Dad1st wrote:

 I feel like I have gone bi-polar over night going from angry to sad to just down right depressed in hours.

I think this perfectly encapsulates the straight spouse experience. Seventeen months later, I'm still engaged in that game of emotional ping pong....only a slower version...that's mostly stuck in sad mode.

As others mentioned, you don't need to make any life-changing decisions right now—but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask your wife to stop actively looking for dates until you've separated or have come to some other agreement. I can imagine you must feel like you're being kicked while you're down.
No doubt this is a very confusing and painful time for both of you, but you do not need to accept being treated that way.

Take care of yourself—and post here any time you need to vent! <3

Maybe I'm misunderstanding things...but Guy didn't come here looking for advice on how to make a MOM work. He's accepted that his wife is gay & wants to be with women. They've cried about it; they've unpacked what that means in counseling...He's grieved the marriage. She is actively pursuing other women. 

I understand there are many reasons that couples who find themselves in this situation try to make it work: Age, health, financial, children, platonic love, etc...but it's not typically the default response...and the success rate (specifically with a gay/straight spouse) is not great.

Guy is only 38 years old. He has many more years to find and experience deep romantic love with another...without that intimacy "barrier" he felt for 20 years. So many here have gone on to find it (and shared their stories here.) 

Musselburgh wrote:

  Julian - how do you/did you cope on a day-to-day basis once the honeymoon phase ended?  I think I'm like you, in that I don't know how comfortable I'd be accommodating the whole bisexuality 'thing'.  I definitely wouldn't be 'putting it out there'!  And couples counselling would definitely be a no-no (back to the whole 'he's not to blame' thing), though I would find it useful.  Keep in touch x

Hi Muss—The "honeymoon phase" in itself was a bit bi-polar...That's the best way I can describe it. Outwardly, I think things were good...and my husband and I seemed to be making more of an effort in our relationship in general...but inwardly, I would still find myself overwhelmed by various emotions...and I would wake in the middle of the night in tears. I finally got to the point where I had to say enough is enough...and have begun focusing more on my work, hobbies, physical fitness, meditation, which has been helpful. I love my husband, but I hate this feeling like I'm playing a game of Russian roulette.

The anchor that truly keeps me here is our young daughter. My husband didn't treat me the greatest during this "coming out" phase...It was like living with a pod person....and the deceit & dishonesty have really been difficult for me to get over....but I have zero evidence of infidelity (of any sort) and he hasn't asked for an open marriage (I'd dart out like a lightning bolt if he did)...so I stayed. But the more I read about bisexuality (and read the perspective of bisexual men, in particular) the more I think they'd live much more healthy, fulfilling lives with other bisexuals.

 

I do think the straight spouse who finds him/herself entangled in this mess should be able to have the marriage annulled (if that's what they desire)....and be exempt from paying spousal support, of course.

I also think the "straight spouse" needs to heard...and our stories need to become more mainstream...If for any other reason than to give a voice to the collateral damage (so many of us) of homophobia and the harmful beliefs that perpetuate the closet & the deceit. That is not to excuse our partners for deceiving us...[It's cruel...and there is no excuse for that], but I long for the day when everyone is able to live & love freely...and accept themselves....so one day there will be less and less of us. God, I hope so much for that...My heart aches every time I see "new registered users" here.

So sorry you've found yourself here. My husband did the blame-shifting, too...big time. I didn't even find any evidence in my case. He told me he is bisexual his 35th birthday. I did not take it (being deceived for years) well to say the least. 

It was such a confusing time...I didn't know which end was up. During one of our counseling sessions, the therapist looked at me and said: "You know you didn't cause this, right?" (his bisexuality) Couples counseling (in my case) was a really expensive cryfest. My husband, on the other hand, was stone cold....emotionless & 100% unapologetic for keeping this from me. I hardly even recognized the guy sitting just inches away from me on that couch. Even though he's pretty much done a 180 since then, I have a bit of PTSD from those first few weeks.

We are OK now (on the surface), but as OOTC pointed out: You have to be willing to live in a state of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is his same-sex attraction going to continue to grow...to the point that he's hardly attracted to me anymore? Is he going to ask for an open relationship (which I am vehemently opposed to)[color=#454545], so he can explore the gay side? Is he going to ditch me and live his "authentic life" once his ultra-conservative father passes away...or when our child is old enough to understand what's going on? What else is he hiding from me? Is he irritable because he's "bi-cycling" toward men now? Does he ever think about men when we have sex? Will he resent me? Is his mental health going to severely decline if I keep him shackled to a monogamous/hetero life? (since suicidal ideation is common among bisexuals)

This is just a glimpse into my own internal monologue.

I'm only 16 months into this...so, maybe it will get better in time...but this is my life now. 

We went through a bit of a "honeymoon" phase in the beginning, which lasted