beauty & I will recognize it because I've seen the opposite."..... Naive & blind no longer, it will eventually feel like the freedom & clarity you have been yearning.

baby steps xxxxxx
Sham

JKpeace, how beautiful that you have arrived at this place. You're right, you have to let go of anger in order to move on. I'm in that zone now too. I still don't trust him or accept his denial or excuses, but he clearly will not ever apologize or get it, not from my perspective anyway, so I need to walk away from that yearning, it's a waste of sacred & scarce energy. It's also so important to children, no matter their age, to see parents handling life as gracious & loving as possible.......without being a doormat!

Maresyd is right: there is enough hate going around these days, it's gross.

Katie,
I'm in the process of exiting a 25 yr marriage to an occasional crossdresser > (then) crossdresser > TG non surgical > TG saving for surgery but not gay to where we are now, TG gay in denial husband. I wish I had great news or encouragement but the truth is, once the cat's outta the bag, things move swiftly. As does the depleting bank account and the lies & stealth behavior keeps growing.  The running joke AMONG transgenders theselves is "What's the difference between cross dressing & Trans?...........2 years!" and the other doosy "Starts straight, ends gay" *and all the 'girls' laugh* 

Your husband's timeline of confessions is the same as all of us spouses of TGs . I can tell you,, you haven't yet arrived at his final destination. I'm sorry, but plan to see a lawyer, keep your cards to yourself & know that the EARLIER you move on, as a happy, authentic, single mom & thriving woman, seperate from a TG husband, the better it will be for you AND your daughter. I stayed for 25 years & it doesn't go away, get better, become easier or do any one in your family any good to live a lie.

Big hugs & take care of yourself first, let him crash & burn at his own party, the clean up is devastating.

Sham