Katie,
   I'm not a psychologist.  I'm an academic and former director of a women's and gender studies program.  I'm also married to a man who disclosed to me not quite two years ago that he thinks he's transgender.  I've spent a great deal of time in that time reading everything I can get my hands on about gender dysphoria. Here's how I understand the difference between gender expression and gender identity.  Gender expression has to do with the gender characteristics you like to express, while still considering yourself your biological sex.  Males can exhibit feminine behavior or wear women's clothes but still be content with themselves as men and with their male bodies.  Gender identity is a fuzzy-wuzzy concept that rests on what gender a person feels him or herself to "be": it's the "I'm a biological male but I feel like a woman" trend. (Gender critical feminists reject the idea that "woman" is a gender, because gender is a social construct; sex is a biological one, and "woman" has always meant "adult female.") From my perspective, and from that of the gender critical community (which includes some feminists, some trans people, and some psychologists working in the area of gender) this is illogical: how can a man, who has never been a woman, know what it feels like to be a woman?  Further, the idea that a liking for women's clothes or the color pink or the desire to wear lipstick "proves" one is a woman is simply preposterous.  Many biological/natal WOMEN don't like pink or wearing makeup (I'm one), but that doesn't make them less of a woman or, in the current trans ideology, men. In these terms, that fact that I don't wear makeup or pink means I'm "really" a man.  
  The difference is between rejecting the idea that some behaviors or clothing are inherenly gendered and are therefore off limits to a particular person because of their sex (males "can't" wear makeup), and embracing the idea that everything is gendered and one must change their physical body and idea of oneself from man to woman if one likes what society has declared appropriate for women.  
  It seems your husband is telling you he likes to "express" as a woman, but doesn't think he "is" (or identifies) as one. (I would actually agree with your husband that he doesn't know what transgender "really means," because it doesn't have any basis in anything real; it's based on nothing but an individual's subjective feeling, and it leads to such impossibilities as "I'm a woman because I say I am.")  
   It remains to be seen whether your husband continues to see it like this.  

Katie,
   Hope you got some restful sleep.  I would suggest that when you have time you spend time reading threads on this network, looking first for those with "crossdressing" or "transgender" in their titles, as those will be most relevant to you. You can also search by the name of the commenter, and read all the posts by that commenter.  That is also useful.  In reading others' stories I was able to see just what the outlines of my reaction pattern were, and see where I was temporizing or justifying or expressing concern for him (instead of thinking about what I needed).  
 After you've looked at the threads that are most relevant to your situation, read more widely.  Although our situation is not the same as those with a gay spouse, many of the issues are still the same, and there are many wise, compassionate, and courageous people here from whom you can draw strength, wisdom, and courage of your own.  
  Remember that your job is to look out for yourself, not understand and support your husband in his habit.  He is already looking out for himself, and will continue to do so, and will expect that you accommodate his desires.  Ask yourself: is he willing to accommodate mine?

Hugs Katie. 

I hate to say it, but this is all calculated.  He has know the full truth for a long time but he's breaking it to you in a fashion that he thinks will keep things safe and calm for him.  He's giving you little bits at a time and telling you at times that will require you to wait and calm down before you can react.  For example, when your daughter is still up, so that you have to wait an hour and a half and calm down a bit from the initial rage before you can communicate with him. 

Don't ever be sorry about a post here.  We are here for you no matter what the topic or timing.  

Be safe!  Keep your daughter safe!  You will get through this. 
 

Lostdad. Thanks for your support I never felt like I needed outsider validation for my feelings before not like this. Ive always been very self assured in my emotions even when im not acting in a way im proud of but this situation really has made me feel out of touch with myself. Probably cause I feel like he has all the control lately.

Outofhiscloset. Thanks again for your replys. This last week ive read so many things about the selfishness and I just couldnt believe that could be my husband. Its like a switch was fliped with this revelation. Ive always respected the plight of trans and never really considered the spouses. Maybe cause I felt like there should have been warning sign but ive been grasping trying to see clues that werent there.

I'll probably become a regular here. An over sharer and I just never thought my life would be here.

I still have hope for our life but I am afraid thats just because I haven't processed this. How does a marriage work with this huge hurdle? Is there any reason to hope... Or am I just hoping to be living in a dream world. Are there trans that dont ever transition? What kind of life do they lead....

And what will this do to my daughter. I already hold so much guilt that I couldn't give her a sibling to commiserate with to play with. A built in support system... And now this... I wanted so much more for my life. And how do I parent this???

On top of everything im in the middle of looking for a new job... I guess increasing my bottom line and advancing my carreer never had so much at stake. I never thought id have to consider being a single mom. I watched friends divorce and was soooooooooo fucking sure my daughter wouldnt be raised in a broken home. Im such a fool.

Last edited by Katie62 (January 18, 2017 9:01 pm)

Katie,
 I'm so sorry. It really does f--king suck.  None of us thought our lives would be here, but they are.  And we will and do get through it.  We have to do things we wish we didn't have to do, and we wouldn't do them if we didn't have to.  But we do.  And we do get through it.  
 I will say this: your daughter has a loving mother--you--and your concern for your daughter will help you get through this. 
  I wish I could tell you how a marriage gets through with this kind of hurdle.  Mine is on life support. There are trans people who don't transition, but that doesn't mean there aren't problems or that your marriage can work.  JKPeace spent some time on the MOM (Mixed Orientation Marriage) Boards, where the focus is on trying to make the marriage work.  You might go there and see what there is to see, and decide whether the attitudes you see and the sacrifices you'll need to make seem reasonable to you.  
  You are right to think about your "bottom line," however.  Having choices makes this whole ordeal less awful (I know, you're wondering how it could be less awful), and not having to stay in a marriage in which you are discounted out of money worries will mean you can make decisions based on what feels right for you.  
  Please reach out for support wherever you can.  Here, where people have experienced what you're going through, and your family and friends.  Make your own sanity and health your priority; your husband will be looking out for himself (maybe even expecting you to support him!--where do they get the nerve, I wonder) and you need to make sure you have a support system for yourself.