lily wrote:

 re are there other things to consider meantime - the main thing that sticks out to me is your daughter.  can you talk with her? 

the other thing I want to say is that as you get used to the situation, as you settle down, as you settle for what you have as you work out how to emotionally support yourself it becomes like, well I remember in my 40's thinking I'm glad we stayed together, this is not so bad but then it got worse again.  it was a subterranean manipulative sort of bullying and I learnt once you are okay, once you aren't making a fuss any more, the bar drops down further again.  And I think that is something people in MOMs do a lot - settle for what you have because it's not so bad, it's quite nice even and it's the familiar but then round the bend I would be back to feeling more miserable than ever and we could never reach that point of sweet sailing.  far from it,  I remember thinking (having seen that film with Kathy Bates) it was like I was being kneecapped when I got up and got going.

 

Hi lily & OfHC
Thanks for posting.  Lily, I will speak to my daughter, however, right now is not the right time. It's a 'play it by ear' situation at the moment.  If she asks, I will tell her. 
I have spoken to a work friend which really helped, especially given she experienced similar (albeit it was M/F).
Appreciate your comments re deadlines OfHC - I am working towards the year but realise this may change. Take care.
 

lily wrote:

my definition of bisexual is gay person who can manage to have sex with the opposite sex.

Exactly lily!
 

Hi everyone
3 weeks since 'bomb drop'.  Last week I was really struggling - emotions and feelings all over the place, very little sleep and the possibility of a new profile on the dating website (although I couldn't say for certain it was his).
Anyway, another 'discussion' on Saturday - TL;DR the usual obfuscation, blaming ('you've been this way for 30 years', 'it's depressing', 'I'm trying but what are you doing?', 'it's not all about you, you know').  Absolutely no recognition that there is an issue.
Basically he wants me to forget it (whatever 'it' was - TGT? The cheating? The lying? The gaslighting?) ever happened and move on - all the while supporting him (but not with TGT because that's not an issue!?).
BUT..I'm not prepared to do it!
So for the sake of my sanity and bearing in mind the whole global pandemic (we have a local lockdown at the moment), I've given myself a year to get things 'sorted' (both in my own head and practically).  As I said in another post, I think if anything is going to happen it'll be when my daughter moves into her own place - she's looking to do this next year.
At the moment I'm on the waiting list for (individual) counselling and I'm going to contact my GP for an appointment.  I had an appointment with my lawyer in February to discuss money/property issues.
I'd be interested to hear from those of you who have been in this situation and have made it to the 'other side' - are there other things I should be considering meantime?
Thanks in advance for any advice - I really appreciate it!
PS the 'new' profile was deleted an hour after our discussion.  Coincidence?
 

Hi Muss—The "honeymoon phase" in itself was a bit bi-polar...That's the best way I can describe it. Outwardly, I think things were good...and my husband and I seemed to be making more of an effort in our relationship in general...but inwardly, I would still find myself overwhelmed by various emotions...and I would wake in the middle of the night in tears.
Hi Julian..yes, that's it exactly! We're dancing around each other, being super polite and considerate, but inside I'm a total mess. Go to sleep crying, wake up crying, crying in random shops..I feel as if my heart is breaking.
I finally got to the point where I had to say enough is enough...and have begun focusing more on my work, hobbies, physical fitness, meditation, which has been helpful. I love my husband, but I hate this feeling like I'm playing a game of Russian roulette.
I contacted a local councilling service today, I've asked for individual councilling like you recommended (I don't think my husband would be interested anyway).  I'm on the waiting list, hopefully be able to speak to someone soon.

e anchor here is our young daughter. My husband didn't treat me the greatest during this "coming out" phase...It was like living with a pod person....and the deceit & dishonesty have really been difficult for me to get over....but I have zero evidence of infidelity (of any sort) and he hasn't asked for an open marriage (I'd dart out like a lightning bolt if he did)...so I stayed. But the more I read about bisexuality (and read the perspective of bisexual men, in particular) the more I think they'd live much more healthy, fulfilling lives with other bisexuals.
[color=#ff0000]I'm struggling with the deceit & dishonesty too, and I think having evidence makes it worse as it 'reinforces' the fact they've been keeping us in the dark for all this time.  You begin to lose a sense of reality. We went for a short break at the start of last month and (I thought) we both

januceyes1 wrote:

Kel's posts have been super helpful for me as well.
I have taken it all so personally - but more so in the way of "Damn, I must be pretty thick to not have seen this before.... I am an idiot who can't make her own decisions.... I can't leave him because..." yada yada yada. I can take the self-shame and whatnot. I have always been a bit insecure - this just deepened it. 
I don't think we're thick - we just trusted what the other person said/did.  For me, there was no indication 30 years ago that he was anything other than heterosexual.  My first red flag was discovering he'd been looking at gay porn some years ago..but..as I trusted him I took his reasons at face value. Maybe I should've done more, as every day I'm getting indications that it may've been going on since then.  Does that make me thick or an idiot for not?  I don't think so!  We are where we are at the moment - you can't live in the past. 
What I am REALLY struggling with is the "other shoe to drop" bit.
I literally JUST SAID that exact same thing to my sister. 
I am just waiting for the next thing that really throws him over the edge. He is hiding in his closet for now.. but when does the shoe drop and he is finally over being in there? When his mom dies and he doesn't feel the need to hide? When the kids are in college? When he finally falls for a man who fulfills that part of his life? When we move and our church is no longer filled with our mutual friends? 
It's eating me alive. 
[color=#ff0000]I got the feeling from our discussions that his mom dying in 2018 seems to have been a 'tipping point' for him. Maybe not so much in terms of 'hiding' (TGT..from her, although who knows?), more it's been about a re-evaluation of his life and what he wants from it.  The next 'tipping point' will likely be when our daughter leaves home next year..but..forewarned is forearmed as they say and I'm going to use this time wisely to prepare myself for what may

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