See a lawyer and find out how that process works in your jurisdiction. As for the home situation, I think that depends on how you think he will react. If there's the likely hood of him becoming angry or ruthless about it, you might want to plan as much ahead as possible before making any changes or announcement.

All the best with whatever path you choose.

If I were you I'd stop going to therapy if it doesn't help you see a clear path to a brighter future

Elle

jkpeace wrote:

Hi janett747,

I am about 5 years farther along in my journey and have read enough on this site to know that the behaviors from a coming out GID spouse follow patterns. I was married 24 years and had 5 children with my ex. The downward spiral that accompanies coming out after being GID causes horrible trauma for the straight spouse and any children. Here is what I've learned:

I should have listened to myself. I had instincts of what I should do when my GID ex-spouse said, "I have same sex attraction." I didn't listen to myself.  Instead, I grasped at straws: I tried couples counseling which caused more trauma (to myself and my children). I tried to figure out how we could still stay married.  I joined a site for couples that stay together post-disclosure. It seems so very clear now: a marriage between a straight person and a gay person is not a marriage. Of course, that is completely unclear during the shock phase of first realizing that your spouse is GID. Had I recognized the patterns and listened to my instincts, I could have avoided further horrid trauma for myself and my sweet children and begun the healing process sooner.

A GID person does not love themselves as they are, 100%. If they did, they would not be in denial. They might or might not choose to stay in the closet, but they would stop being in denial and dishonest with a straight spouse. A GID person is incapable of selfless, honest love in a marriage.  A GID person learns to lie at such a level that they believe it themselves. This makes the marriage based on a lie.

Just as the behaviors of the GID person follow patterns, so do the behaviors of the straight spouse. Please, consider going back and rereading what you wrote here. If you highlight the portions of what you just wrote, I think you might see that you are very close to making a decision. I think you know for yourself the answers to all the questions you wrote in your post here. 

Hi, thanks so much for replying. I agree 100% with everything you wrote. I think some difficulty though is that my spouse has not come out and said he’s gay, he minimizes his cross dressing thoughts and actions. So, he’s not going to understand or go along with my decision to divorce, he’s going to fight it every step of the way. I thought perhaps counseling would help prepare him or maybe even help him see we shouldn’t be together. But he is holding on tight and nothing is getting through to him. I’m curious if at what point your ex accepted your separation?
 

Just as so many others say here: our friends and I thought we had a wonderful marriage. My spouse did not just cheerfully and clearly come out one day. He came out a little, went back in, gaslighted, lied to himself, lied to me. Acted horrible, said inconsistent things. Did the "honeymoon phase" thing, which gave me false hope. I'd hope the marriage could work, then realize it was a mess, then hope again, then be confused again. He decided he wasn't really gay at all. This was a long struggle. When I finally realized that he was gay, I started telling him that. He would scream and yell and tell me to stop saying that word ("gay") to him.  I even once said, "If you're even 1% attracted to women, we can make this work." I find that to be a delusional and strange sentence now, but I really thought that for a time. I realized that I knew he was gay, whether he ever said those words or not.

I was hanging onto a marriage I thought we had, until I realized that our marriage was never based on true 100% knowing of each other. That's not a marriage. To me, a marriage should be truly knowing and truly loving. I never knew him at all. On top of that, he was never himself with me. That is no kind of marriage. One of the biggest reasons I finally ended the marriage was for my children. I did Not want them to think their parents had a healthy marriage, when we didn't. It wasn't based in truth.

This has not been easy. The financial struggle has been hard. Being a single mother has been hard, but I am proud of myself and my children. We know the truth and are healing. I will say that my youngest has had the easiest time with his father. He was lied to for a shorter time. My children know the truth. I respect them too much to not tell them the truth. It has helped in their healing.

I hoped he would "pick me; pick us"...until I realized I knew what I had to do. I could not wait for a person in denial to decide my future or my children's future. One of us had to see clearly. A GID person is not in a healthy state. Don't rely on him to think clearly or make any decisions that you need to make for yourself.

By the way, my ex was acting so erratically during his "sort of coming out phase" that I was granted sole custody. He didn't even show up at the court on the date of the final divorce.

Janet747,
I know the feeling...when we were divorcing and met with the parenting person for the court.. she basically told this stranger what a bad father I was..incapable of taking care of the kids.   That had to be the lowest point in my life on this earth.. after years of taking care of the kids, staying up with them to let her sleep etc..she had no problem lying to someone right in front of me...my tears did not diswade her..  its a horrible feeling when they lie and distort reality.   You give him too much credit saying its his reality..when we know in our bones they know they are lying.

If you think he is a person like this the only thing I can suggest is to get away.  You may not be able to get full custody but your kid will still have a strong, sane, unabused parent 50% or more of the time.   That is worth more than what he's doing to you both now.

Wishing you strength and fortitude on your journey.