Hi Musselburgh,
Welcome to the forum and sorry you have to be here.  

The one thing that stuck out to me on your post is that it appears your husband found you to be (at least partially) to blame for his investigational journey into the gay world.  It is not your fault and you should not feel one bit sorry or to blame.  Whatever he is doing is for himself.  It is neither fair nor reasonable for him to turn it back on you.    

I am sure it is possible to move forward but from what I read on this forum, it will take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of you.  

I don't understand what men (or women) mean when they say they are "bi-curious".  My ex-husband told me that after months of denying any gay feelings.  To me, the word itself makes no sense.  You are bisexual if you are attracted to men and women.  If you were already attracted to women and now you might be attracted to men, you would be "gay curious".  Just my opinion.  

I truly wish you the best.  I would suggest keeping a journal to track how things are going and so you can write down anything odd/out of character that you notice.  It was extremely helpful to me two years down the line when I looked back at the whole experience and had to decide what to do.  Also, please take care of yourself.  

Hi Musselburgh,

The blame thing jumped out at me too.  It just puts everything he says into context doesn't it.  So my advice is don't take it too seriously and really expect him to open up more, maybe he's just saying that to keep you dangling - take a step back and watch him for a while.

all the best, Lily
 

I have lived through the same kind of verbal obfuscation your husband employed when you found out what he was doing in secret and hiding from you.  His words are meant to make you doubt yourself and to provide cover for him.  It's Jedi-level "these aren't the droids you're looking for" misdirection sleight-of-hand crap.  He blameshifted his activities onto you, and his "I feel lonely in the relationship" has the effect of getting you to think not about his actions but yours.  That you are considering the effect of your menopause on the relationship shows that this tactic has been successful.  Your menopause, however, is not responsible for your husband seeking men to have sex with, but it sure is comforting to think so when you are looking for a reason for his behavior other than that he wants to have sex with men, and a way to get control of life when your discovery threatens to destroy everything you've worked for and are working for and everything you've thought about your life together--If you do what he needs to feel less lonely then surely he will stop seeking sex from men!  Men don't seek sex from men because they are lonely in their marriages.  In fact, people don't seek sex from others if they are lonely in their marriages.  Loneliness is not a reason (or free pass) to cheat.  He also gaslighted you by saying this isn't about gay sex but a health problem, which, again, shifts your attention from his behavior to his health.  
   All of what he says is in service to preserving his secret and his secret life.  As Blue Bear says, you have to accept that your husband is not straight, that your husband is lying to you, and you have to decide whether your husband's activities--and I'd say this also includes his having lied to you and his attempt to manipulate you--are ok with you, and whether you're willing to be blamed for things that aren't your fault.  I'd add that you also have to be willing to live in a state of always waiting for another shoe to drop in case he decides he's gay not bi or wants to leave to pursue other men more freely.  Most importantly, you need to decide whether you're willing to live with the risk of STIs and having this discussion at intervals with your doctor when you ask to be tested.  (And you should go now and be tested!)

Edited to add:
   As you weigh your future, please remember that the best guide to future behavior is past behavior.  It doesn't matter whether he said what he did/did what he did out of shame or panic, or whether it was deliberate.  What matters is that it is his default setting.  A man who is willing to do what he did before you discovered it, and then would engage in the verbal gymnastics he did to justify it in a way that displaces the responsibility for his actions onto you and this "health condition" does not seem to me someone to put a lot of faith in going forward.  You might benefit from individual therapy for you in addition to couple's therapy.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 31, 2020 11:31 am)

So sorry you've found yourself here. My husband did the blame-shifting, too...big time. I didn't even find any evidence in my case. He told me he is bisexual his 35th birthday. I did not take it (being deceived for years) well to say the least. 

It was such a confusing time...I didn't know which end was up. During one of our counseling sessions, the therapist looked at me and said: "You know you didn't cause this, right?" (his bisexuality) Couples counseling (in my case) was a really expensive cryfest. My husband, on the other hand, was stone cold....emotionless & 100% unapologetic for keeping this from me. I hardly even recognized the guy sitting just inches away from me on that couch. Even though he's pretty much done a 180 since then, I have a bit of PTSD from those first few weeks.

We are OK now (on the surface), but as OOTC pointed out: You have to be willing to live in a state of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is his same-sex attraction going to continue to grow...to the point that he's hardly attracted to me anymore? Is he going to ask for an open relationship (which I am vehemently opposed to), so he can explore the gay side? Is he going to ditch me and live his "authentic life" once his ultra-conservative father passes away...or when our child is old enough to understand what's going on? What else is he hiding from me? Is he irritable because he's "bi-cycling" toward men now? Does he ever think about men when we have sex? Will he resent me? Is his mental health going to severely decline if I keep him shackled to a monogamous/hetero life? (since suicidal ideation is common among bisexuals)

This is just a glimpse into my own internal monologue.

I'm only 16 months into this...so, maybe it will get better in time...but this is my life now. 

We went through a bit of a "honeymoon" phase in the beginning, which lasted several months. I understand that this is common...I think they call it "trauma bonding." Once the fog lifted, the anxiety really set in. 

Some women are much more relaxed about the whole thing....and willing to accommodate their parter's bisexuality in different ways (role playing, watching gay porn together, talking about hot men together, bringing other men into their sex life, etc.)...And while I emphasize greatly with my husband (I can only imagine how difficult it is to be anything less than heteronormative) that is just not something I am not interested in. At all. 

I would highly recommend talking to someone about this yourself first. If I could go back in time, I would have done solo sessions with a therapist before attempting couples counseling. I think it's important to unravel how *you* feel about it all—before your husband completely controls the narrative with his blame-shifting and lies. 
This is NOT your fault.
 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (August 31, 2020 2:12 pm)

Hi Blue Bear, OfHC & Julian_Stone
Thank you all for your thoughts - much appreciated.  Although I'm still reeling from this latest discovery, I can't, with all honesty, say it came completely 'out of the blue'.  I remember some years ago I found out he'd been looking at gay porn and his 'verbal obfuscation' was similar then.  Again the blame was put onto me - can't recall the actual details, however, I think it was along the lines of I 'wasn't interested' in sex.  As I said in an earlier post, this does seem to be his 'default position' and I now have to accept that he will always blame someone else (not just for being bi).  As to whether I'm ok with this remains to be seen.  Also, as to whether I'm ok living in a 'state of always'. 
Julian_Stone, I was interested in what you said about the same-sex attraction growing and being 'ditched', especially 'when our child is old enough to understand what's going on'.  Our daughter is 20 and at uni locally.  Although she's still staying at home, she is saving to move into her own place next year.  I think this may be the catalyst for some kind of 'move' as during our discussion(s) he kept mentioning this.  Whether he's just 'paving the way' for it, or, as lily and Blue Bear said, he's just stringing me along, I don't know??  I do know that I'm considering this next year as a kind of 'trial period' for our relationship - if he can do this, so can I! 
I'd be interested for your thoughts on this Julian - how do you/did you cope on a day-to-day basis once the honeymoon phase ended?  I think I'm like you, in that I don't know how comfortable I'd be accommodating the whole bisexuality 'thing'.  I definitely wouldn't be 'putting it out there'!  And couples counselling would definitely be a no-no (back to the whole 'he's not to blame' thing), though I would find it useful.  Keep in touch x

Last edited by Musselburgh (September 1, 2020 4:56 am)