I posted regularly a few years back, though I don't much now. After 24 years of marriage and 5 children, my GID spouse came out and left. To me, telling the children the reason their father left was essential. They were ages 8 - 20 when told. We straight spouses did not know the truth, and that crushed us. Telling my children has helped them to understand their lives.  Can you imagine being a child (even an adult child), assuming your parents have a good marriage, when all of a sudden the marriage ends abruptly? Can you imagine being a child thinking that nothing makes sense anymore? Children wonder and their incorrect guesses can cause all kinds of damage.

Knowing the truth has helped them understand both my struggles and their father's...how his struggle led to dishonest and selfish choices that affected all of us so deeply. They understood why I was angry and why I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and looked ill. They understood why I was in shock. They recognize that their father's disengaged detachment and depression had nothing to do with them or me. The kids and I struggled through those first years together. Those were heartbreaking years, full of unimaginable pain. I do not think we would have made it through had I not told the children the truth. No counseling or advice can help when a lie remains. I wanted my children to heal, so I told them the truth. Telling the truth is not outing someone when it is about them, too. I truly do not think my children would trust me as they do, had they not been told the truth. My children trust me completely.

I will say that it is extremely important that children be told carefully. If there is any type of LGBTQ bashing, that will come out as hateful. Hate never helps. I was hurt and angry and in shock. I did not handle everything perfectly, but I did my best. The one thing I know I did right was never condemn my ex for being gay. I was angry at his deceit our entire marriage. That hurt the children as much as it h

Heartbroken,
I am so sorry for your struggle. My ex came out after 24 years of marriage and 5 children. The ups and downs and cognitive dissonance can make you crazy! I was in complete shock for about one year. You are most likely in shock, as well. and may be incapable of thinking clearly. Looking back, I know that I was unable to think clearly. The emotional struggle will be long. My ex came out 5 years ago. I am doing better, but I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness, bitterness, and distrust.

Financially, he should owe you spousal support, and you will need it. The best decision I made was to find a lawyer. I did not want to fight about money and made the decision to let a professional handle that. Do this as soon as you can. My ex had always been kind, hard-working, and generous. His entire personality and demeanor changed after he came out. He went from, "I will always be there for you and the kids" to a complete stranger who wouldn't even help with the children's medical bills. I never would have imagined he could act like that. A lawyer will help you make reasonable decisions.

I know 2 things: 
1. My ex is a stranger to me. I never really knew him.
2. Do not expect a coming out spouse to act reasonably. They mostly seem to go into a downward spiral when first coming out after decades of hiding. That is a pattern that shows up too often. I am convinced that lying to one's self and others for decades changes the brain. Do not assume you are dealing with a healthy, reasonable person. 5 years after disclosure, my ex now sometimes acts reasonably. However, it has become clear to me that he really doesn't care about me and hardly knows our children. In fact, he moved almost 4 hours away, choosing to be with his boyfriend, instead of near his own children! He was only physically present in our marriage. Mentally, he never truly wanted to be there. 

This network was the only place where anyone understood what I was going through. I am better off becau

Hi janett747,

I am about 5 years farther along in my journey and have read enough on this site to know that the behaviors from a coming out GID spouse follow patterns. I was married 24 years and had 5 children with my ex. The downward spiral that accompanies coming out after being GID causes horrible trauma for the straight spouse and any children. Here is what I've learned:

I should have listened to myself. I had instincts of what I should do when my GID ex-spouse said, "I have same sex attraction." I didn't listen to myself.  Instead, I grasped at straws: I tried couples counseling which caused more trauma (to myself and my children). I tried to figure out how we could still stay married.  I joined a site for couples that stay together post-disclosure. It seems so very clear now: a marriage between a straight person and a gay person is not a marriage. Of course, that is completely unclear during the shock phase of first realizing that your spouse is GID. Had I recognized the patterns and listened to my instincts, I could have avoided further horrid trauma for myself and my sweet children and begun the healing process sooner.

A GID person does not love themselves as they are, 100%. If they did, they would not be in denial. They might or might not choose to stay in the closet, but they would stop being in denial and dishonest with a straight spouse. A GID person is incapable of selfless, honest love in a marriage.  A GID person learns to lie at such a level that they believe it themselves. This makes the marriage based on a lie.

Just as the behaviors of the GID person follow patterns, so do the behaviors of the straight spouse. Please, consider going back and rereading what you wrote here. If you highlight the portions of what you just wrote, I think you might see that you are very close to making a decision. I think you know for yourself the answers to all the questions you wrote in your post here. 

Longwayhome: You mentioned that you feel "much of the fog has lifted." My timeline was similar: I barely remember anything from the first 11-12 months post disclosure. I remember shocking behaviors of my ex, but I don't remember anything of everyday life with my children. They call it, "The year that Mom can't remember."

I'm 5 years post-disclosure now. As many here have mentioned, the rollercoaster ride continues and tidal waves keep coming, but they sometimes start getting smaller and farther apart. I hope you feel progress as you forge ahead. I still have work to do on myself, but I'm certainly far better off than I was 5 years ago. Honestly, I don't know how any of us make it through those early stages. All the best to you.

OOHC...My first thought to your posts is, "Holy Cow! She hit the nail on the head...again."

You have made so many points that are enlightening to me. I won't repeat your points, as you express yourself much better than I. Being able to see something that makes sense to me, in writing, is invaluable to me. You are truly gifted with written expression, along with insights that only another straight spouse might have. I am going to print your responses. They are already helping me, and I will continue to reread. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart.