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September 16, 2016 8:45 am  #1


New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

HI there, I don't know where to start except to say I'm glad I found a group that I can connect with. I'm at the beginning stages, my husband told me recently he wants to transition. We have been and living together for 7 years. This is my second marriage. He has a child from another marriage (13 years old) who lives with us half time. We married a year ago and he's turning 40 next week. I'm still in shock and living with him now has been torture because I love him but I am disgusted with thinking of him as a woman. I am angry at him although I know he thought this would never come up...thought he could push the thoughts away. I had no clue that this was an issue. We are both in therapy now...I am at this point already thinking about divorce because his path seems to already be concrete in his mind. He would like to not feel this way but he says he has since he was a child. He loves me and hoped that I would be open to staying with him and us being a married women couple after our son turns 18. He doesn't plan on telling his son until then! I told him I'm not interested in being a part of this at all. He said he could just start hormones and not get SRS, so he could still be "a man" for me in bed. Ugh this is so painful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I have never trusted nor loved anyone more in my life and it feels that all my insides are being violently torn from my body. Thank you for listening...and please let me know how this site works...do I need to register? How do I register? Thank you

 

September 16, 2016 8:46 am  #2


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Oh wait, after I posted, now the "register" tab appears at the top- will do!

     Thread Starter
 

September 16, 2016 9:40 am  #3


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Welcome SeaLover.

As always, I am always so sorry to see another person going through this but I am glad you found us.  This is certainly the club no one wants to join.  There are others here that have gone and are in the process of going through Husbands who are transitioning who should be along to help you

You will find understanding, advice and when needed tough love here.  Keep reading and keep posting. 

I don't have experience with trans but I would say that just as he wants to be who he is, you should be free to be what you are. If you can't be in a relationship with him as a woman, you should be free to make that choice. 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

September 16, 2016 10:23 am  #4


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Hi SeaLover -

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I haven't gone through the transitional situation, but many here have.  You will find useful advice and support.

We you aware that your husband felt confusion over his identity before you got married?  It would seem that if he admits to feeling this since he was a child, he would certainly owe it to you to tell you that's a big part of who he is.  If this was a complete surprise to you, I'd be quite angry at him for not giving you the necessary information about what you're potentially getting into before you committed.  If you've only been married for a year, this isn't something that just started ramping up this year.  He KNOWS that he might lose you to this, and yet he's set on doing it anyway.  That, to me, would be a deal-breaker.

I wish you well in this journey.  We're here.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 16, 2016 3:18 pm  #5


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Hi SeaLover-

Oh man, I do understand the trauma of having your husband tell you he wants to be your lesbian lover (not that that's exactly the same as the married woman couple comment yours made).  I will never forget the moment mine told me that.  What a nightmare.  And that's just not something you can share with your friends.  We haven't had sex since that day, and that was over ten years ago.  Mine came out in stages starting around 16 years ago, at first just said he liked to wear panties from time to time...I'm getting angry just thinking about it, but then after many years he actually progressed to taking estrogen and spironolactone behind my back.  But the lesbian lover comment (which happened after the panties but before the hormones) was definitely the nail in the coffin for any thought of ever having sex with him again.   (not that there was much sex between this panty discovery and that comment)

While I miss having sex, I absolutely have no desire to have sex with him.  When I thought he was "just" a crossdresser, I tried to be open minded and think--ok, it's a fetish.  He can't help how he feels but he can control what he does.  I thought as long as he didn't act on it (God I was naive) I would try to overlook that he felt that way. 

And I'm wondering how he thinks he can have sex with you if he is taking those drugs?  Because I'm pretty sure they can't have erections if they are taking them.  Could be wrong and sorry if that is too graphic.  Also, we tried the therapy route.  My husband did a LOT of lying in therapy, it was a complete waste of money for us.  However, I do see a therapist by myself and that has been helpful for me.   Therapy is only helpful if someone really wants to change, and I don't think most of these guys do (at least, not in the way we want them to).  They want to do what they want to do. 

