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October 17, 2016 10:25 pm  #21


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Whatasham,

I have no knowledge of TG stuff but your emotions are mine. All I got was the roof over my head and I share the too old for anything left that would help me or contribute to some hope. I'm 65 years old.

At the six month mark after TGT  hit me, it's like the storm clouds cleared and I got a good realistic look at my life clearly. I can't believe what I am seeing. What happened is just horrible. Why would I be willingly in this?

I can't sleep well anymore and feel like it's all spinning so fast around me I might fall off, get run over and die.

My therapist told me with all the terrible junk he did to me past TGT, the only thing he could do was get rid of anyone who knew about all of it and that's me. She's said his narcissistic way was to wash away all of it by getting rid of me. He can now start over and nobody else knows what he's done.

Many times in the first six months I felt stronger and better off than I do now. Then again, this is so awful, I am devastated, sad and furious. I am at a standstill with no way forward.

I wish I could make you feel better. The only thing I can do is tell you I share exactly what you feel and understand the pain of it. I want better for you, me and everybody here. Stay close. Understanding and comfort is power. This seems to be a process.

Judy





whatasham24 wrote:

Rob, that's just so heart wrenching to hear, partly because I see my own story in that account. It's a brutal realization that they have soooo little regard for you that they steal everything they can; respect, confidence, sexuality, strength, time & financial health to top it all off. You named it right about "financing" their abuse. 

I've had such a really tough go of it lately, feeling like I'm going crazy, worthless, too old to make a go of it. Too tarnished for a redo. One day I'm mad as hell & don't trust a word he says, then he corals me in to not necessarily feeling sorry for him, but more falling back into our 25 yr dynamic of me wanting to be a decent person (read:doormat), play fair & hope he comes around and does the right thing financially and not screw me further. I've realized my wavering is not validation in "taking the highroad" as much as it's evidence I'm a full blown co-dependent or more, showing tendencies of an abused spouse. If I'm completely honest with myself about my truth, fears & desires, it's that I want things to stay the same. No matter how effing crappy it makes me feel, how dangerous it is to my sanity & health, and how much I want so much more than this shitshow, it's more a 'The devil I know" scenario. Discovering this weekend that he is in fact planning surgery, HRT therapy, setting up out-of-province/country consultations with Dr.s for femininization surgeries, seeking out gay bars in the US for his near future business trip was a wake up call. I know, I know, how many facking "wake-up calls" does a broad need to have it sink the hell into my fat head & stupid, naive heart? So all his recent "I'll always take care of you & the kids" is complete & utter bullshit. Do u know how much it costs for surgery? It'll be 100+k & that's not including the wigs, clothes and props he already has on order to be delivered to his secret PO box. So his "caring" for me is actually just a way to postpone the divorce & alimony-division gavel slamming down on him.

Truth is, I''m bloody exhausted. So many years of deep depression, unending support & isolation, living in a tenuous pressure cooker all these years, getting nothing in return but a "roof over my head" has left me with zero mojo. In fact, I believe I'm in the red on the energy bank. Baby steps is about all I can accomplish & I need so much more umph than that!! I did however get back today to the paper work my lawyer is requesting, so that's something I guess.

Sorry for the ramble, back to why I initially came here.....You've come a long way Rob in such a short time. When u said earlier up the thread "It's been 2 months" I thought "Whaaaat?" That is so amazing!! Especially coming from such an equally abusive relationship. Props to you!! I can only hope I'm somewhere near that goal post by then !

Lastly, I drove my lazy ass last week to a support group for spouses of TG's. A 3 hr drive, but thought it would be worth it to connect face to face with other like minded spouses. A couple dozen spouses all preaching the "trials of staying thru "The Journey" & how to find hobbies & outlets to fill the void of grief & loss. Can you believe it??!! I wanted to slap every one of them like Cher in Moonstruck. "Snap out of it already!!" (I'd add 'stupid bitches' to that though) Man, I thought *I* looked depressed, I've got nothing on them in that department. Vacant eyes, hunched shoulders, brutally sad energy, the dreaded "no confidence wardrobe". I left at 1/2 time tea/social. I needed a stiff cocktail after that, not tea!! I had an out-loud conversation with my deceased BFF the whole way home "Can you BELIEVE that insanity?!!! Holy shit!"

Just goes to show, there really is ZERO help out there for the duped spouses & forums such as this are a God send!! Coming here has kept me sane & hopeful, so thank you everyone!!


Bless y'all,
Sham



 

 

Last edited by Judy (October 17, 2016 10:29 pm)

 

