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January 23, 2017 11:02 pm  #31


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Thank you for all the advice.
 My husband filed for the divorce once he received the inheritance. As I said before, the inheritance was in a trust fund in his name only.
Since he filed for divorce I can't use infidelity as grounds for divorce.

 

January 24, 2017 11:19 pm  #32


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

OutofHisCloset wrote:

....... I have been emotionally frozen out for years even before his disclosure.  
  

Me too OOHC. I think trodding thru life with a partner sitting across from you, but without love & intimacy, plus all the emotional drain & gas lighting, leaves one feeling emotionally bankrupt. I'm at the point where not only is my love & fun bank completely drained, I also don't know how to refill it and have zero energy to get out there to replenish it. I'm exhausted.

I'm so happy for you that you have arrived at a place where you need to expedite your break to freedom sooner than later. You deserve as much happy as you can squeeze in!

All this talk regarding "no fault" divorce makes me so pissed off. These situations aren't your normal "affair" issues but rather an entire marriage based on fraud. Whether you were together 1 year or 3 decades, there was duplicity & fraud on their part. Every one of our partners KNEW they were LGBT before entering into a contract either verbal or written & they chose to misrepresent themselves in a manner we were unaware was a lie. Had they presented themselves (the "product") in their true light we would NEVER have bought it. I wish i had the energy & funds to take THAT to court & help set a precedent so future spouses were protected because I don't think much will be done to thwart future duping by simply writing another tell all, starting a blog or sharing our stories. Just as the LGBT community had to get bills passed to ensure their future rights & safety, I think so will we.

Big hugs,
DebbieDownerShitstorm Trooper Sham
xxxx
 

 

January 25, 2017 5:56 am  #33


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Hildur,
In my state you need to reply to the divorce complaint...you can put down anything you want in yours including infidelity.

I honestly think a lot of these spouses deep in denial file first so we cannot claim infidelity. ..but in a no fault state it matters little..it's a business transaction. It matters little who files first. They think they are in control but they are not...the lawyers are now.


Any lawyer worth his salt would question the inheritance ..either way when dividing assets it will stand out on his sheet..ie..he can't say he can't afford to pay your medical insurance etc and make a good case.


Either way even if he had a billion dollars you want to get far away him...you really want to get far away from such a horrible person.  Assemble your legal team.
Strategy I would take..stay in your home...do nothing but gather all the finance account numbers etc. Find any help you can if you have to.  Fine..he filed..it strictly a business thing now. You can literly do absolutely nothing and you'll be standing in the way of his new gay life... but he is not in control now the lawyers are...bad move on his part...a blessing for you.

Stay stoic.  Be prepared for anger and rage and know you did not cause any if it.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 25, 2017 8:30 am  #34


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Sham,
  I've so missed your voice and perspective and presence on the forum lately, but I know that you are doing the work of recovery, and, maybe, like me, you yearn to put as much distance between you and trans or c-d crap as you can.  I once read a comment on another site from a woman who had dated a crossdresser, and she said something like, "yes, when you're involved and in it, you think about it all the time.  But then you get out, and you never think about it again."  That was clarifying.  It's the point I want to get to--when/where it doesn't affect me and I don't have to think about it daily, constantly, or even at all.  Transworld is not where I want to live, and I don't have to.  If people want to mutilate their bodies and live in their fantasy worlds, ok, just leave me out of it.  I'm torn, though, because if we all just say, "hey, live and let live" and forget about the damages caused (and we're that, collateral damage), more of us will get hurt. 
  Sham, please don't be hard on yourself.  You were in for 25 years; I don't know how you did it and can only imagine the toll it took.  I've been in it for just two years, and it's often hit or miss whether I'll make it through the day without imploding--or exploding (probably the emotionally healthier choice)!  Try to think of yourself as now in a kind of recovery phase; you were assaulted intimately and on a daily basis for so long, it's no wonder your body and mind are beat.  But you will recover yourself, and begin to find your strength, not the strength you had to employ to withstand what you took for so long, but strength used on your own behalf, for your own health.  
    Thank you so much for your comments on my situation, too, and the best wishes.  I really am moving to end the marriage.  Not looking forward to it, but looking forward to it--and I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.
  About sites online (I know you left a comment on lostdad's thread on the admin, and I think a tg-cd thread is important, too): transwidow's blog will feel very familiar and good to you, and I recently googled "peak trans moment" and found a couple of places people record the moment(s) when they realized all the trans crap arguments were just that: crap. (http://peaktransmoment.tumblr.com/tagged/submission)  It's wonderful and will lift your spirits and make you feel better when you see that others, too, are questioning the illogic. 
  Damn, Sham, I wish I lived closer.  I'd love to spend some time in your company.  Look out for yourself, be kind to yourself.  And hugs, many hugs.

