OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » How's everyone doing? (wellness check)

Kel · July 18, 2016 12:12 pm

Sometimes we need to talk about how we're feeling, but we don't feel like we have a "topic" to start. So here's your chance - pour it all out.

If you need some food for thought, tell us about what's happened progress-wise lately. Have you consulted a lawyer? Gotten a therapist? Gotten on medication? Found a trusted family member or friend to share with? Have you changed your living arrangements or state of mind?

What are some of your immediate and longer-term goals? Do you have anything in mind beyond trying to get clarity? Are you seeing ways that you can make your life your own, and start enjoying life again, even if just a bit more than now? Do you have any nuggets of wisdom to lay out for others? Or are you at the very beginning of the journey and the bottom of the pit, and need someone to throw you a lifeline?

What other challenges are you facing in your life right now? What other good things are happening in your life right now (outside of your marriage/relationship)? How's the summer going? How are the kids doing?

Have at it, people.

Kel

Kel · July 18, 2016 12:22 pm

I'll start out by saying that that I need a root canal on Thursday. First one. A bit nervous but it is what it is.

My 3rd wedding anniversary (to my current husband) is Wednesday. We had originally planned on staying in the city (where we both work) that evening and going to dinner here. The kids can watch themselves for a night (the youngest is 13 - the oldest is 21). Then money started flying out of our wallets, and yesterday I suggested trying to make it work this upcoming weekend, instead (we don't have the kids and we have fresh paychecks). Hubby is thinking it over (he always likes to celebrate on the actual date of the event vs. putting it off). But this morning my ex called and said he wants to swap weekends, because "something came up". I said, "Well, it's our wedding anniversary - we were going to celebrate this weekend". He said, "I'll take them for the rest of the weekends this summer if you want - I just really can't do this weekend". I asked what was up and he said that his company (he's a waiter at a Mexican restaurant) is sending him to a neighboring state to start up a new restaurant, so he literally can't take the kids. I get it. And yet I'm SO reluctant to contact my current husband and tell him the news. He often goes silent when there's a weekend change - he so looks forward to that as our re-charge time. I'm sure this being our anniversary weekend is not going to make that better. I haven't told my ex yes yet, but I'm not sure what choice I really have. Ugh.

The last thing is money. The root canal is going to be expensive, obviously. We just don't have that extra money sitting around. And yet I've got an infected abscess - it can't really wait. The school fees for the kids are due right around the corner now, and I got a letter over the weekend saying that bus service for my youngest will be $300 (vs. $0) due to the state not giving the school a grant this year. Money up-front, please. Ugh. We're trying to save for my brother's out-of-state wedding in October which we're trying to parlay into a long weekend/family vacation in St. Louis, and with all 6 of us (and all of us being adults), it ain't gonna be cheap. I just see no end to the money crunch. Kids.are.expensive!

Work is busy with the kind of work that's the most frustrating for me. It's our busy part of the year - right when I want to take off time to be with the kids.

My oldest (the 19 year-old who has behavioral / mental issues) got a job! Yay! Fed Ex. Hopefully earning a steady income will be addictive. Crossing my fingers.

Kel

Kel · July 18, 2016 4:03 pm

It's summer. Why can't the visitation be done out and about? There is no reason he can't take the kids places - even if it's to a local nature preserve for a long walk on a trail. A long bike ride on the trails. To a movie. To a state park. To the beach. He could spend some time really bonding with them while DOING things. Think about it - when you want to spend time with someone, you think about doing something with them. They don't always just come over and you sit at home.

I personally didn't have an issue with my ex spending time at my home after he left. But his mom was also living there with us at the time, and was ill. Visiting her meant being in my house. But it wasn't very long until my MIL moved out, and my current husband moved in, and THEN it all blew up. My ex couldn't just walk in the back door any longer with my current hubby feeling disrespected. And I got that. HE was the man of this house now, and he wasn't letting some other man just come right in. Plus he said my ex wasn't over me, which was laughable to me - HE'S.GAY. But he was right. I found out later that my ex was sort of quietly obsessed, and I just thought he was over a lot and contacting me all the time because of the kids. Once I started letting some of the calls go to voicemail and changed the locks, the old ex got the hint right quick. And of course re-marrying closes that book. He went a little nutzo after that, until I called him up and was like, "WTF are you DOING?!??!". He then calmed down, but only outwardly. My daughter recently told me that she can't mention her step-father's name in her own father's presence. It makes him very angry. Whatever. Get OVER it, dude. You like MEN. WHY would you have wanted to stay with me? I'm NOT a man! Yeesch.