October 18, 2016 6:33 am  #22


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Sham,
  Props to you, girl.  Support to you.  Hugs to you.  
  Props for finding the energy to assert yourself on your own behalf and go to a meeting that you hoped would support you. Hugs to you because what you found was yet one more guilt-trip of a "oh, we must support our husbands as they become our wives."  Is it any wonder these women all looked vacant, hunched over and dispirited?  They're all enduring the blows they've decided they must absorb, because they want to gracefully accept their husbands' hatred of their male bodies and the transformation of their sex lives into something contrary to their own heterosexuality, as well their new public role as "wife of s trans-woman," along with all the scrutiny that comes with it.  I can well imagine the body language and clothing that screams "I'm invisible to my husband" and "please don't look at me." 
  I can also well imagine what a body blow that meeting was to you, a roomful of women dutifully soldiering on, willing to accept a diminished life, while you were hoping to find support as you, finally, asserted yourself and your right to a full life of equal standing.  We shouldn't have to acquiesce to pain in order to get support!  It's no wonder that you have been feeling "tarnished" and diminished as a result.  
  Support to you, too, because I think that your pulling back to the tormenting comfort of the known is part of a predictable patten.  Or, at least, so I've found in myself, and I, like you, know that I have to fight my own psychological profile, in my case of giving myself away because somewhere inside I don't think I have any value of my own. (It's a never-ending irony to me that my husband declares he wishes he'd been "socialized as a girl" when the very socialization he values so much is what is causing me so much misery, and his socialization as a male is what enables him to expect I will support him!)  LIke you, I will find myself seeing clearly, with realization after realization crowding in on me and prompting me to think and act in my interest and on my own behalf, and then, in reaction, find myself pulling back, putting myself in his shoes, second guessing myself, and reaching out to the very person who is unable to imagine himself in my situation, the person who expects my support, and who lashes out in a narcissistic rage when I express reasonable doubts or offer logical critiques of the way he equates "femininity" and "woman," and in so doing assaults my own sense of myself as woman.  
  I'll tell you something, though.  I'm sitting here writing this in the early morning, and I'm wearing a little blue number--nothing girly, just a comfortable knit above-the-knee tunic with a scoop neck and pintucks that I decided would make good morning lounge wear--that I recently bought myself, and I put it on the day of my birthday, Sunday, to assert to myself that I am the woman in this house and entitled to dress like it, and I put it on after I read your reply to Rob, about your going out and buying something for yourself, and giggling about it.  And I thought, yeah, this Sham, she gets it.  And she's got balls.  Or tits, maybe (I've always said we women need our own comparable term.  
  Hang in there, get your papers in to the lawyer, and get your hands on your half of the money and out of his control.  

   
  

 

October 22, 2016 5:05 am  #23


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Thankyou for the advice and just taking the time to read my post I am overwhelmed because it's the first time someone has an understanding of what I am going through. I am still with my partner at the moment but I have been looking for a new place to live as I have finally come to a decision. I just cannot live like this anymore it's affecting my everyday life it's on my mind all the time and I cannot stay with him. It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make and it's tearing me apart but as a couple of you have said I've already lost the man I fell in love with and all hope is gone of this not happening so I am ready to venture out in the world alone. I know it's going to be tough and I will feel lonely but having read some of your post I know I can get through this, I have to. Thankyou for showing me that I can as some of you have.debby

 

October 22, 2016 7:58 am  #24


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Debby,
  I'm so admiring of your courage in doing what you need to do to live the life you need to live.  And I hope it help you in times when you are grieving and wondering how you will manage to know that your example has given me strength to act on my own behalf, too. 
  To all who are in marriages to CD/TG's:  I just came across this blog yesterday, transwidow.wordpress.com, and after reading it from beginning to end I would recommend it. It's written by a woman who like us was married to a man who after years of marriage decided he was a woman and would "transition."  She addresses a lot of what we encounter, must deal with, and feel.  She's smart, feminist, logical, and witty.  
   

 

November 4, 2016 10:14 pm  #25


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Sham - you really know how to "tell it like it is". I really needed to hear all of that!


 There are moments which mark your life.  Moments when you realize nothing
will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts - Before this, and After this
.
 

September 26, 2017 8:21 pm  #26


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Hi, I am Allison. I am new. This is my first post. I want to thank Sham for her post above. I found out I have a TG, GMD ??? Who knows? A week ago. I am still working on finding my words and footing. Your post puts words to my thoughts, pain, anguish etc in a rational voice.  It's like the side of where I hope to be. Not where I am.  Because I am spinning, spinning, spinning. There are some moments of clarity. Like when I joined here today. You helped Sham. TY  I have a bit of hope for myself.

Last edited by Allison (September 26, 2017 8:24 pm)

 

September 26, 2017 10:12 pm  #27


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

TY Lynne. Thank u for noticing me. I will figure out where to find newer threads. I just don't know how yet.

 

September 27, 2017 12:14 am  #28


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Allison,
      Sham was my life saver!  She injected reality and sanity into a situation that was slowly but surely eating me alive.   I'm sorry you're here and also going through this nightmare.  You can search by poster as well as scrolling through all the threads to see which identify themselves as about transgender or cross dressing, although I learned a whole lot from those who were dealing with a gay/lesbian spouse, too.  One of the most important realizations I had from reading others' posts is that there is a pattern to our partners' actions.  
   You can also share your story in a thread you originate, and post it under the "support" section.  
  Again, sorry you're here, and I hope you find solace and help here.

 

September 27, 2017 2:44 pm  #29


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Allison, I'm so sorry you're here, it's a struggle I wouldn't wish on anyone, but this forum, these generous, soulful, gracious snarkers......they'll get u thru it! Like OOHC said, even the non TG spouses stories & advice will be immeasurable in your strength to keep moving forward & get you back to stable footing. It takes time though, so know that & don't get discouraged. Better days are ahead when you take back your life xxx

OOHC, if I could only save my own life!!! Still a shitshow, but feeling more blasse, than devistated. It's a slow process, made slower for me because of my health & an inability to get out my cape & hit the road. It's been a lesson in power though, I'll say that. I've learned that I'm STILL worthy of love, respect & kindness, no matter whether I can physically & financially support myself. A lesson I needed to learn & one I think was at the crux of my dependance on a shithead....and how said "shithead" actually depended on me feeling *less than* and unworthy. I'm also seeing flashbacks now how he also nurtured that weakness, to ensure his own survival. 

Baby steps. You can't expect to undo or correct a debilitating pattern that's been in the making for decades...or a lifetime. (yes, that affirmation was mostly for my benefit)

Bless you fellow Shitstorm Troopers. Troop on xxxxx
Sham

 

September 27, 2017 3:52 pm  #30


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

I had also missed this old thread, what a cracker...Sham and OOHC, you are my shining lights.

Allison, I'm sorry you're here, I hope the posts form us who have dealt with the TG issues will help you.

 

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