I feel for you, Musselburgh. My partner also was trying to get me to forget, stop looking for details. Basically pretend as if it never happened. I'm today with the similar question in my head. I will stick here to read what people have to say. I asked him several times about the details, about anything really as the only thing he said was "i think i'm bi" and i saw trans porn he saw. This is all I know. After 12 years of "knowing the person" this is all I know on the subject. And all I deserve to know? How do I get him to tell me more? Should I? Should I leave it out for my sanity? I feel I need this info to close the chapter. I can't turn the page... yet... Is it my place to demand info? He just won't speak about it AT ALL.

re: Are there other things to consider meantime:
 
    It's good to set a deadline for yourself.  However, please remember that you can alter that deadline if circumstances and/or your feelings or readiness change.  

    That it's ok to change your mind and do so without feeling guilty or pressured after you've made a decision is a good rule of thumb to remember.  It applies to all sorts of situations and helps us as we are learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.  

  

lily wrote:

 re are there other things to consider meantime - the main thing that sticks out to me is your daughter.  can you talk with her? 

the other thing I want to say is that as you get used to the situation, as you settle down, as you settle for what you have as you work out how to emotionally support yourself it becomes like, well I remember in my 40's thinking I'm glad we stayed together, this is not so bad but then it got worse again.  it was a subterranean manipulative sort of bullying and I learnt once you are okay, once you aren't making a fuss any more, the bar drops down further again.  And I think that is something people in MOMs do a lot - settle for what you have because it's not so bad, it's quite nice even and it's the familiar but then round the bend I would be back to feeling more miserable than ever and we could never reach that point of sweet sailing.  far from it,  I remember thinking (having seen that film with Kathy Bates) it was like I was being kneecapped when I got up and got going.

 

Hi lily & OfHC
Thanks for posting.  Lily, I will speak to my daughter, however, right now is not the right time. It's a 'play it by ear' situation at the moment.  If she asks, I will tell her. 
I have spoken to a work friend which really helped, especially given she experienced similar (albeit it was M/F).
Appreciate your comments re deadlines OfHC - I am working towards the year but realise this may change. Take care.
 

My bomb drop (rather my discovery of his secret affairs w/men) was in early June.  Denial of all until I gave him a name of one of the men.  Then confession of only that man, and it was only 3 times of getting together, and never sex only massage w/happy ending (I believe a lie that there was no sex). Really, how can I believe anything he tells me?  I understand wanting to know....but then when I realize he's a liar, then I somehow settle with the evidence I have is enough and cannot be disputed.  It's very hard, I agree to want more info/details/confession. I think for me I have to remember his denial is so deep and and he doesn't even know what he is - gay, bi, confused?  How can I expect him to give me info when he's so confused in his own head. And by the way, he's 60 years old.  At some basic human level I feel sorry fo him, once I dig beneath the anger.  So far what I've experienced is that it's a process of many emotions.  It's a ride, but be gentle with yourself.  Do nice things for yourself.  Hopefully this will give you strength when you need it and you can make it thru the the lows.  Wishing you the best. This is a great resource.