Anyway, I would not feel obligated to let the visitation happen at your place. Things can't go on that way forever. It'd be one thing if he was moving next month and you were just accommodating him for a bit. But there is no end in sight. He will not be able to simply rent a room somewhere and have the kids overnight. He needs space for them. Getting divorced means living separate lives. It doesn't mean that you continue to accommodate him because he is acting pathetic. He won't change a thing so long as it works for him. He loves coming back in and feeling some ownership in the house. It prevents him from truly moving on, too. And of course it does that for you.

Just tell him that you'd like him to DO things outside the house with the kids. You're not saying that they can't hang on a rainy day. But overall, the plan should not be your house. NO ONE does that, hon. Because it doesn't work.

Best to you -

Kel

Rob · July 18, 2016 9:31 pm

See my other thread.. I just climbed out of the valley (divorced and she finally moved out). I literally have
2 feet out of the closet now....the closet door is still swinging behind me but I'm trying not to look back..

Last edited by Rob (July 19, 2016 4:44 am)

Keepinghope · July 18, 2016 11:34 pm

I just want to say that my emotional life is turning around. Last July I had the shock of my life, followed by a quick separation, sale of my home, divorce after 25 years of marriage, moving, the death of my dad and then my dear aunt, 2 days later. This was all within six months. I was in so much agony over my exes betrayal and deceit that the deaths paled in comparison.

With therapy, meds, meditation, reading, journaling, exercise, yoga, and a brand new social life, I am now feeling like this, my new, unexpected life, is going to be fine. I was very lucky that my kids were grown, I had a good job/self employed, and even though I'd like to be done working, I'm healthy enough to work until 70, fingers crossed. I'm also lucky that my ex slunk away without a fight, and that I moved to be closer to my granddaughters and son and wonderful DIL.

Not saying it was easy--hardest experience of my life. Many issues still being worked out. Like the in-laws that want nothing to do with me, because they don't know what he did, I didn't tell them. I lost half my family due to his big secret gay life.

But I'm telling you all this to give you hope. You can do it. Think about what YOU want and keep working toward it. Step by step. Day by day. It's your life!

It's been so great to know that I'm not alone, and that all of you get it!

July 21, 2016 11:13 am

Thanks Kel,

Just a big thank you all. I have been reading so much here that has been so helpful. So a big check-in! for a big chicken....

1. Divorce official! Our boys are all adults, so it was fairly straightforward-ish separating our assets. I was a SAHM for most of the time, but everything was just 50/50 really, so it doesn't seem fair....but he is self-employed and can manipulate his income. To zero if I went for maintenance so I opted for a clean break.

2. I had my first contact with my GIDXH a few weeks ago. After much hot air about how everything will be ok and he wanted to be friends, it is hardly that. We'd been pretty much NC for 9 mos, bar the three mediation sessions to decide how to split everything. He had been so cold to me since I told him I wouldn't sleep with him!! Shock horror!! Apparently I rejected him 'fundamentally' in doing that!! And he has struggled SO much...boo hoo sob sob....cant have beard and sexy times on tap.... He lives as Cameron describes a sort of walking zombie sort of life, not really happy, but solitary and is dating women...though has already broken up with one who pursued him and offered nsa sex. I suspect he will date serially and continue to hide....he says he's bi, but is 'done with all that..." a line it has been sooooo hard not to want to believe...

3. I struggle with missing GIDXH....tempting at times to call etc. He never breaks NC. He is cold and succinct. It is tough. I kinda hoped he'd come crying back to me.... but is enjoying his freedom (still insisting he's not doing 'anything') And when I weaken I come back here to read my story played out with variations in all your stories!

4. I'm dating a man I met online when I was feeling particularly lonely. He seems Mr. Perfect in many ways, but I feel negative and critical of men generally and this relationship. Even though he is so good to me. He is super honest with me...told me he was unfaithful to his wife and that has made me very wary.... He is living separately but not divorced....But he's so good to me that I'm trying not to be too judgemental about other people's lives.... sounds like I'm justifying him....I am. It feels not quite right...But then I don't trust myself and how I feel because I feel often like I want my ex back and just wish he was not GID, but that's not ho
happening... I feel nothing in my life will ever feel quite right again. PSTD etc... HOw can I trust anyone? I was so trusting with GIDXH!!!