 

September 24, 2016 8:52 am  #6


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

About 18 months ago my husband of 33 years told me he had decided he was transgendered.  After I was forced into a crash course to figure things out, I matched what he had to tell me to the standard autogynephile's narrative: early experimentation with women's clothes, and wishing for a woman's body at adolescence, sexual fantasies of being a woman while outwardly living a typical man's/male life.  
   He was always unhappy with male cultural expectations, which is partly what drew me to him.  He wasn't your standard male/man.  And I am not your standard female/woman--not feminine, very independent, etc.  But I have never thought I wasn't a woman, or wanted to be a man.  I thought he felt something similar--reject the cultural norms, not the self.
   When he came out to me, with no warning, no preparation, I got the full history of the preceding two years: how he'd been fishing my discarded bras and underwear out of the wastebasket to try them on, how he'd been reading lesbian romance novels, watching shows on his computer late at night, visiting trans sites (he had all the trans activist lingo). And, like most autogynephiles, he didn't want to be a woman and have a boyfriend; he was attracted to women and wanted to think of himself as a lesbian having sex with another woman.  
   This is part of what is so crazy making about living with an autogynephile, especially one who doesn't want to transition because he would not pass as a woman and/or doesn't want to expose himself to ridicule or humiliation or just loss of respect or prurient curiosity at work. They want all the adjustment to come from the wife, and while every act of theirs in moving to express their sexuality is freeing to them, for the wife it is the opposite.  
   All the while, they are telling you they love you, they want to stay married, the just want you to accommodate their desire, even though if you do make love to them, you feel as if you have an extra woman in your bed, one your husband just installed there one day and said, "I love her, accommodate her."  
   You know that while you are making love, your husband is focused on you not only for you, the individual, but on your female body, because he desperately wants one and wants to learn from you the way female bodies respond so he can imagine himself more fully as a woman, and not only that, he's focused on his own internal fantasy that he is a woman, so whatever he's doing he's seeing as two women making love.  At the same time, he wants to be treated as a stereotypically conventional feminine woman in a heterosexual relationship--to be on the bottom, to be "taken" and "penetrated," etc.  It's illogical and inconsistent (incoherent).  In bed, his attention is divided, and although there may be intimacy, a deep knowing of the other (because he's getting to act his desires and it's exciting to hear the responses of one who's so deeply enjoying himself), all intimacy comes not directly but through this side channel of his autogynephilia.  He can only be sexually excited by wearing women's clothes, having you on top, imagining his body as a woman's, imagining he's a lesbian while making love to you.
  It's like you have a husband still, but you don't.  You have a husband who wants to act the way he thinks a wife would, and the way he thinks women act and feel is right out of conventional feminine stereotypes.   
  And all the while, you are keeping his secret, in his closet, without having been asked, without having given permission to be told in the first place. 
  

 

September 26, 2016 9:56 am  #7


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

OMG ComingOutOfHisCloset your story is almost exactly like mine. The very male husband of years and years who suddenly is "a woman inside". I knew about his fetishes  with specific items of women's clothing, but he swore up and down that those were only fetishes and there was nothing else to know. Now he's "known since childhood", of course, and "it's not a fetish" and he "feels like a woman". Whatever that is. I've only ever felt like a person. And if he did know since childhood, I do think he should have disclosed before marriage and family.

The intimacy part is eeriely similar too. We have sex, but it's like his attention is elsewhere? Like he is looking inside himself and not at me. That real connection you are supposed to have during sex seems to be missing. I sometimes feel like I am a bit player in his sex scene he wrote and directed, without telling me the plot. I only get to know the lines for the small part I am playing. I don't need to understand the whole scene.

And the whole idea of wanting to be taken and penetrated and needing to fantasize about that to be able to have sex. (And at the same time be disgusted by the idea of having sex with a male because no homo. )

My spouse also does not want to transition fully. At least that is what he says now. I am thinking it might be his last shred of realism. A 6'5" gray haired middle aged man built like a rugby player does not a hot young girl make, no matter how many hormones or surgeries he opts for. But we will see. 

