Hi Katie,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Our non-straight spouses never tell us shocking pieces of their persona without intending to DO SOMETHING with the info they're feeding you.  Think about it - if it were only a few things that they wanted to change - say for instance a husband who wants to start painting his nails - he'd just..... DO it.  And then see the reaction and make decisions accordingly.  Or he'd come to you (anticipating the reaction wouldn't be very good if he just jumped and tried it), and say, "Hon, I want to paint my nails but feel that you'd freak out.  How do you feel about it?  Okay with you?"  But that's not what they do - they come deliver a huge bomb, (I'm a cross-dresser, or trans-gender, etc.) and then expect you to believe that the fact that you're holding a bomb doesn't mean anything - it won't go off.  They just..... wanted you to hold it.  Then at some point, you feel the bomb rumbling, and begin to show concern.  That's when you're like, "I thought you said the nail polish was going to be used exclusively at home", or "I thought you said you'd only dress like occasionally", and they just tell you again how this is NO.BIG.DEAL.  Don't worry - it means nothing.  Why can't you be supportive?!?!  Jeez!  Then one day you notice that not only has the frequency on things you knew about increased, but there are other secret things - maybe pics of them being shared online, or proof that they're talking to others or meeting others so they can get validation on their choices.  It's as if their finger is hovering over the detonate button.  What's the matter, don't you TRUST them???  Well then it's YOU with the problem.  And then when the bomb goes off in your hand and throws you down and leaves you bleeding and alone, they tell you that you KNEW you were holding a bomb - what did you THINK was going to happen???  Now it's your fault for not seeing the writing on the wall - even though they told you all along that there was no writing there, and you looking for it was untrustworthy.

Bottom line is that once they tell you a big truth like they are transgender or a cross-dresser, the cat's out of the bag and it's all a slippery slope.  It NEVER means nothing.  It never means that things will stay they way they looked like they would when they first told you.  It's progressive, and they have every intention of feeding this beast and watching it grow, all the while telling you that they're powerless to choose otherwise, and that you're unsupportive and not accepting and judgmental if you tell them that you're not into this.  (They don't really care if you're into it - only that you let THEM be into it).

Don't believe a word he says from now on.  Watch his actions and you'll learn allllll you need to know.  Seeing is believing.  And he's going to show you plenty now that the cat's out of the bag.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Katie,
I'm also in the process of ending a long term marriage, and I am in complete agreement with Kel on many things, but mainly the, "it's never nothing". Just hang in there, you will have good days, you will have confusing days, (better known as days when gaslighting happens) and there will be bad days. We all have them, we are all here for you. 

As for his timing, that's normal, they only want to make it easy on themselves. They will always choose a time when you are least expecting it, i.e. happy and relaxed, because stunned silence is
easier to deal with than the ass chewing they deserve.

Although there are days when I doubt my sanity or anger and bitterness get the better of me, the days when the "sun" shines is starting to happen more often. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will happen for you too. We are here, vent, rant and rage......sometimes share a happy thing. All of those are allowed here.
 

Last edited by JJ1966 (January 26, 2017 7:37 am)