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January 9, 2023 9:17 pm  #1


Telling the kids...

The time is coming that my LW wants to inform our late teen children that we are getting divorced. She does not, however, want to tell them why. She wants it to be a separate conversation that SHE determines the time & place. I vehemently disagree. I believe the kids deserve to know the what AND the why, simultaneously, and that their father does not agree, nor has anything to do with the decision. It's coming in the next few months, so any experience/wisdom/advice my fellow forum members can provide, I'd very much appreciate. Thank you.

 

January 9, 2023 9:31 pm  #2


Re: Telling the kids...

She can tell them anything she likes. It's her story. Just as you can tell them yours
It's not just her story to tell is what I mean.

My partner and I are still together but I told both our children (early 20s) my situation 3 or 4 years ago

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 9, 2023 10:15 pm  #3


Re: Telling the kids...

They never want to tell, they just want to do what they want to do without having any consequences.  

I say she doesn't get to determine the time and place, or the story.  As Ellexoh says, it's your story, too, because it's your life. You are right that your children need to know the why.  And it's important to your relationship with your children that they know the why, and that you don't like it, either.  Your children are old enough to hear the truth.

 My son was an adult when I called it quits (five years ago).  I allowed my now-ex to browbeat me into not telling the whole truth (I said, "People don't get divorced after 30 years for no reason.  There's an issue that has to do with your father.  You can ask him about it, but I already know he isn't going to tell you and will say, instead, "Some things are private."  If you want to know, you can ask me."  My son chose not to ask/know.  

I very much wish I'd told the truth at the time I left.  In my silence I continue to carry the burden of my ex's secret, and what hasn't been said is a barrier between me and my son.  

If there's one thing we've all suffered from, it's our partners keeping secrets from us.  Secrets are corrosive, and honest the best policy.  Honesty also prevents your spouse from bending the truth later or concocting a self-serving narrative.  

 

January 10, 2023 7:09 pm  #4


Re: Telling the kids...

She wants to tell the kids you're getting a divorce but not tell them why, and exclude you from the conversation?  HELL NO.  What she wants is to lie to the kids by omitting the real reason (i.e., she's a lesbian), and will probably lie even further by saying stuff like you two "grew apart" or you were a bad husband and try go get away with it because you are not there.

You tell the kids the truth.  If she wanted to live a closeted life, she could have chosen not to marry you and have kids with you.  She dragged you and the kids in there, and you are all allowed to get out.
 

 

January 11, 2023 11:42 pm  #5


Re: Telling the kids...

Dear All:
Thank you so much for the helpful responses. They are all in line with what my intuition is telling me is the right approach. I've bent to her will for long enough. Our kids absolutely need to know the why, & that I'm not to blame for this. I've told her previously that I won't lie to them, I won't spin some golden yarn for her sake. I've covered for her long enough. If she wants out, then it's on her, & she has to own up to it with our children. Honesty is, as was said previously, the best policy. I'm done with the veil of secrecy.

     Thread Starter
 

January 19, 2023 6:40 pm  #6


Re: Telling the kids...

I don't know your situation, but I have some thoughts. My lesbian wife and I just had this conversation as well. Our oldest teens know she isn't straight, but that's it. She said she was ready to tell our kids that she's lesbian. I asked if she wanted to do that together or separately. She wants to tell them that herself, when it works, probably in the next couple weeks. If the kids ask about how it will affect our marriage, we're both telling them that we're working that out. IMO, her sexuality is hers to explain and I'm supportive of that. I asked for her to tell me when she tells them so I know and can respond to them, knowing that they know.

When it comes to our separation/divorce, that's a conversation we'll have with them together. We both feel that having one conversation about both subjects would have a number of bad effects on our kids. 1- Their mom being gay (something she can't control and isn't at fault for- and it isn't wrong or bad) would be associated with our divorce and their loss. It could send a message that their mom is to blame for their family changing. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't need to be seen as a victim by my kids, 2- If any of our kids could be gay, guess what that association could do? Drive them into a closet, leading them to get married to hide and perpetuating this awful cycle. Or at the very least, make them feel shame about themselves when they shouldn't. 

