Musselburgh and Julian Stone - I am new here and trying to see the good/positive way forward for our marriage. I just want to say how much I appreciate your comments and thoughtfulness. I gleaned some good stuff here. I don't just want to give up on my marriage. I do need my husband to try to communicate more. So, thank you for your positive spin on things.

I found this old post from Kel which I found really useful
'As for why these people seem to come out after a good quarter century of being married, I have my theories.  I think it's a combo of things, and it does have something to do with getting older.  First off, I think that being married for that long puts us at a point in life where we've done a lot of living together.  We've bought the house, had the kids, raised the kids, and are now looking toward our future and wondering what we'll be doing once all the baby birdies leave the nest.  The mid-life crisis is more about examining that and knowing who we are and what we want, and when that doesn't match up with what we see as the reality on the horizon, our minds start to go a little nutzo at how to fix it.  We start to feel twitchy every day as we see no way to make the reality of our situation jive with our hopes and dreams.  We try to figure out if we can just live with is.  Many of us do.  Many of us see a reality that lines up with our desires.  And then there's the rest of us.  We may try to fix the situation and feel that we can't, so we try to appease ourselves with something fun to distract ourselves - hence the little red corvette scenario.  Suddenly heads are turning our way and we feel a bit more alive again - like we still have that thing that makes life full of spark and twinkle.  And that gives us confidence that dreams are worth chasing.  With more free time and a fatter wallet, we begin to pay closer attention to some of what we let go over the years - our health/appearance, our hobbies, our old friends, planning adventures and getting some joy back.  For straight people, they either try to bring their spouse along with them on this adventure, or they go in search for new sexual fulfillment.  Or maybe just spending time (whether in reality or virtually) with someone who they feel shares their zest for life, and gives them some attention.  For the gay spouse, it's another story altogether.
They've been stifling themselves for years - decades.  They may have been happy *enough* to keep going that way when they were in the thick of building a career and raising kids and taking care of a home.  But now, without their sexual needs being fulfilled for a LONG time, and some time and antsyness on their hands, they begin to explore a bit.  They know their spouse well - they know what they can get away with and still explore.  They jump online and learn some things, and they are suddenly aware of a world that they didn't know existed - how easy it is to talk to others in the same situation, how easy it is to see themselves as straight and still explore gay sexuality.  Bit by bit, they give more of their time and attention to this desire that's now become an obsession.  They get a taste of the fulfillment it is to embrace one's sexuality and have their needs met, and they're hooked.  They see no way to keep doing that though unless they keep their current lifestyle - the house, the job, the kids.  They still want all of that.  And that requires them to continue to be the husband to their straight wife.  So they keep doing it.  They are fearful of losing all that they've worked so hard for so long on, so they keep up the facade.  When they say "I love you so much and I want us to stay together", what they really mean is "I love you as a person, and I really love my LIFE that we've created, and I want to keep that all.  I just want to also f*ck men".
It's not right.  It's not fair to the straight spouse at all.  If we'd been in a straight relationship and our spouse began to feel this kind of unease about our shared future, they could have easily discussed it with us.  Heck, some of them do, and the decision is eventually made that they cannot make each other happy and need to both move on.  Usually the spouse has the advantage of also knowing that, though.  They may have had lots of conflict over the years that have clearly shown them that they people they've become are no longer compatible.  But when a spouse comes to us and says that it won't work because they're gay, we hear SO much more than the end of our relationship.  We hear that we've been being lied to - maybe all along.  The person we know is NOT who is standing in front of us.  Did they EVER love us if they've been gay all along?  Were we just a beard - a means to an end?  Have we been unknowingly been used for DECADES without ever having seen it?  Is every family photo now of an unhappy gay man with his unwitty family?  OMG, my entire last 30 years have been a lie!  It's a MUCH different reality than "he wasn't happy anymore".  But,..... in some ways, it can be...... better.
When you have a spouse come to you and say, "I've decided that you don't do it for me anymore", and they're straight, what they're saying is "You're just not exciting enough" or maybe "No one can get along with you".  Or maybe "You've let yourself go".  But when a gay spouse comes to us and says that they need to go because they're gay, what they are essentially saying is "I just can't be inauthentic anymore - it has nothing to do with you.  It turns out I've just been suppressing my sexual preferences, and I am no longer willing or able to do that".  It's NOT personal.  It feels like it - and we take it that way.  But it's really not.  And if they'd come to us and say this, it would be a HELL of a lot easier than finding out by all the sneakiness and cheating that we sometimes find.  At least with the first scenario they'd be saying, "I can't go on any longer this way, and I respect you enough to tell you the truth".  When they go behind our backs, they're telling us that they don't love us enough to respect us - they will just take what they want, and to hell with our feelings and hearts.  Which is why when I hear of one of us being cheated on (especially habitually), I say leave - because you're not only dealing with a sexuality that you can't change, but you're dealing with someone who is willing to lie to you in order to get their own needs met.  That's.... WORSE.  That person no longer deserves our consideration beyond being the other parent to our children.  They've thrown us under the bus when they could have told us the truth.  Both would have hurt us, but one wouldn't invalidate us.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

 

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Last edited by MJM017 (September 4, 2020 7:03 am)

Musselburgh wrote:

  Julian - how do you/did you cope on a day-to-day basis once the honeymoon phase ended?  I think I'm like you, in that I don't know how comfortable I'd be accommodating the whole bisexuality 'thing'.  I definitely wouldn't be 'putting it out there'!  And couples counselling would definitely be a no-no (back to the whole 'he's not to blame' thing), though I would find it useful.  Keep in touch x

Hi Muss—The "honeymoon phase" in itself was a bit bi-polar...That's the best way I can describe it. Outwardly, I think things were good...and my husband and I seemed to be making more of an effort in our relationship in general...but inwardly, I would still find myself overwhelmed by various emotions...and I would wake in the middle of the night in tears. I finally got to the point where I had to say enough is enough...and have begun focusing more on my work, hobbies, physical fitness, meditation, which has been helpful. I love my husband, but I hate this feeling like I'm playing a game of Russian roulette.

The anchor that truly keeps me here is our young daughter. My husband didn't treat me the greatest during this "coming out" phase...It was like living with a pod person....and the deceit & dishonesty have really been difficult for me to get over....but I have zero evidence of infidelity (of any sort) and he hasn't asked for an open marriage (I'd dart out like a lightning bolt if he did)...so I stayed. But the more I read about bisexuality (and read the perspective of bisexual men, in particular) the more I think they'd live much more healthy, fulfilling lives with other bisexuals.

 

First, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. So many of us have similar stories. I'm going on 3.5 years (I think, my mind is not the same LOL). He also promised to cut all ties with the man he was having sex with and delete his profile from the gay hook-up site he was on. That didn't last long. His profile was back up and he's on it every day. I know this because I made a fake profile to keep track. Now he's uploaded some videos of him having sex with another man. Yea, it's that bad. Like Blue Bear said above, if they are seeking out other men for a good time, they are not straight or even bi IMO. It's a hard pill to swallow.