It is still shocking and unbelievable to me that my ex is GID because one thing I learnt is that denial doesn't mean don't know it means not telling.

If my ex said I'm gay to another person, any person, it would probably mean the world is about to end.

so I read your story about the gay colleague and imagined what it could be like in an unvarnished state - he dated his wife off and on for ten years and married at 29.  Plenty of room for exploring his 'bi side' in that.  Plenty of room to get the guilts for not being honest with his girlfriend but he ended up marrying her instead, even though he knew he wasn't in love with her.

Then at age 53 he finally meets a man he wants to be with.

 

Last edited by lily (May 3, 2019 9:27 pm)

Hi Julian, 

I haven't been on this forum since May last year, but your post on my thread notified me via email, and had me logging back in - I have to thank you for that. It has been extremely cathartic to read over my initial thoughts during this experience. In a way I hardly even recognise the woman that wrote what she did, although I know she will always be with me.

I have to say, although my pain, confusion and fear were all very real, flash forward 16 months, and I can confidently say I am the strongest and happiest I have ever been in my life.

If the big question is, am I still with him, the answer is yes, we are still together, but not in the way we were. When he came out to me, it made me not only look at him and our relationship differently, but also look at myself in a whole new light. I was surprised how much it had me questioning myself, and how self-deprecating it made me. It took me some time to recognize how unacceptable that is… To doubt my self-worth over any man, whether I believe he is the love of my life or not, is not the kind of woman I ever want to be. This got me questioning why I was reacting the way I was, I felt that a lot of my emotions were a rational response; I think most people in our situation would feel hurt/confused/scared, and even the most confident of us would feel a little self-conscious and as though we weren’t enough. But the extent of how much it had me questioning myself was not okay. Which made me realize there was a deeper issue - I wasn’t happy within myself, and so instead I was depending on my partner for my happiness, which is not fair nor is it healthy.

With this realization came the work needed for growth (of which I still have a long way to go) but it started with the acknowledgement that although my partner was going through something big, I needed to take a beat for myself and assess my own needs before trying to support him. I began with small things, like spending more time alone, and enjoying hobbies I hadn’t since I was younger, I caught up with friends more and tried new things, which sounds like very simple stuff but I found it made a huge difference and helped to compartmentalise my life. By establishing a grounded world, full of people I love, and things I love to do separate from my partner, I learned to love myself again and knew I could live a full and rich life on my own. This then gave me freedom, which I hadn’t felt since he came out. To have the option to choose to leave at any time and know I would be okay is huge, it has taken a lot of work, and it is something I will never disregard again. I think one of the biggest issues many of us have in our position is that we feel trapped, especially if we have established a life with our partners and committed years of growing together, not to mention starting families. However, by not just having the option but knowing that I will be okay meant that my decision to stay was out of want and not need, and it has made all the difference. Having this new found freedom gave me confidence to help him on his journey laterally as I was on my own journey, and support him within this new found self without sacrificing my mental health but actually improving it.

Another element that has been instrumental in us being about to make it work is our open communication and honestly, which I felt we always had, but it has become so much stronger as we have waded through this mess. Throughout it all I have seen him become a better/brighter/happier version of the man I love, where I see he feels free to be exactly who he is and is accepted. Regarding the sexual discovery side of things, we have not opened our relationship, nor do we intend to. However, without going into too many details, about 6 months in, when we had both had enough time to process everything, we started to try a few different things with accessories. I have found I quite like it myself, and feel more powerful, sexy and confident in the bedroom then I have in years. Although, our intimacy predominately remains vanilla and I find that when I ask if he wants to do more, his answer is no more often than it is yes, although he says that he loves that it’s an option - so I guess we will see how that develops.

I think it’s important to communicate that I still fear that his feelings for men will develop with time. But with that said, that fear is parallel to the fear that he might become sick one day, or have a heart attack or be in an accident (all of which would not be his fault). Except in those scenarios I would lose him forever, in this scenario our romantic relationship would end, which is something I would far rather than any of the other alternatives. So it has just become another risk to add the list that everyone has when loving someone (albeit a somewhat unique risk than most).

Wow that was a bigger novel than my first post, I hope I didn’t ramble too much! I also don’t want to put off the vibe that I am completely okay and life is perfect. We are continuously working at this and some days are harder than others, but so long as we both love each other and are willing to put in the time to keep our relationship healthy and happy, along with practicing self-love, then I think things will be okay.

P.S Something else to note is that I have spent a lot of time on Reddit within a sub-chat of mixed sexual orientation relationships. Early on I found a great group, it is made up of mostly spouses, but there are some bisexual partners also which is good for insight/perspective. It is a really positive network, but we don’t shy away from the tough stuff too. My partner and I have found it extremely helpful to have peers on both sides to talk to about common struggles whilst working towards similar goals. Let me know if you are interested in joining, or I am happy to chat here any time! Hope you and yours are well!
​
Love, C

Last edited by Chalizbet (September 11, 2020 4:15 am)

Chalizbet, Thank you!!! I came here looking for a positive way through all of this and your words are a wonderful beacon.

Chalizbet, 

It seems like you were doing well when you last posted. I hope you’re still doing well. Could you possibly post links to some of the Reddit sub chats you like? 

Tangled 

Chalizbet,

You are amazing  and have given me hope that I can get through this.... Thank you for sharing your wisdom......