Kids from divorced homes suffer when their parents can't get along and there's animosity. When parents make an effort to get along, kids do much, much better. It's my opinion, though it's extraordinarily hard, that our kids being okay is far more important than them blaming the "right" parent. Consider taking the higher road. Your pain, grief, and disappointment are completely justified. Your anger at the situation is too. You may want to consider something- if one of your kids is gay or has gay friends, this may turn them completely against you, or worse, tell them that you feel about them the way you feel about your wife. Is that what you want?

I wish you the best.

 

January 19, 2023 10:16 pm  #7


Re: Telling the kids...

2717 - I just want to point out something that I am happy you have not experienced, but unfortunately a lot of us have.

You and your spouse are currently able to work together. Your wife didn't cheat on you. Lie to you. Manipulate you. You are having open conversations and working it out. Your wife also didn't try to turn the kids against you and make you the "bad" parent.

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. And no, you don't have to let your spouse control the story, as you are very much a part of it yourself. Just because your spouse came to this realization that they're gay doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

When it comes to kids, no, you do not want to drag them into adult issues. And your focus is also on their well-being. But calmly explaining your side of the situation in an age appropriate way, while not being negative about your spouse is justified.

Also - I have yet to see anyone on this forum that "hates gay people" or blames people for being gay. I have also yet to see anyone who focuses solely on the spouse being gay and telling their children that they hate their spouse cuz they're gay. 

What I have seen are examples of these straight spouses supporting their children in their sexuality, because the opposite is true, they want their child to be comfortable, able to talk to them, and support them so the very thing that happened to them doesn't happen to someone else with their child.

These straight spouses know the mind fuck that is this process. And I don't care whether you are gay or straight, sleeping with someone else (whatever the sex/gender) is cheating. Using your spouse as a cover for your lies is wrong. Telling your spouse how much you love them, while not meaning it, is wrong.

In this process, something that has really ticked me off is that if you say anything about your feelings, someone is accusing you of being homophobic, anti-gay, repressing, or pushing gay people into the closet. 

I was an unwilling participant in his games. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna take the abuse of people telling me all about how he gets to live his "true life as his true self". And then get lectured on how I'm somehow hurting the gay community for sharing my own side of the story and not just rolling over and taking it. Cuz what was I for 2 decades then? Considering he knew for awhile, used me, and then discarded me like a piece of trash. 

And, I work with the LGBTQ population frequently, and sadly it's a behaviour I have come to learn is not uncommon. Sadly, I've even seen some who actually enjoy the deception. It's not ok. And straight spouses already get the short end of the stick in all this if we aren't "supportive enough" in our spouse coming out.

I am happy for those where it does work out, and remains amicable, and you can continue to talk and work things out. But I was left as a shell of who I was and suffered a ridiculous amount of emotional and psychological abuse. And if I want to talk about it, I will. Because I'm tired of being made to feel ashamed for how I feel.

I call bullshit. Because, I know plenty of gay people that didn't marry a straight person and use them. They didn't destroy other people's lives to get what they wanted.

 

January 21, 2023 12:00 am  #8


Re: Telling the kids...

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I don't know your situation, but I have some thoughts. My lesbian wife and I just had this conversation as well. Our oldest teens know she isn't straight, but that's it. She said she was ready to tell our kids that she's lesbian. I asked if she wanted to do that together or separately. She wants to tell them that herself, when it works, probably in the next couple weeks. If the kids ask about how it will affect our marriage, we're both telling them that we're working that out. IMO, her sexuality is hers to explain and I'm supportive of that. I asked for her to tell me when she tells them so I know and can respond to them, knowing that they know.