Life is getting easier and better slowly. Days go by without tears now. Not sure a whole week has yet...but close. I'm able to see friends again and not feel like my pain is the focus of my energy.....it is getting better...slowly. I am nearly two years in....it has been such a difficult letting go..... Letting go of who I thought I was married to..... So much deceit....

Hugs to you all and big thanks!!

Sue · July 21, 2016 1:39 pm

Kel, you are so thoughtful!

I am in a weird spot. Depression is finally, hallelujah, over! Anger has settled in, as has some level of acceptance, which I never thought I'd get to. I feel like I am no longer in love with my almost-ex, which is huge. The grief I feel now is for the lost innocence and the loss of my family.

I have a very important job interview tomorrow -- preliminary telephone interview, and I'm super nervous. I would really like to get this job. At the same time, going back to work for the first time in 5 years and full time for the first time in 10 years scares the living hell out of me. I'm so worried I won't be able to stay close to my kids. Things have already changed dramatically giving them up to their father half time, when I was the primary caregiver for twelve years. But ... I am learning also that being a single parent of kids transitioning through trauma is harder than hell, and sometimes I look forward to the breaks. Which is huge, huge progress for me.

I'm frustrated right now because my divorce is moving slowly bc my husband's lawyer lost his associate and secretary (they broke off to form their own practice -- ha), so he's waaaaaay behind and I want to get this dog and pony show going. Fortunately we have a required court date next week and the court will tell my husband things need to move along if it feels they are not.

Lastly ... I am dating! I have had sex with a man who is not gay for the first time in 20 years! WOOHOO! We met on a dating site. He's been divorced 4 years and is much further along than I am. My fear ... of course I am starting to really like him a lot and I hadn't planned that with the first person I dated. Planned more to have fun and guard my fearful, vulnerable heart. But sometimes it's hard if you really like someone. Anyway, we've discussed my fears of getting hurt again and that went very well. And he is so emotionally open and a great communicator, which my ex SO WAS NOT, so I am really enjoying that. That quality is a requirement for me, a must-have. I'm over 40 and I am not expecting perfection or no baggage (hell, I have lots of my own), but some things I will not compromise on, and that is one of them. So anyway, trying to balance having fun and relaxing, with the fact that I am a total type A control freak and this is scaring the hell out of me! But I refuse to hide in my house anymore. Not giving my ex free rent in my head.

Love to all of you. This place kept me going and alive for awhile there. I am so eternally grateful.

Rob · July 21, 2016 4:07 pm

I'm doing bad today...   ex has altered the parenting night just because I offered to take my kid to the doctor.
She also interpreted the legal parenting arrangement words differently than anyone thought.. ie...you get the kids on certain days ..oh it must mean daytime only.     I had to point out that nights are implied and it clearly says her days ...if not I will come pick them up at dinner time each day since it doesn't say nights.
Oh and the settlement doesn't say where or how so she better deliver them before eating dinner.

I guess I should have known since shes such a narcissist..   She could take a simple kid arrangement and twist it to her liking...a bully in marriage and a bully in divorce.   In her world words mean something totally different than what we or lawyers think.

Sue, I'm happy for you.. Im in no condition to meet anyone or see anyone.    I can't trust a soul. Not a soul on this planet. I feel bad for my kids for having such a lousy father.    I have the kids this weekend though..she couldn't figure out how to twist the wording for weekends.

Last edited by Rob (July 21, 2016 4:11 pm)

Daryl · July 21, 2016 9:27 pm

It sounds like she is still trying to 'yank your chain' any way she can. And I think you do yourself a disservice referring to yourself as a lousy father. Have a great weekend with the kids, you've earned it!

Sue · July 22, 2016 9:39 am

Rob,

I know you are "okay," but I'm worried about you. Please don't take this as too pushy and let me know if I'm out of line ...

Are you sure now is the right time to discontinue the antidepressants? You are under such pressure from your horrid ex. If there were side effects, I'm wondering if you could try a different one? And wondering if you have a good therapist you trust who really gets the whole shit show straight spouses go through.

Again, hope I have not overstepped my bounds. Both of these elements -- meds and therapy -- have been crucial to the start of my recovery.

Much love,
Sue

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July 18, 2016 12:12 pm #1

How's everyone doing? (wellness check)

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