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1 of 1- Heartbroken49
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New and struggling
Hi everyone I am new to the forum as a couple of months ago I found out my husband of 30+yrs is gay. I am struggling to cope. He told me he was struggling with something and he needed time, so I bent over backwards to let him know I was there for him that I was worried about his mental health, I comforted him, told him I would always be here through anything, because I didn’t know the bombshell he was about to drop. I feel like such an idiot. I was in shock, didn’t really ask him any questions and as soon as I found out I asked him to leave, which he did within 2 weeks. He played the victim in that time, and since, and I gave him all the sympathy, not asking any difficult questions, I was only thinking about his well-being. He asked for my help setting him up, buying furniture, and everything else he needed, which I stupidly did. He is still using me for his own gain and I just can’t seem to say no to him. When I asked him when he knew he said, probably always but just couldn’t accept it, and it was only when both our mother’s died that he felt he could be himself. He says he’s only flirted but wants to take the next step, that I should be grateful he didn’t go further as there was plenty of opportunities. In the last few years he never allowed me to work, saying he was providing for us all so there was no need, but now he’s left, leaving me with a mortgage and bills while he is spending frivolously. I am furious but when I say anything I’m made out as the bad guy, if I ask any questions he doesn’t like he gets angry and leaves. I have managed to get a part time job but it’s not enough, I know I will eventually get more but it’s worrying me. I was always open minded about gay rights and people being allowed to be themselves etc but now all I see is gay relationships on tv and Pride everywhere and my stomach churns, I hate that I feel this way as everyone should be allowed to be who they are. He wants to stay friends but I think this is just so I give him help when he needs it. I try to limit contact, only texting him when necessary. I don’t really have anyone to speak to as I don’t have any family and he sectioned me off from all my friends years ago. I don’t want to go for counselling and where I stay I don’t see any resources for this anyway. To be honest he was my everything, even though we have had no sexual contact in years - he was stressed out at work etc which I fell for, giving him all the space he wanted. I just keep thinking of all the lies and deception and I can’t stop crying. We have a grown up child who lives with me but still sees him, and he uses the “sympathy card” with them too, he just has that personality that everyone falls for. He has portrayed himself as the fantastic family man and his charm still has everyone fooled, they see past what he has done to me, branding him “brave”. I feel so isolated in my own thoughts, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore, I was the “needed one” and now I feel useless. I have read nearly all the posts on here and see that things get better. I think I just needed to vent to people who, unfortunately have been through similar experiences. Only his family knows, and I know some of them are stunned, but he’s their brother so won’t say anything. I have no one who is completely on my side. He texts asking for favours, but not once has asked how I’m coping, financially or emotionally. He has told our child he is actively looking for a “connection” I am horrified, hurt, how can someone you have been with since childhood treat someone like this ? He has isolated me from people for years, so now I have no confidence. I feel unworthy, used, a total failure, Any advice ?
- Abby
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Re: New and struggling
Gather all your financial documents, make copies and start looking for an attorney to advise you. Actions have consequences and you need to know what your rights are under the laws where you reside. My husband like yours came out of the closet after 30+ years of marriage and the deaths of his parents. His idea of what he would give me as a settlement was much less than what a court would consider fair and having a strong advocate for your future is vital so you can focus on getting through each day.
The more you you do to protect yourself the stronger you will become. You will love yourself more as you stop doing things for him that you don't want to do. Think back to what you used to enjoy before or outside of this relationship with him and what might bring you happiness again. Maybe just taking a walk in nature.
Welcome to this club that no one wanted to join. When they leave it can feel like a death without a funeral, casseroles or insurance. The only thing to do though is to keep on living and having new experiences.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- jkpeace
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Re: New and struggling
Heartbroken,
I am so sorry for your struggle. My ex came out after 24 years of marriage and 5 children. The ups and downs and cognitive dissonance can make you crazy! I was in complete shock for about one year. You are most likely in shock, as well. and may be incapable of thinking clearly. Looking back, I know that I was unable to think clearly. The emotional struggle will be long. My ex came out 5 years ago. I am doing better, but I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness, bitterness, and distrust.
Financially, he should owe you spousal support, and you will need it. The best decision I made was to find a lawyer. I did not want to fight about money and made the decision to let a professional handle that. Do this as soon as you can. My ex had always been kind, hard-working, and generous. His entire personality and demeanor changed after he came out. He went from, "I will always be there for you and the kids" to a complete stranger who wouldn't even help with the children's medical bills. I never would have imagined he could act like that. A lawyer will help you make reasonable decisions.
I know 2 things:
1. My ex is a stranger to me. I never really knew him.
2. Do not expect a coming out spouse to act reasonably. They mostly seem to go into a downward spiral when first coming out after decades of hiding. That is a pattern that shows up too often. I am convinced that lying to one's self and others for decades changes the brain. Do not assume you are dealing with a healthy, reasonable person. 5 years after disclosure, my ex now sometimes acts reasonably. However, it has become clear to me that he really doesn't care about me and hardly knows our children. In fact, he moved almost 4 hours away, choosing to be with his boyfriend, instead of near his own children! He was only physically present in our marriage. Mentally, he never truly wanted to be there.
This network was the only place where anyone understood what I was going through. I am better off because of the support I found here.