When it comes to our separation/divorce, that's a conversation we'll have with them together. We both feel that having one conversation about both subjects would have a number of bad effects on our kids. 1- Their mom being gay (something she can't control and isn't at fault for- and it isn't wrong or bad) would be associated with our divorce and their loss. It could send a message that their mom is to blame for their family changing. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't need to be seen as a victim by my kids, 2- If any of our kids could be gay, guess what that association could do? Drive them into a closet, leading them to get married to hide and perpetuating this awful cycle. Or at the very least, make them feel shame about themselves when they shouldn't. 

Kids from divorced homes suffer when their parents can't get along and there's animosity. When parents make an effort to get along, kids do much, much better. It's my opinion, though it's extraordinarily hard, that our kids being okay is far more important than them blaming the "right" parent. Consider taking the higher road. Your pain, grief, and disappointment are completely justified. Your anger at the situation is too. You may want to consider something- if one of your kids is gay or has gay friends, this may turn them completely against you, or worse, tell them that you feel about them the way you feel about your wife. Is that what you want?

I wish you the best.

I appreciate your perspective as well as the willingness to share your story. It's interesting to see how some stories turn out differently for others in similar situations. I wish you the best with your family.

Still, on my end, I've been with my wife for THIRTY years, we've lived a great deal together as a team (I thought), & our previously shared faith (she's moved to "affirming theology") neither countenances a gay lifestyle, nor divorcing ones spouse just to sow wild oats. My children have been raised to believe the same, so I'd expect them to obey the Word of God, not the ever-shifting whims of popular culture. In my view, I have indeed been victimized in this situation, after years of deception. What is more, I believe what she is doing is both immoral & reckless, given she KNOWS she may well alienate our children with her "news." If I had decided to end our marriage, so I might seek out younger women with whom to consort--my wife & family be damned--I'd be reviled! Yet, somehow, because of her sexuality, she gets a pass? No sir! The moment she elected to end our marriage to gratify her selfish desires, whatever the cost, she gave up any personal claim to her "truth." It's mine now, too, & my children deserve to know what their mother is willing to do to all of us in the throes of her self-absorption.

I've been victimized, but I'm not a victim. I will show faith, strength, & steadfastness in the face of this, so my children can see that modeled for them. They must ultimately decide their relationship with her in the future. That's their prerogative. As for me, I will deeply mourn the woman I fell in love with so long ago, for she is no more. She's been taken from me as surely as if she'd passed. Like any widower, I must now find a way to piece together the remnant tatters of my life, so my children can depend on me without question. With God's help, I will do that.

     Thread Starter
 

January 23, 2023 2:24 pm  #9


Re: Telling the kids...

For both DeepWater and Anon, and anyone else who shares their sentiments,

Neither of you sound like to live in constant anger. Neither of you sound like you hate anyone. Some commenters do, and having read posts here for months before posting myself, going back a long way, I notice that many of the most frequent commenters are the people who tell others to be angry and write in a dehumanizing way. I attempted to balance that conversation. If I did that badly, I am very sorry. I've been with my wife for nearly 24 years and got married weeks after turning 20. I've had to question my entire adult life too. 

What do I know anyway? I'm trying and suffering, same as everyone. And regrettably I wasn't successful killing myself the other day, so maybe just read what I write with a grain of salt, consider if there's any value in it, and if not then let it go. I might be on here in a month full of anger and hate more than anyone. I'm just so fucking tired of the pain and anger and hurt. I'm tried of feeling this. Sometimes compassion helps everything.

 

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (January 23, 2023 2:26 pm)

 

January 24, 2023 8:07 am  #10


Re: Telling the kids...

2717,

Ah you mean your therapist comment..I wanted to say LOL..try to find a therapist who has knowledge of a straight spouse with a suddenly gay spouse..they just are hard to find.

On anger..even Jesus got angry at the merchants in the temple.  Sometimes anger is a normal response to morality that confounds us.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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