 

September 26, 2016 9:43 pm  #8


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Shady,
  My husband also started out with the "I feel like a woman inside" stuff, but I asked him, how exactly can you know how a woman feels, not being one?  Now he's says he's "a man trapped in a man's body, but who would like to be a woman with a female body." As if that makes it easier.  
 I am so glad you also share my feelings about what is going on during sex--that his attention is divided, and the real action is between himself and his idea of himself, even when he is focused on my body.  
 My almost 6o year old husband, 6'4", 100 pounds overweight (he likes being fat so that he can have "breasts"), also would not make a good looking woman, and I have found myself holding my tongue when I want to say, "you really want to be a woman?  Try being an older, overweight woman.  That'll give you a more realistic understanding than any of your ridiculous fantasies, say, for one, that "real women" want to be "penetrated" and "taken" and "give themselves up."  But I have come to realize this isn't about wanting to be an actually existing, day to day woman, it's about some strange sexual fantasy that is based on the polar opposite of the stereotype of a masculine man--a girly feminine fantasy.  He isn't interested in anything that men and women share; he doesn't want unisex clothes, he wants lace and satin and frills.  And he wants to act seductive--which his isn't.  (And I can't stand that behavior in women!)
  All I know is that in eighteen months he's moved from watching tv and reading books to dressing more and more at home, inside the bedroom and out, to acting out in bed, and constant throughout is an increasing need to "express," and the ever constant wish to take hormones--my husband has a fixation on breasts and thinks getting them will give him raptures.  (A friend who has had breast cancer is scathing on this desire, by the way.)  As you say, we will see.

 

September 30, 2016 2:50 am  #9


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Firstly, Welcome SeaLover, I'm so sorry you are here!! Big hugs to you, you're in the right place for help, advise, sharing & ranting xoxo



OutofHisCloset wrote:

Shady,
............ My almost 6o year old husband, 6'4", 100 pounds overweight (he likes being fat so that he can have "breasts"), also would not make a good looking woman, and I have found myself holding my tongue when I want to say, "you really want to be a woman?  Try being an older, overweight woman.  That'll give you a more realistic understanding than any of your ridiculous fantasies, say, for one, that "real women" want to be "penetrated" and "taken" and "give themselves up."  But I have come to realize this isn't about wanting to be an actually existing, day to day woman, it's about some strange sexual fantasy that is based on the polar opposite of the stereotype of a masculine man--a girly feminine fantasy.  He isn't interested in anything that men and women share; he doesn't want unisex clothes, he wants lace and satin and frills.  And he wants to act seductive--which his isn't.  (And I can't stand that behavior in women!)
.......................As you say, we will see.

You nailed it. This forum doesn't get much into the R rated talk, but I have realized over the past year or so that CD/TG is NOT just about clothes, or "feeling like a woman inside" crap. It truly is a sexual addiction & fetish in the most devious of ways. I am a big supporter of LGBT so my thoughts on this are not from an "anti-moral/anti-Christian crap" one, just so you know. But the fact is MTF TG,, those men that transition later in life, not young adult TGs, are a breed completely different than the rest of the LGB community. Sure, they too can have fetishes, just like any hetero, but the older men have way deeper & darker fetishes & sexual desires than they EVER let on or share with their partners. The declaration that they identify with Tg is the vanilla part of their real desires. If you dare look further, secretly & stealthily of course, you will find it is not only more devious than you thought, but it will make you sick to think THIS is what you have been sleeping with all these years, who you trusted with your heart. All those fantasies about submission/penetrated/overpowered in the stupidest of stereotypes are their "as-close-as-they'll-get fantasies of ACTUALY being a woman and having sex with a man". Sorry, graphic, but the truth. They love those stupid "sissy/coy" looks & demeaner for a reason. They KNOW it's not how any cicwoman really acts, but it is all about sexual fetish, not real life. Real life as a real woman for a month would bloody kill them & doesn't interest them in the least!! There is no hanging around in sissy dresses, thigh high stockings & size 14 hooker lucite shoes & taking selfies & posting on instagram, private fb pages as a real life woman. THAT is what they want, to keep that sexual euphoria going 24/7 instead of when they can sneak it in when you are away or they're  travelling "on business".

