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October 4, 2022 9:11 pm  #1

closeted husband dating again

Well...what I never thought would happen.  I just found out tonight that my ex is now dating a woman (one I know, and who was in fact years ago a student in a couple of my college courses).  I doubt he's told her about his secret life.  I am trying to absorb this information, and to decide whether to reveal what I know.  I have always said that I would not stay silent if he were ever to deceive another woman.  


October 4, 2022 10:18 pm  #2

Re: closeted husband dating again


I haven’t posted in such a long time, but we have been on this journey together for years. I would be so incredibly angry. How dare he again engage in a deceptive relationship! You think clearly, so I support whatever you decide. My first instinct is always to go with truth. If you are telling the truth out of compassion for this woman, I don’t see how that can be a bad choice. Of course, what this woman does with the information is completely up to her. That is out of your control.

I would make a decision, reflect on it a very short bit, follow through…and then go take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself to not let this new situation erode any of the progress you’ve made.


October 4, 2022 10:48 pm  #3

Re: closeted husband dating again


I would suggest telling her.  Perhaps consider doing it anonymously. You don't want to get tangled up with your ex in another drama of his making in case this new friend tells him it was you who said it.   Continuing no contact is the best for your sanity.  No reason to give him/them/or whatever ammo for a smear campaign. Stay away from the ex.

My GIDXH had a female love interest a week after he was removed from my home. It was a bizarre choice but made it clear how scary and messed up he was. Good riddance to him forever.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 5, 2022 6:45 am  #4

Re: closeted husband dating again

It sounds as if this woman may be significantly younger than your ex. That places her is a less-than-equal position in this relationship and for that reason you would be doing a good deed to inform her of his secret.
I agree that you need to do it anonymously and to avoid any contact with your ex. .

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

October 5, 2022 7:12 am  #5

Re: closeted husband dating again

Thanks (and lovely to hear from you again jkpeace) for your support.  

I am indeed incredibly angry, jk, and feel just as you say: how DARE he mislead another woman?!?!   But of course I know how he dares...he is disordered and thinks nothing of anyone else's feelings or indeed rights, only of what he wants.   That I have a history with this woman (she was my student, she was also for a time a friend) and that we as a family have a history with her (she was at one time our son's violin teacher) increases my anger--she's not merely a stranger who has gotten involved with my ex but someone I know and care about.  So I am angry in general and also specifically on her behalf!

I will also admit, however, that my anger is not simply noble in intent (to give her the full picture he has denied her of what she's walking into).  I am angry at my ex and also myself, because I have kept my ex's secret--I have not, for example, told our adult son the truth about the underlying cause of our divorce--and I am furious at my ex and at myself that I have kept this secret, because I have enabled my ex to have an unchanged relationship with my son rather than forcing him to renegotiate his relationship with our son in light of the truth.  That I told my son I would tell him the truth if he wanted to know it--and he chose not to know--does not fully discharge, in my view, my culpability, because in essence I opted to continue carrying my ex's secret for him and free him from the consequences of the disclosure of the truth on the relationship my ex has with my son.  I didn't do this so much as to "protect" our son as I did because I was browbeat by my ex at the time of our separation.  It doesn't matter to me that I have been unhappy with this compromise and course of action ever since.  The bottom line is that I have been complicit in keeping my ex's secret.  And so now I feel complicit in this newest deception.  

 My feelings are many and complicated:

I am outraged that he is willing to deceive another woman;

I feel guilty for helping him continue to live untruthfully;

I also feel personally betrayed once again: I kept his secret, and he now trades on my silence to deceive another woman.  At some level I think I felt I had an unspoken and one-sided (meaning on my side only) understanding that I would stay silent as long as he stayed single. 

I wanted his secret life to mean he would not take up with another woman, an expectation I never put to him and that he never agreed to, and clearly rejects.  It was, I guess, in essence a bargain I made with myself, and one I never expected to have to confront.  His secret life is to him no barrier to getting himself another woman, another woman he is perfectly willing to keep in the dark about a hidden sexuality that warps his behavior and makes intimacy in an intimate relationship a sham. 

