Chalizbet

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can tell you one thing based on the stories I’ve read here. There is a reason why he told you about his bisexuality. If you were enough and if he had no intention to act on it, why did he felt the need to tell you? He probably saw how sad and stressed this made you and promised you that he won’t act on it.

Chalizbet,
   I understand this feeling of yours, that you want desperately to prove you are enough.  I felt the same. I also did a version of what you contemplate; I accommodated, I helped, I involved myself in sexual activity that at some level I found "hot" because, I now think, it was a desperate attempt to stay relevant.  I wanted my husband to love me, I wanted to think that my husband had loved me, that I was enough, that I was worth loving.  
   I can tell you, however, that it was a huge mistake on my part to accommodate him, and only let me in for years more of pain and heartbreak.  
   The best--and hardest--thing you can do is to break it off, and to get away.  

Chalizbet, your feeling of not being enough will only get worse if you stay.  By the time I left, my ex had me feeling guilty about my basic needs.  I can’t predict the future but the typical outcome of the patterns you described is he will experiment with men whether he tells you or not, conclude he is gay and want that and your love too and you will not have reciprocity. I agree with 6kidslater... you need to seriously consider leaving now while less has been invested.

From what you described, you have a lot of love to give and you deserve to receive it back.

In the simplest terms, for those of us that leave MOMS it’s because we conclude there will be no reciprocity and we can no longer live without it no matter the cost to leave.

Thank you to everyone for all of your kind words and support. I know that every response on here has been made out of love and posted with a desire to protect me from experiencing similar heartbreak. I am truly grateful that you all have taken the time to read my story, provide your own take on our relationship, and share your own experiences to guide me to the best of your ability. Since sharing my story a lot has changed and I have found more clarity on the matter. At this stage, I think the post from Dannyboi is what resonates with me the most…
 
At first my partner gave me nothing but space (at my request) and so I reached out on this platform feeling extremely alone, anxious and confused. However, after my post, I felt like a weight had been lifted and so I sought my partner out, and began opening up emotionally. He was relieved, and grateful that I had decided share with him how I am feeling, and also hear him out further (I had been quite distant other than being physical with him randomly). I found he had a great willingness to be open and honest - no matter if some of his answers to my questions hurt me, and although this helped, we decided that it was a necessity for us each to attend solo counselling.
 
For him, these counselling sessions have helped him voice his confusion and investigate/explore his feelings for men. For me, these counselling sessions have helped me voice my fears, and investigate/explore my feelings of inadequacy. After 3 sessions each, we have both agreed that we want to try and make our relationship work, and will continue on with couple’s counselling (starting tomorrow).
 
He has since said that the way he came out was "wrong" (it came out by accident/not planned). He said if he were to have a "do over", he would have given himself more time to understand it better himself, and seek out resources to help me understand how he felt and what it meant for us. He said he felt like he never really accepted that he was bisexual until it was voiced to me, and so didn’t give himself to permission to even explore those feelings (having been worried he was actually gay). He said that having a few weeks to begin to properly come to terms with his feelings, (with the help of his Councillor), he has a greater understanding of his desires and where the line is. 
 
We have had many direct conversations on what exactly attracts him to men - the particular physical features he finds alluring, as well as what he doesn't like in men, (we also had the same conversations about women). Overall, he confessed that although there are some features he likes in men, and that it is a sexual fantasy of his to experiment with men, there are no physical features he "loves" in men. He also said that there are physical features of men that he either "doesn’t like" or that "doesn’t do anything for him". He has said that he has no desire to be with men romantically, and that it is purely a sexual curiosity. To this point he went on to say that he "loves" all physical features of women, that there are no physical features he doesn’t find attractive, and that the sexual fantasies of women go deeper to the basis of romantic feelings.
 
We went so far as to discuss the ratio of men to women that he finds attractive in public, and the ratio of attraction he feels toward the "best looking" of both men and women (both answers being approx. 20% men and 80% women). We also viewed his porn history / preferences, to look at what he sought out the most (gay = 5%, threesome MMF = 25%, straight sex = 70%). He assured me that I give him everything he "needs", and that what a man could give him is just "supplementary" ("it would be nice but I don't need it"). He has said that he feels that I - as a woman, can provide him more than a man could, and with the right accessories, I could also provide his sexual desires of a man (only if I am comfortable with that). 
 
He said that he put out the wrong message when he said he thought he could never be sure unless he was with a man ("I hadn't given it much thought at all, and I know now that is not the case"). He said that he is absolutely not looking for an open relationship or to explore outside of us - that I am all he needs, that it would be good if I was up for experimenting in the bedroom (just us), but he would understand if I wasn't comfortable with that, and that he would be perfectly content to stay as we are.
 
He has also searched and found several online stories about other monogamous couples in our circumstance from the perspective of the bisexual man. These stories were ones which he related to/felt the same way as, and he said he shared these with me because he hopes it will help me understand how he truly feels. He wants me to know that we are not alone in our circumstance and that he is not the only one out there saying that they feel this way. He has been constantly reassuring me, loving me, and doing everything in his power to help me understand how he feels.
 
He has said that in this day and age, and with how young we are, if he were gay it would be far easier for him to leave and live his ‘true self’. But that there is no doubt in his mind it is that he is bisexual - not gay, that he loves women far too much, that he loves me far too much to be gay. He has stated if there was one thing I should believe above all else, it is that although he is attracted to both men and women, he is attracted to women more, and he finds me the most attractive of all. That I am his life partner, and he does not need another women or another man, he is committed to me, only me, and always will be.
 
With the help of his openness, coupled with looking internally and seeking my own truth, I am finally beginning to see a little clearer. I understand there is a long way for us to go, and we will need to strip down our relationship to the bare bones and rebuild. I also understand that I will always carry doubt of my own inadequacies and this is something I will continue to work on - on my own and with my solo Councillor.
 
I’m not sure if any of you experienced some of the above, or all of the above. If you see similarities in what has happened with us thus far, or if this mirrors your own situation and you can see this has a very bad ending. I do understand that all the while, with everything said and done, there is still a very real chance that he is  gay (and just doesn’t know it yet, or is afraid, or I am in denial). But there is always a chance for any relationship to break down - for a million different reasons, and I have decided that I would never forgive myself if I let go and pushed away a good, loving man, out of such a fear or lack of understanding. So I am choosing to trust him, and start the process of rebuilding, with the hope that we will come out stronger on the other side.
 
However, with having read what I have read here, I would be naive to not keep a part of me protected, and I intend to work on myself throughout this ordeal, knowing that if this doesn’t work out, I will not be broken, but glad that I can walk away after having given this my all, and know in my heart that in the end it just wasn’t meant to be.
 
If anyone has any resources or advice on how we can work on a monogamous mixed orientation relationship, I would really appreciate your help/wisdom.

 Less than a week ago Chalizbet wrote, "I would do anything to make him happy but I fear that i'm just not enough." 

And now, DannyBoi, you are writing, "Depending on how open you are, you get to point out men that you find attractive and he can give his opinions too."

All I can say is that doing that is certainly a big step on the road to "anything."  What's next?  Finding him people to act out his desires with?  I cannot imagine anything more depressing and soul killing than that.  

Chalizbet, you should consider whether you are being groomed, led down the path toward his acting on his desires.  Because if he doesn't want to act on them, he had no need to tell you about them, whatever he tells you about this increasing your "understanding" of him and however you spin this.  It's double-think and double-speak to be told by your spouse that s/he desires someone else, and to believe knowing this will strengthen your marriage.