For years i thought this too was panties for Cd's crap, afterall, that's what he kept telling me. But he kept moving the goal posts & me, beaten down by him, depression, life shit, I let it pass hoping that was the height of it. As you spouses know, it ends up consuming your life, even when they're in male mode! They're either on-line, distant, shopping on a private paypal account, going to "support" groups, or on CD/TG forums getting tips on how to squeeze more freedom out of their wives, all the while fucking laughing at us. I hate to be a negative nancy, but they have played us, sometimes for decades. You know what their running inside joke is? "What's the difference between a CD & a TG?.................2 years!" Yup, they think that's a bloody riot. Nice. There's also a TG blog that breaks down their open & honest realities of gender vs sexuality as "Starts Straight, turns gay" How more often than not, those with more "freedom to experiment & express themselves", end up being with men/tranny chasers, even before SRS. It's their last closet /frontier to escape/explore & they have just been too afraid to admit it, mostly to themselves all these years.

And yes, the sex, looking back, is also a universally TG nightmare for the wives. I always got the impression he found me downright "icky" . A woman knows when a man touches her or kisses her, if he is truly in love & lust with her. Sure, it might wane periodically, but for years??? And from the beginning of the relationship? I have felt for 24 years that I'm too unattractive for not just my husband, but probably most men because clearly, he is repulsed by me. And yet then he's a cordial, hardworking, freindly guy to me outside the bedroom. Distant & emotionally unavailable, but i thought that was just his "strong silent type" personality. Now I realize, in his mind, he's been a million miles away being someone else, having sex with someone else, living a completely unvanilla life from ours and that he actually hated it all! (I have found texts & messages comparing his famiily life to "jail".) 

And even though we are now in the process of divorce & he has every right & freedom to be honest with me & himself, he's STILL lying! He said he would never do hormones, surgery, "NO WAY!!" etc, yet I know for a fact that he is in the process of organizing it all now. I've also found he has the craziest side fetishes that now all make sense. They're not as harmful to my spirit, but still! Who tha f&&k did I marry??!!!!

I feel so stupid you know? Of course you do. We all have that same heart crushing feeling of being so excruciatingly hurt. No, not even hurt, grief or sadness covers it appropriatly. It's like realizing after all these years that the man you thought loved you & wouldn't hurt you has actually been *secretly* abusing you, beating the spirit out of you for purely selfish reasons.........& without your knowledge! You are JUST realizing it now, and he's bloody standing in the next room, making a midnight fucking snack like Ward Cleaver, oblivious to the pain he has unloaded on you & frankly, doesn't actually give two shits. 

I swear, I will need therapy for this one for a long time & I've been thru some serious mind boggling shit in my life, that doesn't even come close to this. What's even scarier? I haven't seen the worst of it yet.

Thanks for letting me ramble & unload, I feel like I'm losing my mind most days & hearing some poor other woman's pain is sickly consoling. I wish none of us were here, having these sad confessions.

Bless you all, Kindred Shitstorm Troopers
Sham xoxoxo  
 

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 30, 2016 3:52 am)

 

September 30, 2016 3:21 am  #10


Re: New here, how does this work? Husband came out, plans to transition.

Oh, one last thing before signing off tonight!

All these mid-life "newly discovered" (Ya, RIGHT!!) MTF TGs that tell their wives they love them & want to stay married, because "They love them so so so much"???? They simply know they're old ass self wouldn't stand a chance on their own, NOT passing as an attractive porn star methinks they fantasize they are, with their financial resources cut in 1/2 and actually having to face the big bad world of REALITY, outside their forums, fantasies & support groups. Even THEY know, sooner or later, they have to pick shit up at Walmart, take the dog to the vet, pay the bills, phone the insurance company.....you know, that everyday shit that gets in the way of being a sissy girl in her lucite shoes, hanging with her fellow sissy BFFs taking selfies & complimenting each other incessantly on their fab new brow techniques & their Karl Lagerfeild approved GurlzGoneWild lip gloss. 

Nope, without they're wife who has propped them tha hell up for (????) years, their fantasy would be vastly diluted. 

I have sadly gone from respecting both my husband & his femme alter ego, to despising both of them. I wouldn't choose either one of their selfishlyingcheatingweak asses as my friend. I'm scared as hell of being on my own but i'm also happily waiting for the day that I'm done with him in my day to day life. That's the day I'll pour a big glass of wine & exhale.

Bless you all Shitstorm Troopers,
Sham

 

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