JK, 

What I'm finding is it takes time. There was a point in time where I could barely look at him. I was so filled with grief and sadness and the fact that this man whom I had trusted with my entire heart could betray me so deeply was overwhelming. And he was clearly happy. In a new relationship right away and completely hard on me -- I should get over it and I was overreacting. After 20 years of marriage. 

Later, when then anger came, I could barely look at him because I couldn't trust myself. I wanted to rip his eyeballs out slowly and I seriously thought I might clock him. I kept my distance after a few angry encounters that were not good for my kids. 

Now, I still have a hard time, but less so. Today was our first court date. We were in front of a magistrate, not a judge, because my husband filed for divorce but has been incredibly slow getting his required paperwork in to the court. The appt was really to my benefit, bc it was the court's way of making sure one person isn't left hanging. I was terrified to sit across him at a table. Terrified of court. But my lawyer is totally awesome and she really helped me relax. A good lawyer is ESSENTIAL. I recommend finding a woman because they just get it in terms of what this feels like. A woman lawyer who's been divorced is even better. And mine is tough. She takes no bullshit. I love her!

Anyway, to make a long story short, my husband is doing a lot of things he shouldn't to alienate me as a parent. His boundaries are horrible as far as the kids go. And because I respected him so much for so long, when he treated me like my reaction (depression, anger, grief) was just nuts, I became super afraid he'd find a way to take the kids from me. Then I learned that a lot of men pull this shit. They cut at the heart of your abilities as a mother because it hits so close to home for most women. This behavior sucks, but it's a result of their own fear and desire for control. They know they've turned the family upside down

SW,

That is so funny, my therapist recommended the same thing -- burn some sage and get the bad mojo out!

Sue:-)

Thank you for giving me hope, Toward the Light!

Kel, you are so thoughtful!

I am in a weird spot. Depression is finally, hallelujah, over! Anger has settled in, as has some level of acceptance, which I never thought I'd get to. I feel like I am no longer in love with my almost-ex, which is huge. The grief I feel now is for the lost innocence and the loss of my family.

I have a very important job interview tomorrow -- preliminary telephone interview, and I'm super nervous. I would really like to get this job. At the same time, going back to work for the first time in 5 years and full time for the first time in 10 years scares the living hell out of me. I'm so worried I won't be able to stay close to my kids. Things have already changed dramatically giving them up to their father half time, when I was the primary caregiver for twelve years. But ... I am learning also that being a single parent of kids transitioning through trauma is harder than hell, and sometimes I look forward to the breaks. Which is huge, huge progress for me. 

I'm frustrated right now because my divorce is moving slowly bc my husband's lawyer lost his associate and secretary (they broke off to form their own practice -- ha), so he's waaaaaay behind and I want to get this dog and pony show going. Fortunately we have a required court date next week and the court will tell my husband things need to move along if it feels they are not.

Lastly ... I am dating! I have had sex with a man who is not gay for the first time in 20 years! WOOHOO! We met on a dating site. He's been divorced 4 years and is much further along than I am. My fear ... of course I am starting to really like him a lot and I hadn't planned that with the first person I dated. Planned more to have fun and guard my fearful, vulnerable heart. But sometimes it's hard if you really like someone. Anyway, we've discussed my fears of getting hurt again and that went very well. And he is so emotionally open and a great communicator, which my ex SO WAS NOT, so I am really enjoying that.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Opening the door is scary as hell and there will be days you wish you hadn't. But in the end, it's the only thing to do. I'm almost a year out and it took me until 9 months in to see the light, but it came back. And I'm so glad I'm not living a lie any more. I have three kids, am a SAHM mom looking for a job because of this, going through the divorce, and will lose my home and probably my car. But at this point, as much as I've grieved and will continue to, I'd rather go through all this than not know or live in his closet. 

You can do this. Hang in there. Keep coming back here. It's a lifeline. Best wishes to you and your kiddos.