Jersey,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but it sounds as if you're in the right place.

First - about the counseling.  It should be the same price for you both to attend a session together as it is for him alone.  I found that for me, joint sessions didn't matter because they tell the therapist whatever they want to hear anyway.  And on your son - colleges have some great therapists.  My former step daughter had a very rough time her freshman year of college and was able to see a campus therapist who even prescribed and monitored her on some anti-depressants.  Hopefully your son can transition to that if the campus offers it and it will free up some funds for you to get the support that you need. 

But back to you....it sounds as if he has been lying to you for quite a long time.  And it sounds as if you still aren't sure if he's being 100% honest with you.  So, i'll ask you the same question we ask all of our newbies here: why do you want to live like that?  Not only is it not fair to live your life wondering if you're being lied to by your own husband, it's also a health risk if you continue to have sex.  Ask the many people here who had contracted STDs (including STDs that manifested in their mouth).  It's just not worth it. 

Keep talking to your friend that you confided in.  What are her thoughts?  Would she stick around if she were in your situation?  I know all about feeling like it's a "marriage" and not just a boyfriend so you feel like you need to really try. Been there, done that.  But you've come to the point where you now know things that you can never un-know.  There will always be an elephant in your room, or at the very least, in the back of your head.  He has admitted he's gay to his long time friend.  Where do you go from here? 

You said you're talking to him about why he won't perform oral on you.  My advice is not to do that anymore.  Is it Byron here who has had the $1000s of dollars in dental bills from bacterial infections?  If it's not Byron, sorry!!  Herpes can also be transmitted from genitals to the mouth and vise versa.  If he performs oral on a guy and kisses you or performs oral on you, you can absolutely contract it.  Just be careful. 

Again, I'm so so sorry you're here.  Keep posting.  You can gain so much help and knowledge here. 

Yeah, Sue, JerseyGirl,   we deserve so much more.     Just walkng through the mall and seeing all the intact families and couples..one then ask themselves..."why can't I be loved like that"..  "i used to be loved".. "what did I do that was so horrible?"...
Throw in there that we did nothing wrong and its a complete mind fuck.   What part of the marriage vows didn't our spouses understand?   If they made their promises before God were they telling the truth ?  Were they lying?    What morals and ethics do our spouses possess that they can betray us and then make us feel as if we did something wrong.   To hurt us over and over without compassion or remorse.

No,  we deserve more,  and I want to get far away from these immoral people.

Last edited by Rob (July 28, 2016 9:22 pm)

Jersey,

The accounts you're checking can be accounts he doesn't use anymore (or uses JUST enough to look like he's active) while there are other secret accounts that you'll never see.  And he could make sure not to check any of those while he's sitting on the couch with you.  It is NOT beyond reason.  You think that because he's given you access, that you have the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  And I get why you'd want to believe that.  But that's not necessarily the truth.  He could just be really good at hiding the crap from you so he can keep what he wants, which is marriage, for whatever reason.  Choosing to be married does NOT mean he's choosing YOU.  It means that he wants something that marriage gives him - maybe it's hiding his sexuality - even from himself.  Maybe it's financial comfort.  Maybe it's the pancakes you make.  I don't know what it is.  I DO, however, know what it looks like when a man chooses YOU.  Because I have one now.  And it looks NOTHING like the man who claims to love you.  There is no lack of sex - intercourse - with a straight man who loves, adores and cherishes you.  If there is some erection dysfunction, it is addressed - because that man wants NOTHING more than to have intercourse with you.  It does NOT look like someone who will accept your oral favors but never return them (I had that - that was my gay ex).

It is not supposed to be this hard, JerseyGirl.  It's just NOT.  I kept fighting an uphill battle with my gay ex too, and when I finally let go and got with a completely straight man, it's like night and day difference between what I had and what I have now.  You are not supposed to step out of your sexual comfort zone just.so.you.can.keep.him.  Straight, vanilla sex should be fulfilling enough - anything more is extra - not a requirement.  It's for zip - it's not the main course.  And I have no idea why you'd believe him when he says that even if he weren't being sexually fulfilled, he wouldn't go anywhere - he's ALREADY DONE THAT.

Hon, you're just prolonging the inevitable.  You're prolonging your misery.  You will see again that your expectations are not going to be met, and it will crush you all over again.  When you are tired of that, you will move on.  When you think it's hopeless, you will move on.  I think you should have been there a while ago.  How could I know though, right?  I don't know him.  Well, it's like saying that if you have a baby, it's gonna cry.  If you know babies, they cry.  If you know gay in denial men, they cheat, they lie, they manipulate, they take.  It's a given.  It will happen again if you give it enough time.  Loosen up a bit - stop glancing at his phone when he texts someone or logs on.  I'll bet that if given just a matter of weeks, he'll be back to his old behavior.  You don't want a man who has to be watched so he won't cheat.  You want a man who won't cheat because he's got what he wants and wants what he's got.  All.other.reasons mean that you don't really have him.

I wish you the best.

Kel