In addition to feeling righteously angry he would deceive another woman, I feel once again personally rejected and humiliated by being "replaced," as if "replacing" me were a public announcement of my failure as a wife (when it was his failure that caused our 35 year marriage to end), especially after keeping his secret from our son.  All those old feelings of being rejected and discarded in favor of a secret life focused on making love to himself as a woman--I wasn't even woman enough to "compete" with his imaginary woman!  He preferred dressing in women's lingerie to actual flesh and blood me, so what does that say about me?--have been brought to the fore.

 I don't know what I'll decide to do.  The alternatives run the gamut from scorched earth (telling both the woman and our son) to ceding the field and simply getting on with my life.   

 The timing is awful, too: my mother, for whom I was the primary caretaker in the family for the past three years, died three weeks ago (I was with her when she died).  I am carrying enough sorrow...and now this.  
These disordered spouses are truly the unwanted gift that goes on giving, aren't they?

Abby and MJM: I doubt that I could inform the woman and stay anonymous.  I'll give some thought to that, however.   (The woman, Abby, is not younger.  At the time I taught her, she was the wife of another professor and using the university's education benefit to earn her degree.  So at least there's that sorted.)

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 5, 2022 7:29 am)

     Thread Starter

October 5, 2022 9:17 am  #6

Re: closeted husband dating again

*giant virtual hug*

I know the feelings of inadequacy and humiliation. I'm smack dab in the middle of them right now as I'm at the beginning of him walking out. When my brother and his girlfriend made the snarky comments about me....I just felt small and humiliated. To know people out there are just making fun of me.

I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing. At this point, I am not at the point of being able to handle him dating.....and if it was a woman.....I don't even know what I would do, but that would put me in a dark place. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. My grandma passed 2 days after my gay husband made the announcement. It was such a difficult time. 

I agree with you. This whole situation really is the gift that keeps on giving.


October 5, 2022 1:00 pm  #7

Re: closeted husband dating again

Send her the link to this website. Tell her your profile name here. Actually send her the link to all your comment history so she reads the pertinent parts with a short paragraph about why you're doing this
If she is younger she'll be very social-media savvy and need clear proof of what
may sound and read like sour grapes.

Edited to say... Why hide? If you want to be believed...you can't/shouldn't be anonymous in today's world in my opinion


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 5, 2022 1:06 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

October 5, 2022 1:21 pm  #8

Re: closeted husband dating again

Jk... hope you are doing well.


I can sense the anger and more hurt in your post.

And yet..  he is still in the closet and operating/living as he always was...this you know. They do not change..living so long as they were..they know no other way.
It's a scary thing.. how comfortable  they are in their lying and hurting..dont even think twice about hurting someone else.  This you see.

I would thank God profusely for getting you away from him.  As you see him do this again it is a trauma and a moral injustice you see.  Yet I'm not sure you should tell her or confront him..this is a form of contact..it violates the Golden rule of NO CONTACT..not your circus etc.   I would not go explicitly out of my way to tell her.  It's a sad thing moral thing.   

However, should you meet her ..and it may be far in the future..if you were to ask her if he was still doing gay things?   That would not be a form of explicit contact.

So sorry.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

October 5, 2022 1:26 pm  #9

Re: closeted husband dating again

Well, she wasn't born yesterday so I retract my advice about doing a good deed. Since there is no way to keep from revealing your identity and thus being sucked into the vortex I suggest that for your own health you practice self-preservation and thank goodness that you are enlightened and free,


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

October 5, 2022 2:26 pm  #10

Re: closeted husband dating again

I assumed she was young, too.  Why not send her the link to Chump Lady? Use a throwaway gmail account - heez.got.problemz@gmail.com. It informs her and keeps you anonymous. OOHC, you deserve peace and good things in your life. You did nothing wrong in your marriage. You always did your best.

I'd suggest not paying attention to your ex. I know you know that you can't control his crazy, hurtful actions. I am assuming he will be like this the rest of his life.  How long will you pay attention to him?

The romantic interest of my late GIDXH dumped him quickly. He wrote me she was a gold digger. Obviously, transference. She was older and figured out she latched on to a losing cause. I never warned her.

You may want to tell your son about his father's secret.  It may help you and your son.

PS My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother.

Last edited by MJM017 (October 5, 2022 3:05 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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