 

January 26, 2017 12:02 pm  #35


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Thank you,
I am in a partial hospitalization for PTSD and it is helping. I feel that I can kind of breathe again. I am so angry that he was able to do this to me. I am also horrified that I didn't get out of this .  
 I agree, there should be a law that states that a person can not live their life by hiding behind another to pursue their sexual and emotional needs, while destroying the life of their "partner in life".

I am so angry

 

January 26, 2017 12:05 pm  #36


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Does anyone know of a book that explains this abusive situation that does bot have gay in the title?
I want my sons to understand what has been done to me and they won't read anything that has the label gay on it. 
Their father claims that he is only bi-curious!

 

January 29, 2017 8:22 pm  #37


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

OutOfHisCloset, Bless you Momma, that massive hug is felt & appreciated xxxx I wish we lived closer too, a good hang out (read: giggle & bitch session) would be so awesome. It would be so nice to actually hang out with someone, face to face, that understands the situation & *gets* why you may need to discuss it for more than like, 10 minutes! Not that I want to dwell on it, but after  25 years and such a whammo blow, it's hard to just "get over it", even though i want nothing more than to put this trash so far in the rear view mirror. 

I'll check out that other link, it sounds interesting! I agree, the TransWidow site is great! Informative, honest, humour intertwined

And I'm sorry it must seem so selfish, after getting so much support from everyone here during my own "ground zero" moment & now my presence & help/hugs/advice/support is so scarce. I'm just so damn tired & numb from it all. I'll have to revisit that grief timeline & see how far I have to go to getting my mojo back.....wine n chocolate isn't as great an elixer as I hoped! I do think of everyone's heartache here often & come by to get a check up on everyone's progress to happiness, but it's also really sad to see so many new weekly "I'm so glad I found this site! I've just discovered....."

Damn, too many broken hearts & crushed spirits. 

Cheers to all & big hugs, always
Sham
 

 

January 30, 2017 11:51 am  #38


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

whatasham,
you seem to have been in similar situation. I craved discussions and affection, but he had none for me. It was a lonely and sad existence. I will try and not let him use and abuse me again.
His favorite phrase for me in private was/is Stupid Ignorant Cunt and in public it was S.I.C.
I now know why 

 

January 30, 2017 2:25 pm  #39


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Hilder, I'm so sorry about the place you have been thrown into. More like "catapulted" eh? Sure, in hind site, you look back & see all the markers & warnings, but everything is blown apart in one swift, ugly detonation. You will come thru this to a much better place. It's never okay, but you will not be in that "elephants sitting on my chest" phase eventually. I promise! 

My husband was never outwardly nasty like yours seems to have been. That is horrid!! this ugly darkness is all him, not you. Calling his "partner" a c*nt says waaaay more about his dark spirit & it needs to be handed right back to him to deal with (even figurativly) and not you carrying that shit around. I know, easier said than done at the beginning. I'm sure someone has already suggested but it merits repeating; get a lawyer, a therapist, find a bff who you trust with your broken heart and be kind to yourself. Always. It's okay to cry, get pissed, scream, question. You are not going to be superwoman right out of the starting gate, but tell yourself "In time, I will be okay & survive this crap. I have faith in this because I deserve love & beauty & I will recognize it because I've seen the opposite."..... Naive & blind no longer, it will eventually feel like the freedom & clarity you have been yearning.

baby steps xxxxxx
Sham

Last edited by whatasham24 (January 30, 2017 2:29 pm)

 

February 1, 2017 11:28 am  #40


Re: For straight spouses over 50 in long marriages

Thank you,
I am in a PTSD treatment now. It helps, I am soooo angry

 

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