Last edited by jkpeace (June 7, 2021 12:55 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: New and struggling
Heartbroken,
I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please take a look at the First Aid Kit (first post of this thread) if you haven’t already:
Heartbroken49 wrote:
He played the victim in that time, and since, and I gave him all the sympathy, not asking any difficult questions, I was only thinking about his well-being. He asked for my help setting him up, buying furniture, and everything else he needed, which I stupidly did. He is still using me for his own gain and I just can’t seem to say no to him. When I asked him when he knew he said, probably always but just couldn’t accept it, and it was only when both our mother’s died that he felt he could be himself
I had a 20 year marriage to a gay man in the closet. My late GIDXH stopped having sex with me a year into the marriage. He said marriage had caused repressed memories of sexual abuse as a child to resurface. Sex was traumatic all of a sudden. Weekly therapy did nothing to improve it. He had many pity play stories as the years went on. They all led to him not working. I assume he did these things to use me as his ATM.
He never outed himself. I snapped one day and threw him out.
In the last few years he never allowed me to work, saying he was providing for us all so there was no need, but now he’s left, leaving me with a mortgage and bills while he is spending frivolously. I am furious but when I say anything I’m made out as the bad guy, if I ask any questions he doesn’t like he gets angry and leaves. I have managed to get a part time job but it’s not enough, I know I will eventually get more but it’s worrying me.
I second Abby and jkpeace’s wise advice about consulting attorneys for your financial rights. The first hour consultation is free. If in the US, memorize his Social Security Number, date of birth, birthplace and his mother’s maiden name. Scan his driver’s license or Passport. Those comes in handy for joint accounts with financial institutions.
He texts asking for favours, but not once has asked how I’m coping, financially or emotionally. He has told our child he is actively looking for a “connection” I am horrified, hurt, how can someone you have been with since childhood treat someone like this ? He has isolated me from people for years, so now I have no confidence. I feel unworthy, used, a total failure, Any advice ?
Many people suggest telling the difficult spouse you’re open to communication through email only; you will answer important emails only. Texts and calls demand attention and throw recipients off track. I react like that, especially if hearing from a toxic person.
The difficult spouse may continue the texts regardless. Some people suggest blocking the number.
I was isolated from others by my GIDXH too. It’s not easy and COVID lockdown is especially challenging. Do you have a chapter of the Straight Spouse Network near you? Many have meetings & you can connect with others going through TGT.
It does get better with time, hard work and seeking support. I still have my off-days four years after the divorce & his death. It’s to be expected considering he presented himself as a straight responsible adult to snag me. All along, he was a greedy gay man who had the emotional depth of a teen.
Please post here as often as you need.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
Best,
Maria
Last edited by MJM017 (June 7, 2021 1:28 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Rob
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Re: New and struggling
Heartbroken,
They do isolate us. Reach out to as many friends and family as you can..even if far away or you have not spoken them in years.
I found I had allowed her to isolate me from family and friends..I reached out and told them how sorry I was for not keeping in touch..
You are not useless or unworthy...these spouses just speak that over us. You are kind, loving and trustworthy. You are empathetic and loyal. You/we are really more than these spouses can comphrehend. Do not jump on his bandwagon.. Start build your support system..friends, family, therapist priest/pastor, psychiatrist. Know that none of this is your fault.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Heartbroken49
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Re: New and struggling
I cannot thank you all enough for the support you have given me today. I have been with him since I was 14, so I don’t know any other life than with him. I think this is why I am struggling so much. The false promises he made are really hitting home. We always said we would be together forever, but his desires have taken over. This truly sickens me as I have went without physical or emotional connections with him for decades, now finding out he has been flirting with other men for years. I have no words for this betrayal. I really don’t recognise this new person who I try to stay civil with for the sake of our child. I know they realise he has done wrong, but they still want his love and affection and the promises he is making to them. I don’t want to constantly be the one who is warning them his words mean nothing. I would rather he just left us alone and we will make a better life for ourselves, without him, but they want to think he is a decent human, and I don’t want to be negative towards him, to them., although sometimes I can’t help myself. There is no SSN groups or any type of group to discuss TGT here, it’s all very PC that we have to be accepting, especially this month, ( pride) but all your kind words have helped so much, so thanks again.
- •
Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: New and struggling
Please vent away here anytime you want or need. It’s helped me a lot. All of us have been through the same mindf*ck. It’s no picnic, to say the least.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: New and struggling
Your statement that you "don't know any other life than with him" hits home with me. I was not 14, but I was married to my now-ex 32 years before he "came out" to me (as transgender--that difference is why I held back on commenting earlier), so I know that feeling of "this is all I know" and the devastation of realizing the toll that deception took, the years and opportunities for a happier marriage lost. The false promises, the deception, the betrayal from the very person who made you a commitment and promise--it does strike at the center of your being.
I understand the feeling of just wanting to flee and get away. But it is very important that he be held accountable to you, and that is something a lawyer can ensure happens. Apart from your feelings about what has happened, there are laws governing marriage and divorce, and right now you need the legal system to help you redress the wrong that has been done to you by ensuring that you are treated fairly in your divorce, as you were not in your marriage. Please see an attorney to determine what your rights are under the law. Do not let your divorce be as one-sided and abusive as your marriage.
We here are "completely on [your] side." We understand what you are going through, and what you are feeling.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 7, 2021 7:41 pm)